Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Silent tears

Never like before, I felt so distress because of an incident that happened on Monday. My heart struggles to beat for minutes listen to the desolate end of a cousin who hanged herself. Since childhood I like her a lot and wish to spent time with her and she’s very kind, lovable and softhearted person and never turned her inherent even then we aren’t familiar like before.

Nothing bothers me like her departure lately and even then I missed my grandma couple of years ago, who lived along with us, I couldn’t sense such intense alike her. I know my grandma’s departure was peaceful and intend to age and potential, but her expire is a tragedy and will hurt forever thinking about her. She know nor not I like her a lot and even then she wasn’t interested to talk or share with me I often think about her and care for her good sustain.

It was about 24 hours she left my home, where I met het at last and when she says the least words ‘bye jeevan’, I never thought it could be the last. My emotion might be decreased at least if I haven’t met her this closer hours and she was very casual as usual and watched my pictures slideshow on computer and being get-together as families thus were we gathered for a event at home on Sunday, it was fun and laughter Sunday where she shows no sign to attend suicide.

When I think those last hours I couldn’t believe her true expire and I truly tear for her now silently. I used to wonder sometimes how she forget those days and happiness shared together and either visiting our homes on vacations and when I think now it sense dumb. Who can’t understand or recollect the memories of her parents and dear ones love, desire, sacrifice and the worthless sum they brought for her and celebrating her childhood days, how can she commit suicide whatever reason perhaps she has to take this decision.

Still the reason remains mystery and I don’t want to think or say something, and keeping away the thing whatever it might be, I just wonder in anxious how she could take this decision and what force her more than her parents, who are very friendly I have ever seen. I sometimes wish to be alike them, and her parents – my uncle and aunt, are so energetic and cheerful the moment whenever we get together. They gave her much freedom to chose her carrier and she worked in varies cities under an IT company and lately her parents were looking for a bride-groom and while she took this decision.

I don’t know how my uncle and aunt are going to bear this and convey throughout their life. Especially I’m worrying a lot about our aunt, who I have never seen her much in tears and distress and she’s a easy go person and much cheerful. I’m always against suicide and think who we to perish our life and did we brought it to defeat. I can’t even imagine how painful she might gone through her departure and thinking about it feels scary and freaking.

Life flew away in minute we take wrong decision and then we are no were to feel and who suffers a lot is our parents and dear ones. I always keep this in mind and have come across such parents and I could understand there pain and generally I think always that my decisions should never disturb my parents. They are always and already suffering for me and even if they could, I can’t bear them seeing in distress and physically stressed.

In my view, what the only guilt she did the worst is committed suicide and what are we feel guilt ones is just nothing these days and we have grown in knowledge and realization that doing mistake is nature and related to sense and in need. Who haven’t commit mistake in this world and when it comes to realization and truth, it immerses into the ocean and flies away into the sky.

Whatever the problem in this world, we have a solution in some ways or just accepting the truth or fate and try to face the life it has for us. I too have so many wishes and problems alike others and I sense I have more than enough, but with my conscious, I seek to live in between these, accepting what is for me. I wonder how well I have observed the life and obvious about me, and do things with less knowledge and experience, and thus how come others with rich knowledge, education and transparent in mind and health act senseless and fail to get inspire from others.

When people like us with immobile willing to live, what cause these idiots to die in short temptation or whatever to say. I always wonder and in selfish, why these people can’t take inspire and get solace by having a best life than us. Sometimes I like to say those commit suicide are very selfish, thinking about themselves alone and keeping away those crave for them. Though we can’t totally blame her and even we come to know what cause her to do so and what disturbs her intend and fear, but still I argue that self immortal is stupid and I’m not sure how well I sustain this mind forever. Let’s leave it to future decision.

Life isn’t dedicated to a particular purpose alone and it has many things to do certain. Think I see life from a certain distance and never gone beyond my parents and thus perhaps I don’t know whether there’s something intend beyond that and think I’m at basement of life and many raised as a building to see life at distance. I have been growing around my parents intensely and know how important I’m to them and how well they’re to me. But every life is not same and the way they enjoy the freedom in mass differentiates there life and world they see.

Love is something that cause affection and parents are those give us without an intention and whereas no other relationship gives that intensive. I have seen few mothers in the past lost there children due to accident and what the life they live is simply deceive, but I will never put path for a debate, as I have no more to say and nothing could describe a mothers love and care towards her children. Think I’m going somewhere leave the matter and why I’m saying these because, who is going to suffer a lot after a child’s depart is the mother - apart wife, husband and children, and I don’t know what cause will console my aunt.

Whatever I say is nothing going to change anything and goes pause in silence. My cousin has chosen her solace from whatever disturbed her through departure and we’re seeking to get solace from whatever left behind her in memories. I feel deep regard from my heart to my aunt and uncle, and I wish to be there always to cause solace to keep them away from distress. Thank you!

15 comments:

venus66 said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I know it really hurts. I know exactly what you are feeling.
Pray for her soul to rest in peace.
God Bless.

umi_e said...

Hi Jeevan...

I am so sorry to hear about this. It is really hard to accept that she commit suicide when she can find ways to sort-out the problem she's facing. However she's already gone... We could only pray for her happiness in the other world...

Take good care of yourself...

~Warm regards from us here~

Ghost Particle said...

nanba, this is really painful too read. may her soul rest in peace.

and your words of consolation...

My cousin has chosen her solace from whatever disturbed her through departure and we’re seeking to get solace from whatever left behind her in memories...

will remain forever with us.

stay strong nanba, your love and kindness to all of us is surely with her. she would have remembered you till the end.

V Rakesh said...

I'm very sorry to hear this and shall pray to God to grant you courage to bear this sad, tragic and untimely loss!

God Speed!

Anna said...

Jeevan I am so sorry to hear about your cousin, and grandmother also. Suicide is very unpredictable, and I have seen it a lot happened. Why? It always will remain a mystery. Sorry again, Anna :)

Anya said...

So so sorry Jeevan :(
We will all pray for her and her family !!!!
Take care ...

Lakshmi said...

So sorry to hear abt this..you take care

Priya said...

Very sad and sorry to hear this. You need to be strong becoz they need you at this time.

krystyna said...

Dear Jeevan,
I'm so so sorry,
I'm in tears with you.
There is always
Why????

Take care dear Jeevan!

Kavi said...

So sorry to hear this. I hope God give great strength to you and her parents to take this well.

starry said...

so sorry to hear about your cousin Jeevan.We don't know what goes thru someones mind when they do somethng like this.we may never know the reason why. I just pray for you and her family in this time of grief.Be strong it is a very sad thing.

cyclopseven said...

It is tragic. If people just cared to stop a second and think not that the road has reached a dead end, many lives could have been spared from this deadly end. Be strong buddy. Lets pray that she rest in peace wherever she is in this seemingly endless universe. God bless.

Babli said...

I felt very bad to hear about such a tragic incident. May her soul rest in peace.

Rajesh said...

I am sorry about the demise of your cousin. Let her soul rest in peace.

♥ தூயா ♥ Thooya ♥ said...

Jeevz, I am so sorry...