Fighting with Anxiety

Anxiety and panic attacks have been bothering me for a while now, and I'm finding it difficult to ignore the unwanted thoughts and concentrate on my regular work. I couldn't pinpoint the source of my anxiety because it was a thought or distraction related to my overall existence. I remember how clear my mind was a few weeks ago and how being alone and doing nothing didn't bother me, unlike now, when I wanted to be around someone or watch something active, like street activities or television, to distract myself from distracting thoughts. 

I almost believe it was because I slept less or frequently awoke at night. Until a few days ago, I felt sheepish as I approached midday, and a cup of coffee or tea would perk me up. Yes, I believe it's the reason—my sleepiness was disturbed—that drew me to drowsiness during the day, which may have paved the way for abnormal thoughts, distraction, and anxiety. 

I realized how I was losing sleep, and it was my attendant, who showed up early in the morning to assist my parents in putting me in the bath that was disrupting my sleep. My attendant works in an ortho clinic and has to be there by 9 a.m., so he has to put me to bathe before that, and my usual time of waking up is never less than 8 a.m., and mostly I get deep sleep nearly close to waking up; I have to force myself awake so that he is on time for his primary job. In this condition, I made a night trip while returning from Kodaikanal on February 1. It was a nightmare that took me a few days to become stable. Perhaps this was the source of my confusion.

I checked with the doctor, and he prescribed me a tablet to take at night for sleeping and relaxation (explored on google to know its purpose) for 30 days, but I haven't taken it yet because I'm feeling better now, but I decided to take it if I feel need it. I'm confident I will come out of this dilemma with much-needed sleep (to get clear without taking medicine) and concentrate on my regular activities. Let's see 

My Tea Travel

Tea and rain are often combined to create an ideal time for a tea break! 

Tea has become inevitable in our daily lives, and many of us have become obsessed with its flavor and the refreshment it offers with every cup. The monsoon we are going through (right now) has become a favorite time and reason to have some hot cups of tea.

The weather in Chennai is unusually cool for the last few days, thanks to a depression in the sea that's moving slowly, and it's impossible not to compare it to the weather in hill stations or highlands; I'm mildly shivering in the open. I turn off the ceiling fans, something I rarely do in Chennai unless the weather is cool enough. A cup of hot tea would feel great. 

Actually, I was and still am a coffee enthusiast; tea came into my life in 2013 when I was bedridden for nearly two months owing to a femur fracture and cast. I sipped tea and coffee between breakfast and lunch and also took that as an advantage to sit on the bed -   I hate lying down for a long. Tea became my regular beverage.

Not that I hadn't sipped tea before, and I shouldn't forget that I'd been traveling with tea since childhood because my grandfather owned a tea shop, and my first tea may have been at his stall. I remember drinking tea solely to dip butter biscuits in; however, I liked tea when my grandfather made it personal. Tea and butter biscuits are my favorite combo.

I'm always looking for good tea, but that doesn't imply home-brewed tea is poor. When I travel, I prefer to explore different tea shops to acquire a varied taste of tea since I believe the flavor of tea varies from person to person, perhaps which is why someone who brews good tea is called a tea master. But if I see Kumbakonam degree coffee, I would land there!  

The Kumbakonam-degree coffee and Filter coffee are my favorites. If I were given a choice between tea and coffee - of the type mentioned above, I would go for coffee.

I attempted to recall some of my favorite teas, but I could think of a couple. The tea at the Waterfall Estate outlet in Valparai was one of them. Among the three journeys I took to Valparai, south India, no trip is complete without tea at the outlet. I also enjoyed a tea I drank in the Nilgiris village of Yedappalli, and the Chamraj Tea Estate outlet has the best tea. 

(Waterfall Estate's cute little hut tea outlet.)

More than a month ago, I only drank milk-made tea, which is still the same I enjoy most of the time. I'm always looking for the finest tea and the best among them. My parents drink a specific brand of tea, but I used to switch brands to taste something better and better, but after a few cups, the taste returns to the same, regardless of the brand. 

When I visited Munnar in Kerala, I made it a point to visit the Tata Tea Museum and factory - which I will write about in a separate post. I tried a different tea at their store and bought a couple of packets of KannanDevan Tea, but what I tasted there was not the same as what I tasted at home. So I understand that the method of brewing tea makes a difference. 

Some time ago, I  tried Assam Masala Tea, or Chai as it is known in other regions of India. I enjoyed the aroma of the tea, which had a little spicy flavor. And we don't make it daily because it takes time to brew, unlike the traditional approach of tea powder dropped in boiling milk. I recently bought Darjeeling tea, which I had been planning to taste for quite some time. 

I learned Darjeeling tea is the finest tea in the world, and it was even a favorite of the late Queen of England, the great Elizabeth. Darjeeling tea is organic and hand-picked to be distinct for its label, and it tastes best when made with hot water rather than milk. I ordered Darjeeling black tea from Amazon, and because it was my first time, I chose tea bags over tea leaves.

I looked for an excellent Darjeeling tea on Amazon and chose Typhoo Darjeeling Black Tea Bags, whose price seemed reasonable and dependable after reading the reviews. I'm not sure which varieties are the best because this is my first time tasting this type of tea, but I'm happy with the flavor. I always want to taste the true essence of tea, and Typho's Black Tea is delivered on that front within a few minutes of dipping the tea bag.  

Typhoo Darjeeling Black Tea Bags came with an offer of two boxes of tea bags, each containing 25 tea bags. I was hesitant to buy it at first, but after taking a sip, I couldn't think of anything else except savor. 

Motivation!

I don't think I need it. I don't think I'm looking out for it, rather seldom that to I couldn't remember though. I have many things to do - a list of books to read and movies to watch, and travelogues to write - that keep me away from the need for motivation.  If boredom stroke, let it for some time. If laziness embrace, let it hug sometimes. Be idle but never let it become your identity.

I have nothing to achieve when life itself is a challenge to fight every day. And I'm not desperate; perhaps, my life is the same to look for something separate to seek motivation. I'm optimistic to accept things that come in my way, to least complain about difficulties, but not fail to raise my voice to expound the right to resistance to passion. I dream a lot about traveling, and I push myself to travel as far as possible, and it has been the sole intention, motivation, passion, and anything that adds upon as layers conduct of course of my life. 

Nature is my eternal motivation for life, which has everything to inspire me for daily transit. The chirping birds, blooming flowers, fluttering flies, the fragrance of soil before the rain took into force, the magnificent sunrises and sunsets to the beauty of twilight, the fluffy to altocumulus clouds against the pretty blue sky. Nature is a marvel in every aspect of its exists, and as a guide, it decides my travel destinations which perhaps lead me to my destiny. 

Moved to follow.it! Subscribe if haven't or new to the blog.

Dear friends, this is a post to inform you that I have shifted to a new email subscription platform "follow.it", following the Google-based Feedburner (an RSS web feed that allows users to receive emails of post updates in blogs and websites), announced the discontinuation of the email subscription service in July 2021.

I have imported the active email subscribers from the former web feed (Feedburner) to follow.it, so I thought to inform you about this shift in the subscription tool to avoid confusion in receiving emails from "follow.it". If I left any of you and if you read this post, please subscribe to the blog again (from the subscribe bar on the right-side column of the blog) and I invite the new followers and visitors to subscribe to the blog for constant updates.

"Follow.it" has many features, including filters to choose from on your interested topics/label and keywords and tags. And it has options to add on feeds for reading all blogs at a place and to receive updates from other news channels as individual emails or one email per day. I find the follow.it was simple, and that was the reason for me to go with their email inviting me to follow.it and I got good responses and guided replays via email to complete the progress of transferring subscribers' emails. 

I hope you continue to give me your support. BTW. I completed 16 years of blogging, and I thank you all for your visits and comments that encouraged me up-to-day and keeps me active in contrast to my immobile lifestyle. It's because of you I was able to come this far, and it was like a dream that I continue to blog, as many dropped out earlier. And blogging is the basis of my many activities online, and many of my friends still are bloggers despite connected through various social media.

Thank you

Surrounded by grief

I don’t know how to express myself first, the squeezing grief of losing a furry friend who cared and loved unconditionally for nearly 12 years of relationship, and bonding that could not define in words, an attachment invisible to eyes;  Maya, the magic wizard of our life has vanished (on Nov 16) for ever.   I realize fully and consciously that the departed had happened though I still couldn’t console myself she’s no more and I feel really sick to digest, because we hadn’t been closer with anybody like her in the decade and she was there every day in our life and part of our journeys and this separation brought a great void in us and I don’t know how to cope without her further. Though I feel better now, getting back to the regular activities which I forced myself to keep away her thoughts (temporarily) but I know it’s not possible to block her all of sudden, as I was conscious about her every move and tiny sounds, I get disturbed when I hear anything similar to… because I was the only person in our family to have spent much time with her when everyone goes out on their business, she would be on my side.

Maya and me at my uncle's woodhouse, during a family vacation

As you all know from the previous post, the treatment Maya had been undergoing couldn’t make any improvement at all and the creatinine level has elevated up to an extreme high where dialysis become impossible because of her age and weakness. She had turned half her weight as she stopped eating from the beginning of the month and the last two days to her demise was greatly troubled her. I didn’t want to narrate further about her demise and it was really a painful moment I noticed ever, even I have lost some dear ones in past, their final moments were apart from my sight and this departure is something I really want to forget to retain only the cheerful memories  and brushes  of furry. 

Maya is an unplanned arrival and was forced to stay into our lives when we have any idea about adopting a dog or any other animals as pet, slowly she become unavoidable as a trouble as well a pleasure to increase and decreases stress. We had never been harsh with anybody, and this little furry ball/doll took it as a favour, tagged her in us and secured a quicker place to immovable. We couldn’t plan anything without her that let to miss a lot of opportunities and many a time I give damn but ever thought of denying her or lack in prior and to be certain she hadn’t been away for a day in last 7 years except that one day she stayed in clinic for uterus removal.

It is very hard really to swallow the truth that she shut her doors permanently and how close we’re to depart this way… she cared and was conscious when it comes to me and I enjoyed this care and affection what I even miss from human. From the conscience I could tell, she trusted me lot than anyone else and was certain I would hurt her ever, because she mostly sleep comfort by lying head under the wheels of my wheelchair!  Hope I lived to her faith and she shares a bond that had any doubts… Maya the word I frequent has turned whisper into ears, and I understand she’s no more but the practised tongue would take time to change.

Hell of a week!

Last week I was caught up with terrible cold, cough and fever that kept me out of my control, though I still have cough to keep me sleepless at night I feel better from Sunday. Once cough starts it lasts sometime to settle down along with spitting off sputum. First I checked with our family doctor and he prescribed medicine and said it was some infection but last week was quite hell and I couldn’t do anything and was feeling comfort only at slanting position. Again he changed the medicine but the cough/cold continues without a sign of reducing so we took an X-ray and visited the pulmonologist who I used to check early. The doctor found any abnormality rather said it was the weak muscles prevent me from fully coughing or bringing out the sputum that trouble me. My lung fields are clear with 99% oxygen so it was absolutely a flu or some kind of infection but the matter was my muscles are more weaker than before to make the fight tougher and it was a kind of warning that I need to address or be more cautious with things that caught cold easily. That’s all from the side of my week... I thought to do many things last week but was troubled by the cold to think anything out of my box.

Here’s something pretty capture for you from the uncle’s woodhouse in Kodaikanal! My uncle grows pots of Japanese roses and those are the flowers I capture first every time I visit there. The photo captured after showering. 

Family Vacation 2019 Ups and Down!

Don’t know why the vacation wasn’t exciting or to say there was something missed feeling throughout the stay but travel wise I enjoyed the trip and spending time in lap of mountains in company of birds and trees. It’s always a pleasure to stay at Smokey Haven, my uncle’s woodhouse and cottages at Thandikudi near Kodaikanal, where we spent our days with extended families from July 8 to 13. Since the inauguration of the resort in 2015, I continue to visit it at least once a year and I’m happy and thanks to my uncle for executing a project alike i.e. building a woodhouse in the vicinity of coffee estate and tall big trees helps me staying and enjoy an environment full of nature rich.  Anytime there would be a bird chirping outside but this time I felt a bit lesser sound of the birds and spotting birds has reduced too what I perhaps guess was migration! I know there are some little birds that migrate from Himalayas and it was the environment that console me lot as I felt down sometime.

Smokey  Haven Woodhouse and Cottages we stayed

Though we waked up early and began the journey, the most part of traveling (490km) went under scorching weather until climbing up the hill. Our car couldn’t produce enough cooling to the cabin, though we serviced the car before traveling it quite went out of gas when we switched on the AC on the return journey. We travelled in two cars and our 9 seater was occupied by 5 of us with boot space quite went for wheelchair, commode and luggage and the uncle’s Innova had other five since my uncle’s family was ahead of us in another car. Though we travelled together they speed up always leaving us far behind as we drive on moderate speed to help me balanced.  While traveling at two different speeds doesn’t bother me much unlike how it continues at the vacation period as well.  My uncle had built an additional woodhouse at their vicinity at a ground below the already exists, were all others stayed and we 5 including the grandmother stayed at the old woodhouse. It wasn’t the old or new mattered, but none came above to spare time with us and it felt like we came alone like how we travel last time to the same place.

Dad standing in front of Thandikudi village (beneath), picture shot from Balamurgan Temple come viewpoint

I was irritated lot to sit alone always, even though nature gives me company I felt lonely when all my dear ones were around not sharing. I haven’t felt this before while travelled as five and I would sit ideal watching birds and taking photos as it was my choice and nature of traveling, but as a family vacation mind thoughts about being together, sharing and having fun rather think about anything. I love exploring places and traveling but love double folds the family vacation or group traveling at least once a year to keep cherished throughout. As soon we come into the range of Thandikudi we all lost our Airtel network signal and I actually thought that it could be a mild fault in connecting, but the disappointment came hearing that Airtel network has stopped working there due to fall of tower! I know I haven’t gone there for networking and it didn’t bother me actually, instead only made feel happy that none will be looking into the smartphones so there would be more chances for sharing face-to-face but my cousins had another network to still connect and also hopping on and off in jeep. 

A moment together with family at the woodhouse deep inside woods

Though we expected rain in the mountains, as monsoon already began, the first two days restricted us to woodhouse and we got to the Balamurugan temple one morning and then to another woodhouse my uncle had built on behalf his friend and one day spent driving to Kodaikanal and Kookal Lake/Village. We hear people complaining of no rain until we got there and it was obvious wherever we visited except in Kodaikanal where the lake was at its brim! The Kookal Lake was muddy with water at the bottom where only water hens were walking in and out. The weather was much colder in Kodaikanal, even though clouds form as if it going to rain it didn’t happen until we move to the woodhouse. One night we spent at my uncle’s friend woodhouse (which my uncle built on behalf his friend) in a place called Vel Farms, a place deep inside the woods and remote from much activity. Overall I had good time despite the lack of sharing and feeling alone while being together as well, it was refreshing and relieving to travel after more than a year and I could cherish this for some time until I pick up another trip. 

A part of beautiful star shaped Kodaikanal Lake at its full level, in the eventide light with reflection of trees.

More details and photos will follow in further posts.

Year began with pain

A new year had begun and already 10 days had passed into the year and everything went as usual fine and obviously nothing to anticipate or perhaps change at this least time but it was the Sunday turned thing worst for me. As you people know the state of me, with difficult progressing on day-to-day life since the discovery of Dad’s coronary artery disease that prevents him lifting me I was look after by my brother and cousin but to put things a little ease we looked out for a part time caretaker to put me on bath and thus came one on Sunday and on the very first day itself I got hurt my arm through an unexpected move from him although he was cautious, it happened unintentionally and I’m still going through the pain which raises at night to keep me unsleeping. Both my arms have limited access and putting a bit pressure above it will reflect pain or tear of muscles or rarely fractured alike the one I got in 2013 on the femur. Though I wasn’t content the way he handled me, I understand he was not intended to do that hurt me but his quick attitude could never work with me and we have put hold him already until I heal to decide to continue with him or not. Right now I couldn’t think more while spending painful night sleeps and I believe it wasn’t a fracture. From Sunday I have been applying ice gel over the painful shoulder and right arm and my physiotherapist started the ultrasound therapy to support healing and ease pain but it was paining more and i couldn’t work on laptop for last few days and I post this from iPhone which was easier to use now than laptop. Will check all your post later or when I feel good or less pain! Have great Year all

An expression of distress

Dad is doing well after the stenting and no breathing difficulties anymore but he’s continues to stay in rest for few more weeks to get back to his regular activities. Thought it feel everything is normal I couldn’t take it easy with my life. I don’t know how to describe or put it in words the pressure I go through internal and it has no business with dad’s health and he’s alright. Like all, I dislike certain things or want to maintain a distance from people whose activities I don’t like or not suit my lifestyle which including my parents. But now life forced me to walk through those which I don’t know is how to unveil. Sometime people are fair and kind, and at next moment breakdown everything to make feel disdain and bad and we can’t blame them for that if that could be their nature, I would stay away, but when it bothers were just going behind them in sake of life. It’s a struggle purely to answer the conscience when accepting assistance physically and mentally couldn’t go through the all. I never thought life would shrink all of sudden when I wasn’t ready or even read the book of my future tense. I know I need to handle this really and I was in the process of planning my future and executing in bits manner but this huge skip is unexpected. This is my second huge leap after the femur fracture in 2013 that put me years ahead into the future, what I have dreamt was only average.

As I have told in my earlier posts, I, mom and dad were like a cycle where any part of the wheel gets an affect the entire cycle will face the challenge. So far I haven’t been to expect somebody to aid me on everyday activities and nature calls, rather occasional; my parents continues to be my saver to drive me all this while and I’m certain they will do it until we’re alive, but I do know I’m in need to look after by someone when they can’t physically support me. Though I know well I need to adjust with life and accept the changes and I too believe this isn’t permanent and I need to find a way if things haven’t change for better. I’m someone who couldn’t stand with people who easily change their mind-set and belief from time to time and draw a rule that frequently turn on and off. It may sound weird but sometime need to believe such people do exists and dealing with them is not easier. It isn’t a problem when taking things physically challenged, but I’m not an insane to feel about anything or insensible to the atrocities happening around me. Perhaps if I was a normal being I could have easily skipped or try to turn down or better, but being a dependent I’m limited and was forced to take things at teeth bite. I don’t know could you understand what I say, but still no problem at least I able to express something here and let you know something disturbing me lot.

Turned 33 – And a Reminder of Past to Present

Other than a small cake cutting at home yesterday, it turned out to be another day and I’m not complaining and I also expected none towards the day. But I remember my birthday of 2008 (10 years back) that fall within 10 days of my great grandmother’s demise and we were staying at our native house (which is a street away from our current house) for 16 days ritual and there wasn’t any celebration to signify the birthday but it was a present and few words from cousins made my day. We left our native house in 2005 due to my discomfort and difficulty in carrying me up and down the stairs to our home in first floor. No one expected my life would be difficult or unable to walk when the house was built, leaving the entire ground floor to expand the workshop of my uncle, we moved after buying a flat in neighbourhood, about 4km away from there. After nearly a decade living away, we shifted back to same area in 2015 and continue to stay a street away from the native house, and this is a ground floor house that much suited my need. Now we have decided to go back to our native house and work has been already started to convert the house to my comfort and an elevator is yet to install to lift me up and down along with wheelchair. Things are expected to finish by the end of this month (August) and we have informed the current house owner already about our move.

Coming to the point of this post, I could recollect what my cousins told or requested that day with their innermost desire to live close. I wasn’t quite happy staying away from them, and from the area where I grow up till I was 20, even though the distance may be 4km but I always felt we’re a family of one, because they are none other than my dad’s younger brother’s kids. I could not stop thinking a life without them and how far we go, heart will keeps beating for them and for us, it was whom we could look out for before reaching anybody. Their wishes (as well as mine) have come close now and we are to become a family of two door front in a month time but I couldn’t feel the happiness as then and their attitudes weren’t same as well. I’m not saying they are unhappy or uninviting about our move, but I could understand the changes that life treated all these years and perhaps lot of exposure on various things might turn their attention or I feel unnoticed while they are busy social networking. When they expressed their desire, the situation wasn’t favour but we travelled together and sailed with bond which continues to tie on various occasions and in the last 3 years I didn’t feel strange or different until we decide to move close. I think my uncle family seems to feel uneasy, as we move closer, they may think loss of privacy in our presence and some scratches being close enough, but maintain a distance and balanced relationship is sure to work I feel. That’s all for now

Another level of challenge… waits ahead

A very difficult phase is waiting for us ahead. Before I say why, I need to tell my life isn’t myself but made of two more lives and do you want me to say what the other two was? Of course, who could be other than my mom and dad? We three were a ring of cycle and any damage or cause happens at any part of the circle will affect the rotate of the cycle. From the beginning, they were the two pillars supporting my entire life, though every parent support their children but the things carried out to be haven’t been same and my life is totally depend on them although they gave me complete freedom of thought and decision making of my own which has never been apart them. There have been many occasions where one has to take care of me in absence of another and they have managed it well all these years despite the difficulties but the upcoming days can’t be same as mom is waiting for a surgery tomorrow.

She has been suffering from prolapsed uterus for last few years and doctor has suggested her to go for operation to remove the uterus before it become complicate but she continued to postpone all these days only because of me – thinking who could lift me or help dad if she got operation. Because she was advised not (at all) to lift anything heavy post operation and complete rest for 45 days. Though the 45 days rest couldn’t be that matter since dad could manage (taking care of me) with the help of my brother and uncle, and the aunt and grandma could help making dishes. But quite no to lifting (for mom) will sure make a broken hand for dad and we can’t expect others to be there all the time and dad too has works to do and leaving alone mom could be very difficult. Though she could help me all other ways rather than lifting, will add load on dad and there will be the need of Hoist lot.

Lately she was feeling very difficult and pain in abdomen and it forced her to look out for a relief and remedy where there is the only option, an operation to acquire relief. She had never undergone a surgery in her life and being the first one, anxiety is not an easy thing to come out though she looks stronger and confidence and wanting for a relief is what I could see in her. She will be admitted to the hospital in evening for further check-ups before going into the operation tomorrow. Initially we prefer for a laparoscopic surgery but due to prolapse doctor decided to go for the surgical operation and she would be in hospital for next 3 days. I wish she got the best treatment and nothing goes out of planning (because we lost our great grandma a decade back due to a surgical mistake for the same cause) and this should be the first and last operation in her life. I have seen her suffering all these days and when she lifts me she would feel pain at abdomen later but despite these she continued to support me and I wish, and hope you too wish her the best, great sigh of relief.

Greeting for Women

What I think about women is right or wrong but I have thoughts about women who are our profound desire and without whom any man survive in this world and they are our source of life which dwells around them. First as a mother she couldn’t be compared with any other relationship and she’s so special in many ways and in various stages of life and from womanhood to motherhood she’s consider to be so sacred and venerable and according to a child she’s a livelihood.  There is no way a man could live without women and he need to come across her at every instance as a mother, sister, wife, daughter and overall as a friend man’s life depend on women and of course women to men. 

Being a son I couldn’t stop related by my mother, who’s behind and in front of my life to make sustain there’s sunshine and I couldn’t think a world without my mother and even in my dream I couldn’t survive without her, because she’s my life and nothing could part me from her in this inevitable world. Though I don’t have a sister to personally make life better and sweeter, my cousins fill the gap and there’s nothing communicating with them and they add an ingredient of sweetness to my world through their immense concern, care and love which exuberate me to a height   invisible. My grandmother at other hand is a transformation of love and there’s nothing concern for her other than the welfare of us, following the footstep of our late great grandmother. Anyone related with her would have disliked her and there wasn’t a hardworking woman like her, who has been busy all her life upbringing her children and looking after the dairy business. 

My aunts are all cool and always come with special care and attention and at the midlife I see a balance at their approach with either the young or old, it’s always fun being with them. And about a life partner or wife it’s never in my list of concern or wish or desire but as always keep dreaming or imagining which is common among men or women, the thinking inspires writing and although impractical I continue to script down the desire. I never think women is lesser than men but only more sufficient and incredibly mysterious to bear immense trouble or pain we would only fail to realize or try to understand. 

I do have friends in women, who were all such nice personalities distinct by their liberal thoughts, what the world really needs now to improvise the gender and not only as professional women or mother, but as student has the response to teach the parents the changes we really need and as a mother bringing up the boys reliable to women and treat with same regard.  Rely by true friendship; I admire the women here who create an impact in my lifestyle which I consider fortuity to understand (a bit on) women and their point of views. On this Women’s Day I greet all the women   there to look forward in life against all the hurdles and you were the most wanted women in our lives, where our hopes and desire for future is defined and designed by you. Love you dear women!

Festival of Lights and Fireworks

Deepavali, aka Diwali is just two days away (Oct 18) and it feels exciting. Deepavali (Festival of Lights) always been my favourite festival and I always look forward for this day, and fireworks is the main reason for me to feel alike. I have grown up bursting fireworks and I really enjoy watching the dazzling light and colours coming out of the fireworks and the sounds that create a joy mood. I wasn’t a fan of loud crackers and I have stopped buying those (burst in the ground) long back, but still the sounds come from the neighbourhood during Diwali resonates joy. Glad I had a wonderful childhood and memories of Deepavali, a time where I felt cheerful and continue to be so with memories to cherish.

Though the only firework I could lit being sparkles, I used to buy certain fireworks to (let someone) light up to enjoy the glowing spectacle. While residing in apartment (from 2006-2013) the celebration touched beyond fireworks, where we shared the festival spirit with neighbours who share sweets and snacks (of different kinds) with each other. Dressed in new attires, it’s wonderful to watch and receive greeting from friendly residents.  And in evening/night the kids gather in front of the apartment and make a dazzling show of fireworks, and I would be out watching their activities before going to my great aunt’s house in the suburb to light our fireworks and watch others aerial outs. I really miss all the things now, but still the festival light continues to glow and engross.

I could understand the opposition rising against bursting firework and the Supreme Court has banned selling fireworks at some places including the nation capital Delhi, where it created huge air pollution during last Diwali. Though it wasn’t the only reason for a city that tops the chart in pollution normally, fireworks added light to the glowing issue. Whatever they say, it’s not easy to erase the thought of Deepavali without fireworks, though we have no trace from when fireworks included in celebration, for kids growing up bursting fireworks is least possible to give up. I don’t think those stopped busting fireworks (or ever done with it) are conscious about nature and environment.  Its sheer delight of gadgets, internet and television that keeps away people from fireworks, though it may sound good, but when it applies to all festivals and events doesn’t sound same.   Diwali is a day in a year unlike these that continue to occupy us in good as well opposite ways.

There are scientific reasons that have been boon and bane supporting those who approve, as well oppose to fireworks. I’m not saying bursting firework is good or it should be completely ban. Firework industry in Tamil Nadu is a huge one and it has been a livelihood for more than 0.8 million people, but it isn’t that we all should buy firework and support their lives. Alternate jobs will sure to be better than making fireworks, which threat lives directly and it would take long time and for that huge change to happen but instead of banning reducing its usage would be better option.  Could we stop the New Year celebrations that open with grand fireworks across the globe or any sports events that loud cry with dazzling fireworks. I think regulating things and rule stronger guidelines will sure control the level of pollution in many ways.

As for now let stop here and celebrate Deepavali and what we need to add is more light and sweetness to the festival that illuminate the country and whoever practice the lighting festival. Pls share anything that adds sweetness with your near and dear ones, and fireworks wasn’t the only thing about Deepavali (or any other festival) that I believe is based on get-together and sharing happiness and bond between family and friends.  Cheers! 

My perception on God!

Lot has changed with my perception on things, as I keep learning and experience life people do not notice it easily or I haven’t exhibited or chance to do. Being mostly home bound, except my parents no one observes things at close or interested to look into but with each passing phase the transformation happens as I ponder over things. One such thing was stop believing there's  God!  This wasn’t a decision of all of sudden but layer by layer the thoughts inbuilt within and it isn’t a reflection of my frustration of being disabled or anxiety. It’s a conscious decision truly based on rational thoughts and inner feeling.  Perhaps it could be my inability to obtain the feel of god but I wasn’t blindfold to stamp against others feelings and at same time I’m reasonable to feel unlike.

I don’t hide or deny that I believed God once when I wasn’t truly conscious about things or understood life. Though I don’t say I quite aware everything, but from my understanding which perhaps wrong, I couldn’t feel the god or hold faith. I might be wrong if I seek evidence and definitely there’s a power behind the rotation of earth and universe setting, but I couldn’t come to a term there’s god behind this exist. The transformation began within me more than a decade ago and many silent moments and questions answered me the same. Though my perception has changed I continue to capture or record things related to devotion or idol worshipping, and it doesn’t matter upon what belief it hold, I can’t deny the reality happening around me.

But still many things haven’t changed or turned down and I like going to big temples not for worship but to admire the craftsmanship and take photos on the architecture and sculptors. I see big temples or churches as a landmark of history and marvel at same and some are beautiful (even they’re small shrines or mosque) to watch. I still get to smear sacred ashes on the forehead by the dear ones which I have no mind to stop or argue in disbelief, and that doesn’t mean I praise the lord but respect their feeling and prevent hurting. I never like hurting anybody and couldn’t do so and not only because it hurt me more than I do, I dare to confront not in fear but love. While I stay away from others religious belief, I can’t stand up the superstitions and will protest when needed.

I grow up from a family that has been pious and my dad never misses a day to worship from the house altar (puja room) and going to temple on weekends. Mom does not miss her Friday worship and any monthly special days of worship apart celebrating festivals, people could wonder how come I differ in thoughts and against their devotional lifestyle. I believe faith can’t be forced on anyone and if it could be only distrustful will remain. Religion or faith should always be individual’s choice to accept or not. As a child one doesn’t have an idea or choice rather following their parents belief until they reach a stage of understanding and realize themselves what they want to be. Obviously I have all the rights already to choose what I want to be, but the only thing was I haven’t exhibited the transformation held within and I don’t think it’s needed anyone to know.

Oct 17

Like how a wound may heal but not the scar. Three years had passed since I got fracture in leg but the scar continues to bother me invisibly and indirectly. No, I have no issues with the fractured leg but the loss of the ability to stand has affected me at various levels. I really don’t want to think about the ever painful days of my life and passing each day had been an eon then until the fracture healed and knee become flexible. My inability to stand affected my travel a lot and I am depended beyond my parents to put me into the car and having an SUV it’s quite difficult. Thought I’m looking forward for a remedy by exchanging our car, the inability to stand put me down on other sides too.

I believe it’s perhaps because of the loss of the standing position I experience scoliosis, due to sitting most of the day time unlike early where I used to stand for few ministers daily when transferred from once place to another. I know even if I continued to stand the scoliosis is unavoidable at later stage of muscular dystrophy, so I would say the fracture has brought steps forward reaching this position early. In last three years my travel has come down with limited distance travel and access and transferring becomes easy only with two people at aid. Many of my plans were shattered in few seconds of that slip between the bath stool and wheelchair, and the unexpected incident had made my life very difficult in many ways. I started to use traction belt for my pelvic pain and scoliosis, daily for an hour and I’m still looking for a lateral support for my curvature.

A small update

For last two weeks am going through neck and shoulder pain, and couple of times I was forced to take Paracetamol when it becomes intense. I had no sprain what I thought initially and took medicine but I felt much better for few days after taking tablets. But I wasn’t fine like I thought about and I started to feel much pain and visited the doctor who prescribed me the same and a gel to apply on the painful area. Once again I felt much better till the dosage power exists, though the pain wasn’t sever alike before I keep away from things that strain my neck and shoulder. My physiotherapist says this is perhaps spasm due to incorrect positioning on bed or working on laptop. I usually work on the laptop by placing it on the wheelchair tray and reading also happens by the same which means I have to look only down mostly and that could have stiffen or weaken the muscles to feel  painful.

My therapist advised me not to use the laptop for long time and also reading by only placing the papers/book high where staring is straight rather bending down the neck. I have reduced the usage of whatever gives me strain and also with limited time spent on laptop. I have bought a wireless keyboard/mouse and started to use it by placing the laptop on a high setting to keep the position straight. Though I finding little difficult with this change, as I have been practiced with laptop for last five year, adapting to the old desktop setting isn’t easy but I hope to become familiar with this soon. In laptop my hands action is limited to easily operate/communicate but with this I really need some time to adjust. And I wasn’t concern on anything for some time now to keep me away from blogging and I really want to write more and I have plenty of photos to share… but I wasn’t comfort to do it right now and that not mean I recede, I hope to come back with a bang.

Me and MRI

I never thought or imagined an MRI (scan) could be such torture!  I took an MRI for the whole spine yesterday to study the course of my scoliosis and to clarify the discomfort I am going through in the lower abdomen, for last few days. I have taken CT scans earlier and I was thinking MRI would be similar to it, and could be taken in few minutes, but the first dismay came when I learn that no wheelchair or stretcher is allowed inside the scanner room. The MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) machine seems to have a gravity to pull metal things and so I have to leave the wheelchair outside and my brother lifted me and lay on the scanner. Unexpectedly a coin from his pocket was pulled into the machine and only then I understand the magnetic attraction the machine holds. 

Before they put into the machine made sure that no metal is attached to the body and also no polyester is worn. They cover the face with a mask like thing and the head was tightly tapped to the sides to prevent moment. I could manage these things and lying for 45 minutes and motionless isn’t that stressful but the sounds that raises from the machine make me tensed.  The machine develops different constant beats that enough to create headaches to feel terrific. I just want to shout to stop these and discontinue the exam, but tried to be patient and bring peace of mind. I closed my eyes almost the scanning period perhaps to keep away my scare and being tensed. Glad there wasn’t anything difficult at breathe and mom sitting at a corner of the room gives me little comfort, though any moment is banned inside the rooms during the process.

Out of my control, I was praying for the moment to come to an end.  It was pretty cool inside the room and I was trying not to shiver and it was great sigh of relief when I hear the door was opened and pulling out of the machine my first question at the diagnostic person was is it finished? The technology has developed a lot and I wonder why anyone didn’t find a way to keep away the terrific resounding of this MRI.  I felt like I would never go for an MRI again but I should be glad that I unaware about this process until experienced myself to keep away the pre-tense. Except few remarks on scoliosis and lordosis the report has comes out almost normal! Looking forward to check with the doctor tonight and I am feeling slightly pain in the abdomen lately, hope all is well soon.  

My new activity and rise in temperature

Summer hasn’t existed quite yet, but the temperature has risen to the warmth of mid-summer season. Yesterday has been the worst day with maximum temperature (about 37°C in Chennai) of the month, we experienced a sleepless night with sudden inoperative of air con. I wasn’t in need of AC until couple of weeks back but the situation is too bad for this early stage of summer. Even with two fans at swirl we couldn’t tolerate the muggy inside the room and with all windows closed, due to mosquito menace, it feels unaired. Glad the AC service man attended us in morning, made sure the machine works properly gives a sigh of relief and hope of good sleep tonight.

I am going through some inexpressive frustration in life dealing with relationships and inability to change certain things. I was perplex with things happening around me and relationship with others make me feel disdain, as if things are pursued with an intention. I could somehow guess whether it is good or bad temper looking into their faces esp. the eyes convey so much, but I continue to act like nothing happening because it is not easy to lose a relationship although they deny or act like approving.  While things being like that I find interest on something to keep me busy and away from laptop and frustration sometime.

I am involved in craftwork for last few days on my own interest and hooked to do things with Popsicle sticks. Right now I execute a sort of farm house on my own planning and designing. Though I have begun with a simple home, I planned to do interesting things of my favourite in coming days rather going behind regular items. My grandmother was helping me last few days, cutting Popsicle sticks in whatever shapes I needed, before she go back to her home. After grandfather’s demise on December 31^st, she didn’t move out of her home for last two months due to some rituals and only last week she came home to stay with us for few days. Glad she is doing well now and come out of the grief of grandfather and started to practice with stride. In her absence I feel like broken hand as I have to ask mom or dad to cut Popsicle stick to build my house. My grandmother being skilful in craftwork (remember her rework on this) doesn’t need a mention about her aid and it only enhances my interest. I want to complete the house before she visits me next week and hope she guides me. 

From this moment on...

There are innumerable moments in life but remembering one particular moment where I took oath to do or not something is pretty hard to recollect. I haven’t took anything serious to remember a moment but there are certain places, in the journey of life, the collection of phases from different time moment converts me to be like this and that. I love traveling from the beginning and I could not sleep well (in the excitement) whenever I know I’m going to travel by next day but until 2006 or before started bogging I wasn’t passionate on traveling. I bought internet connection in 2003-04 mainly for learning about places and checking it virtually as I could not go to see all the places due to my immobility, at least let me explore the places online.

Pic by Jeevan

In Dec 2005, we bought an apartment flat and moved out of our native house, and during that event my uncle captured some photos with his digital camera which I uploaded in my computer and shared on the blog. This was the turning point and the feel I got by sharing photos and friend’s feedback inspired me to show more interest on photography. Then on I kept looking forward for a camera to shoot and share. At this moment, understanding my interest, my cousin’s conveyed my desire to his father who in return giveaway his camera to me and thus began the journey, the inspiration for the travel. The May 2006 Kodaikanal vacation ignites both the interest and rather taking portraits and group photos my passion for nature shoot began there.

But the real excitement of photography and traveling begin in year 2008, when I upgraded to 8 megapixel camera from the mere 3 mp and the micro mode in that makes feel delight shooting items on close distance and getting enriched detail. The Valparai visit on the same year was my first adventure travel and wild shooting. And writing about my experience and narrating the stories of traveling was another exciting phase I always look forward to relive the moments through words and photos. To say from this moment on, photography and traveling has transformed my intention of living and my blogging style also become different from just knowledge and facts based posts. And to say from this moment on, blogging has changed me so much and gave some hope to look forward in life. 

For A Week for Writing: Prompt 97 - From this moment on

A walk back in memory and demise of my friend’s father!

One of my childhood friends father passed away on Friday and he’s not only my friend’s father but a long time neighbor and family friends whose relationship were grown from my grandparents generation. Karthi and Vela are our (me and bro) best childhood friends and our friendship lasted for very long time but only Karthi was in touch with me and even after we shifted our home a decade back we used to enquire every time meeting either. But after shifted back to the neighborhood (close to our native house here) a year back, I happen to meet him often while coming around the neighborhood in the wheelchair by evenings, and I also meet his father while crossing his home where he used to be reading newspaper sitting outside his home. I can’t believe he’s no more! Even few days before his death, he inquired me on walk – what they refer me to be out in wheelchair and he showed no sign of demise. A severe cardiac arrest, all of sudden, ceased his breath.

To describe our relationship, I need to go back to the childhood days and back from school most of our evenings were spent at their home front (which was at our backstreet), playing with our best friends – Karthi and Vela. During those times he used to come back from work, pedalling his bicycle but we continue engage with the play and I showed little or no attention towards him unlike his bike. He was working in a private company and his only mode of commute to work was in bicycle, the traditional one aka utility bicycle. A classmate of my uncle (dad’s brother), he’s a very family man and irrelevant to anything outside his family and showed great care for his children and though economically backward he was more concern about their studies and health. For any ailment he would take them to the ESI (Employees’ State Insurance) hospital, which is a self-financing social security and health insurance scheme for Indian workers with less income. Placing one in front and back, he used to pedal them to the hospital. The way he fed his son with cough syrup is still vivid in my memories J

His elder son and my friend Vela is a very intelligent student and so bright in studies. I have seen him even correcting his classmates’ exam notes that were given to him by their school teacher and he was such genuine in his assignment showing no favor to anyone even if they are his close friends. Being family friends, his father treated us no different and we even had fun playing at their bed room, jumping here and there and he never scold us anyone. One time, he took me to beach along with his sons in the bicycle; putting his younger one in the baby seat in front; me and Vela shared the rear carrier. We had fun playing at the beach sand and the duo went against the waves to take bath in sea and a scare being, I decided to stay back in shore taking care of their things while they enjoy the waves. Anytime he sees me, he never fails to enquire and also tease me sometime with nothing ill inside. Moreover, I ever seen him serious and an easy going personality really makes me wonder what cause him heart attack. I know a person’s attitude doesn’t expose on his health but ignorance plays an important role and being unaware of the causes and symptoms of heart attack pull us into trouble that leads to nothing but death.

I know he has experienced mild stroke in past that forced him to drop his security job, after the company he worked was shut down or he left the job. The only complaint or disappoint I hold for him was that he stayed away from his mother due to some personal regrets related to their transformation from thatched house to a concrete floor. I have watched through their building home and destruction of the former, but my connectivity with the friends (Karthi and Vela) and visit to their house has diminished slowly as my mobility become restricted, the diversion in lifestyle brought each ends loose and tied somewhere. But shifting back to the native neighborhood makes me feel of reconnecting and creates chances to keep in touch… but I didn’t expect this disconnection from him quite. I really forget to say about his wife, who has been a great support to their family not only by love and affection and caring but also economically she aided by grinding flours to others who can’t do themselves at their  home.  Hope his family and my friends gather strength to bear his lose.