Lot has changed with my perception on things, as I keep learning and experience life people do not notice it easily or I haven’t exhibited or chance to do. Being mostly home bound, except my parents no one observes things at close or interested to look into but with each passing phase the transformation happens as I ponder over things. One such thing was stop believing there's God! This wasn’t a decision of all of sudden but layer by layer the thoughts inbuilt within and it isn’t a reflection of my frustration of being disabled or anxiety. It’s a conscious decision truly based on rational thoughts and inner feeling. Perhaps it could be my inability to obtain the feel of god but I wasn’t blindfold to stamp against others feelings and at same time I’m reasonable to feel unlike.
I don’t hide or deny that I believed God once when I wasn’t truly conscious about things or understood life. Though I don’t say I quite aware everything, but from my understanding which perhaps wrong, I couldn’t feel the god or hold faith. I might be wrong if I seek evidence and definitely there’s a power behind the rotation of earth and universe setting, but I couldn’t come to a term there’s god behind this exist. The transformation began within me more than a decade ago and many silent moments and questions answered me the same. Though my perception has changed I continue to capture or record things related to devotion or idol worshipping, and it doesn’t matter upon what belief it hold, I can’t deny the reality happening around me.
But still many things haven’t changed or turned down and I like going to big temples not for worship but to admire the craftsmanship and take photos on the architecture and sculptors. I see big temples or churches as a landmark of history and marvel at same and some are beautiful (even they’re small shrines or mosque) to watch. I still get to smear sacred ashes on the forehead by the dear ones which I have no mind to stop or argue in disbelief, and that doesn’t mean I praise the lord but respect their feeling and prevent hurting. I never like hurting anybody and couldn’t do so and not only because it hurt me more than I do, I dare to confront not in fear but love. While I stay away from others religious belief, I can’t stand up the superstitions and will protest when needed.
I grow up from a family that has been pious and my dad never misses a day to worship from the house altar (puja room) and going to temple on weekends. Mom does not miss her Friday worship and any monthly special days of worship apart celebrating festivals, people could wonder how come I differ in thoughts and against their devotional lifestyle. I believe faith can’t be forced on anyone and if it could be only distrustful will remain. Religion or faith should always be individual’s choice to accept or not. As a child one doesn’t have an idea or choice rather following their parents belief until they reach a stage of understanding and realize themselves what they want to be. Obviously I have all the rights already to choose what I want to be, but the only thing was I haven’t exhibited the transformation held within and I don’t think it’s needed anyone to know.