Fighting with Anxiety

Anxiety and panic attacks have been bothering me for a while now, and I'm finding it difficult to ignore the unwanted thoughts and concentrate on my regular work. I couldn't pinpoint the source of my anxiety because it was a thought or distraction related to my overall existence. I remember how clear my mind was a few weeks ago and how being alone and doing nothing didn't bother me, unlike now, when I wanted to be around someone or watch something active, like street activities or television, to distract myself from distracting thoughts. 

I almost believe it was because I slept less or frequently awoke at night. Until a few days ago, I felt sheepish as I approached midday, and a cup of coffee or tea would perk me up. Yes, I believe it's the reason—my sleepiness was disturbed—that drew me to drowsiness during the day, which may have paved the way for abnormal thoughts, distraction, and anxiety. 

I realized how I was losing sleep, and it was my attendant, who showed up early in the morning to assist my parents in putting me in the bath that was disrupting my sleep. My attendant works in an ortho clinic and has to be there by 9 a.m., so he has to put me to bathe before that, and my usual time of waking up is never less than 8 a.m., and mostly I get deep sleep nearly close to waking up; I have to force myself awake so that he is on time for his primary job. In this condition, I made a night trip while returning from Kodaikanal on February 1. It was a nightmare that took me a few days to become stable. Perhaps this was the source of my confusion.

I checked with the doctor, and he prescribed me a tablet to take at night for sleeping and relaxation (explored on google to know its purpose) for 30 days, but I haven't taken it yet because I'm feeling better now, but I decided to take it if I feel need it. I'm confident I will come out of this dilemma with much-needed sleep (to get clear without taking medicine) and concentrate on my regular activities. Let's see 

My Tea Travel

Tea and rain are often combined to create an ideal time for a tea break! 

Tea has become inevitable in our daily lives, and many of us have become obsessed with its flavor and the refreshment it offers with every cup. The monsoon we are going through (right now) has become a favorite time and reason to have some hot cups of tea.

The weather in Chennai is unusually cool for the last few days, thanks to a depression in the sea that's moving slowly, and it's impossible not to compare it to the weather in hill stations or highlands; I'm mildly shivering in the open. I turn off the ceiling fans, something I rarely do in Chennai unless the weather is cool enough. A cup of hot tea would feel great. 

Actually, I was and still am a coffee enthusiast; tea came into my life in 2013 when I was bedridden for nearly two months owing to a femur fracture and cast. I sipped tea and coffee between breakfast and lunch and also took that as an advantage to sit on the bed -   I hate lying down for a long. Tea became my regular beverage.

Not that I hadn't sipped tea before, and I shouldn't forget that I'd been traveling with tea since childhood because my grandfather owned a tea shop, and my first tea may have been at his stall. I remember drinking tea solely to dip butter biscuits in; however, I liked tea when my grandfather made it personal. Tea and butter biscuits are my favorite combo.

I'm always looking for good tea, but that doesn't imply home-brewed tea is poor. When I travel, I prefer to explore different tea shops to acquire a varied taste of tea since I believe the flavor of tea varies from person to person, perhaps which is why someone who brews good tea is called a tea master. But if I see Kumbakonam degree coffee, I would land there!  

The Kumbakonam-degree coffee and Filter coffee are my favorites. If I were given a choice between tea and coffee - of the type mentioned above, I would go for coffee.

I attempted to recall some of my favorite teas, but I could think of a couple. The tea at the Waterfall Estate outlet in Valparai was one of them. Among the three journeys I took to Valparai, south India, no trip is complete without tea at the outlet. I also enjoyed a tea I drank in the Nilgiris village of Yedappalli, and the Chamraj Tea Estate outlet has the best tea. 

(Waterfall Estate's cute little hut tea outlet.)

More than a month ago, I only drank milk-made tea, which is still the same I enjoy most of the time. I'm always looking for the finest tea and the best among them. My parents drink a specific brand of tea, but I used to switch brands to taste something better and better, but after a few cups, the taste returns to the same, regardless of the brand. 

When I visited Munnar in Kerala, I made it a point to visit the Tata Tea Museum and factory - which I will write about in a separate post. I tried a different tea at their store and bought a couple of packets of KannanDevan Tea, but what I tasted there was not the same as what I tasted at home. So I understand that the method of brewing tea makes a difference. 

Some time ago, I  tried Assam Masala Tea, or Chai as it is known in other regions of India. I enjoyed the aroma of the tea, which had a little spicy flavor. And we don't make it daily because it takes time to brew, unlike the traditional approach of tea powder dropped in boiling milk. I recently bought Darjeeling tea, which I had been planning to taste for quite some time. 

I learned Darjeeling tea is the finest tea in the world, and it was even a favorite of the late Queen of England, the great Elizabeth. Darjeeling tea is organic and hand-picked to be distinct for its label, and it tastes best when made with hot water rather than milk. I ordered Darjeeling black tea from Amazon, and because it was my first time, I chose tea bags over tea leaves.

I looked for an excellent Darjeeling tea on Amazon and chose Typhoo Darjeeling Black Tea Bags, whose price seemed reasonable and dependable after reading the reviews. I'm not sure which varieties are the best because this is my first time tasting this type of tea, but I'm happy with the flavor. I always want to taste the true essence of tea, and Typho's Black Tea is delivered on that front within a few minutes of dipping the tea bag.  

Typhoo Darjeeling Black Tea Bags came with an offer of two boxes of tea bags, each containing 25 tea bags. I was hesitant to buy it at first, but after taking a sip, I couldn't think of anything else except savor. 

Blog, Blogger, Carrom and Kavin!

First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for your comments, suggestions, and concern for my emotional well-being in the previous post. It gives me a boost and energy to do something outside my regular activities, which keeps me continually occupied and ensures that I never have a dull moment or allow the dreary weather to cloud my cheery mood. I'm always an upbeat person who tries to grin even when things are unpleasant; even when things are tough, I keep an ear open for tiny notes of birds or other critters tapping around. 

Someone suggested I play Carrom, which was my childhood favorite. 

"Carrom is an Indian tabletop game that is immensely popular in the Indian subcontinent. It is widely played by families, including children, and at social occasions, with varying standards and rules in different places."

Most of our summer vacations were spent playing carrom (along with other games), and when our cousins visited home, we played carrom, but I don't remember touching the striker in the last ten years. I quit playing carrom when my cousins lost interest (because I can't play the game on my own), and I even lost my carrom board in a 2015 torrential downpour.

I have always wanted to play carrom, but my fingers have either stopped cooperating, or I lost the power to hit the striker afterward. My memories of carrom were always refreshing, and I could close my eyes and return to those treasured memories. I also used to stand and play carrom while wearing caliper shoes. 

Me and my cousins playing carrom from 2009.

My carrom board, which was 20 years old when I lost it, has always had a special place in my heart. My late maternal uncle bought us the carrom board in 1994 or 1995, and I took good care of it, even telling my cousins (born after 1995) that this carrom board is like your older brother so they wouldn't damage it. 

Everyone in our families adored our uncle, so you can tell how special he was. He was a philanthropist, not only financially, but his hard work had earned him great value and respect in the eyes of others. So how could I throw away something that remained as a memory of him, and I had only saved a few things that were also stored away in the loft? I could feel his thoughts were settled in the bottom of the memories like sediments underwater that never resurface until something triggered them.

My blog is significant in my life because it allows me to openly share my sadness, joy, and discomfort with life, which I have done for the past 17 years. Nobody supports me as much as you, bloggers, and friends, and your comments meant so much to me. In contrast to other social media today, where people only like and rarely share thoughts, I find your comment communicates with me individually. 

The hurting has never been a new occurrence in my life, and when it overflows, it bursts here in the expression of thoughts, but lately, I have discovered a delight in life. Kavin! 

My nephew Kavin lightens the mood, and I can't think of anything else in his company, and in his embrace, I am lifted to my emotional core since I haven't felt this way in a long time. I couldn't put it into words; when he hugs and kisses me, it's like the bliss of having accomplished something so pure, innocent, and beautiful that it will never be the same again.

It's something I've realized as he's been away from me for a while now; even though his absence was brief since he was visiting his maternal grandma, I feel the void intensely, but when I think of him, it feels unspecified. Though my nephew Jeswanth (my cousin's sister's boy) was the first to give me that emotion after a long time, Kavin, who is only six months younger than him, inspires me more because we live together in a household, and Jeswanth comes and goes from his house. 

Nothing but a little regret!

It was a tunnel called the parental, and there was no light beyond it. No one knows much about me other than a concern, or I don't know that I haven't shown much of myself to anyone curious about the person I am or me. 

Aside from the primary feeling that life will be unbearably difficult without my parents, I worry about how understanding the people around me are. I don't travel far, but within my home and the extended family, beyond my mother and father, there is no awareness of me. 

People see me in my wheelchair all day, but I wonder what they think of me when I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.  Life isn't pleasant sitting in a wheelchair all day, but it is comfort compared to other obstacles such as attending nature calls, bathing, eating, sleeping, and other essential daily demands. I'm just thankful I have an electric wheelchair to get around on my own; otherwise, life would be difficult and timid. 

I just realized that, aside from my parents, the people around me don't know how to handle me unless I guide them. Still, the important thing is that they lack patience (which is a risk factor when dealing with me), and despite living nearby and seeing me daily, they lack the basic knowledge to assist me. They help us simply because we call them, rather than acting in their self-interest.

I was recently emotionally injured, albeit not directly affected, and I am positive it was related to my issue. I often felt like causing problems for someone because of how they behaved or acted hastily. 

It's a blessing and a curse at the same time that I can read the expressions on my loved ones' faces, perhaps because I notice details; even little changes don't escape my attention; the tone and, most of the time, their eyes reveal their intent while their lips go mute or overtalk. 

It all started in 2019 when my father had an angioplasty and stents placed. He had been cautioned not to lift weights, so he no longer lifted me for any position-changing activities. Since then, my brother and cousin have been assisting me with this, and we have only lately employed an assistant to help my parents place me in the bath and toilet. 

We had an assistant at the beginning of 2019, but he only came for one day; when he lifted me, I tore a ligament in my shoulder. We didn't look for anyone after that, but now that I couldn't bear the hardships we caused them, or at least lessen the burden, we seriously looked for a caretaker and got a nice guy through my physiotherapist. He works as an assistant radiologist in an ortho clinic, taking x-rays, and he agreed to assist me on the side.

Everything is going smoothly till now, and my heart also feels light that I won't bother my loved ones too much. Although I know they don't deny helping me at any time when we call, and I want to emphasize "just when we call," they are aware of how much I rely on them, but until we call, they don't reply or ask on their own and sometimes have to compel when they are out somewhere. It's difficult to do justice because they aren't obligated to answer, but I'm grateful for the unconditional help, which is impossible if they don't love me.   And I'm glad that, despite their apathy, they continue to help me, even though I'm upset that they do so without knowing anything about how things work for me!  

Following a two-month hiatus and the stormwater drain!

On Sunday, after a two-month hiatus, I emerged from the house or was hoisted down through the elevator for an evening stroll. As you may or may not be aware, the work of rebuilding the stormwater drain in our street, a project initiated by the Chennai Corporation to restore all waterways that carry rainwater by September, when the northeast monsoon begins, has kept me at home since June 3rd; even though the stretch in front of the house has built, it is still incomplete without slabs to cover the gaps left by them, and we were to do some mason work for me to access it through the wheelchair. 

I am dissatisfied with the work done on the stormwater drain by the Chennai Corporation on a contract basis. At least in our neighborhood, it appears that the contractors were non-professionals who lacked even the most fundamental sensibility. I'm furious at how they lay the stormwater drain in our backstreet, which was almost done but unevenly! It was narrow in some places, wider in others, and took many curves where there should have been a straight line; all of this illustrates their carelessness and unprofessionalism in creating a channel. The worst is happening on our street, where only 10% of the work has been finished. 

Coming to our street, the construction lags so much, and we're thankful that we fall within the 150-foot length they've done, but there are still a few holes to be filled with concrete blocks. I expected them to finish the work in less than a month based on the speed with which they excavated, but two months had passed, and they had only completed the length I described. Some housefronts have difficulty crossing the ditch with stretched steel bars, and no vehicle can enter or exit the houses. 

Worst of all was the mosquito infestation. We usually don't have mosquitoes during the summer, and only if it rains do one or two emerge but now that it's dry, the dug-up ditches holding sewage water from some residents' leaky pipes have become a breeding ground for mosquitoes, forcing us to stay inside after 6 p.m., closing all the doors and windows. Nonetheless, they find their way into our houses and make our nights a nightmare! We wake up several times during the night to use the electric bats to kill the mosquitos. It irritates us when they arrive, singing in our ears. 

I got a bladder infection last month, as you are all aware. I couldn't go to the doctor or leave the house to have a medical test to determine the severity of my ailment. Fortunately, the doctor treated me without seeing me and also arranged for the scan to be done at home. I'm doing well today, but I'm still on medication, which I have to take for another week. The local officials never pay attention to our complaints and are incredibly deaf and stupid, however, the councilor enjoyed standing in front of a section of the completed stormwater drain and then vanished, never to be seen again. Huh 

What a week!

I haven't blogged in exactly a week. Even though it hasn't been a long time, the last week has been hell for me, and even though I'm feeling a little better now, I'll need to stay on meds for a few more days to treat my UTI. 

It starts with a mild cold and progresses to a nightmare on the 21st night. The next day, it gradually turned into a slight fever, followed by urinary irritation and frequent urination. It was unmistakably a sign of a UTI (urinary tract infection). I had already taken an antibiotic for a cold, thinking it would help, but as it worsened, my father went to the doctor and was prescribed medication. 

Perhaps I should have caught a cold from my 8-month-old nephew, Kavin, who was sneezing around, and the UTI has boarded along. In 2020, during the COVID period, I experienced a similar effect that lasted more than a week and required five injections to get rid of the infection. 

Our doctor wasn't in the city this time, but dad called him and got me medicine on his advice and took a urine culture test to determine the infection. The lab test took three days to complete, and the doctor arrived on the same day to prescribe different medications and three injections. I finished one today and have two more on hold. The injection location on my waist has gotten uncomfortable, and the other two have made me nervous. 

The previous week has been indescribable. When my urine became purple in a few instances, I knew it was a severe infection, and I knew it wasn't an easy pass like the urine itself. I'm hoping to feel better soon, and I couldn't concentrate on anything because my thoughts were preoccupied with the difficulties of pissing. My frequent urination has also produced challenges for my parents, who are my primary source of assistance in my daily life. For both, life becomes stressful. I hope things return to normalcy soon. 

I will check the blogs sooner.

Update

It was like yesterday, we welcomed a new year, but we had already come to the end of a month of the year. January, a month to be refreshing and cheering up following the Tamil festival and cool weather, had become a month of great exhaustion, and on the other hand, the cool weather had come worsening the state while one is ill.

More than a week has passed since I touched the laptop. My health took a setback with fever, abdominal infection, and loose motion dragging me out of the course of regular activities. To put it simply, I'm not a person who takes afternoon naps, but all these days I was forced to take it with exhaustion and from sleepiness nights. My fatigue almost went to a state of IV therapy, but I didn't go that far and managed with ORS and chyme to sustain against the heavy dose of antibiotics. And I can understand the seriousness of the infection from the gripping pain in the abdomen. 

Now, after completing the course of medication, I'm slowly coming out of nausea and tracing back to normalcy. The past week was quite difficult for us, and I had trouble attending the restroom more times; the worst phase was at night, with no one to help mom and dad. I never faced a situation like this and am still reclaiming my previous condition and hopefully will do so soon as I  plan a short trip before the winter season closes. 

The covid doesn't seem to be an issue these days, except the consoling fact that many people wear the mask in public, either due to awareness or fear of paying fines. The govt. to comes to slack mood or deliberately doing so because of emerging local body election, despite the omicron at peak, many people move along with the symptoms of same but untested. Covid almost added to the norm, and the only thing we have to do is keep the system running smoothly until some changes occur. 

We are living at the best and worst at the same time. The worst is undoubtedly the deadliest covid, a tremor that keeps shaking the entire earth and killing millions, and the best is that we came up with a vaccine that quickly, and ever in history, to shield the people from the spikes of covid. I can't imagine a situation now without the vaccine; what a great source of life our scientists found, and many still hesitate to take, and some skip the second dose while the booster began. I wish everyone joins this war to break the chain that confines us in the embrace of covid.

I hope you all are safe and progressive.

Omicron Vulnerability?

Omicron is spreading at an incredible pace in India, and the trial for Omicron has stopped here as most of the cases are the same. The possibility of catching the virus has become a no issue as I guess most of the cases of mild fever or cough and cold should be Omicron, including myself. It began with a throat cramp, improved with cold symptoms, and mild fever. After medication - 3 days of antibiotics and cold medicine, I have improved to the point where I can type this post on my laptop. Perhaps, the mild symptoms of Omicron and 2 doses of vaccine help fight this stage.

First, my brother experienced the same few days early as mine, and now, my aunt also faces the same. It stops me from doing anything that I'm interested in rather than watching tv and listening to music since tired or annoyed by the cold symptoms. I skipped two days off of regular physiotherapy. I keep checking with the oximeter that reads normal, and the temperature is too normal to keep away the anxiety.

Though I know Omicron isn't life-threatening for those who took the vaccine and even unvaccinated face any serious issue or go to ventilation condition, the weaker immunity as mine has to be cautious. Our state Tamil Nadu has gone on night and Sunday lockdowns as cases grow as 2 thousand per day, and further restricting or relaxing depends on the increase or decrease of the virus spread. But hopefully, it looks like at the speed of rising, it perhaps falls short and disappears quickly from the society. 

With two years of experience related to Covid, we should be well aware of the reasons for that and adapt to the new lifestyle, which is already 2 years old.  But I am still annoyed hearing that some people haven't taken a dose of vaccine and fall into the custom of masking their jaws. For example, our servant maid doesn't wear the mask properly - at least she took the vaccine. And because of that, my mother wears a mask whenever she enters the kitchen. 

I hope you all are safe and following the covid protocol to prevent being affected.

Take care

Do age define all?

Do you think age defines all? There's wording in Tamil "Sathikka vayathillai"  to achieve, age is not a barrier, and the same goes with anything as you can't decide what your heart desires despite the health condition and age. Though I know fatigue is not only for the body but for the mind as well. But many a time, the body could not cooperate with the energetic mind or interest level; it is perhaps because of weakness or illness, not age. 

Age, in general, is considered to be a part of the time or phase that takes place in the body and mind as well, but what we have done is define things that have to be done at specific age only. I'm not going to deny that because things generally work adjutant with that, and true to an extent. But this is not with all the cases - some exceptions have the right to think out of the box. It is possible or not is up to the one who tries, and we should not deny it generally because of age.

Like the time that does not wait for anyone, age keeps rising every year either you consider it or not; our body keeps worn out as we used to it, our mind may also feel tired, but we can't say it is the state of mind with everyone. I see many young people feeling lazy and lacking interest/energy to do things; at the same time, I see brisk elders walking thousands of steps daily, working hard, and reading a lot to keep them at a steady pace even though they can't work beyond a limit. What I see is the way they try and experience life despite their age. 

Is there anything that only kids should enjoy these things and adult these and olds that? You can't refine or define your mind as it is beyond your reach, and it consists of many other things than age. Someone in mid-age who loves to wet in the rain would hesitate to step out of the home thinking what the society would say? Of course, are you a kid to play in the rain? Is rain belong to kids? If you are good enough with resistance power (desire sees that?) or ready to face the illness that follows, go ahead and enjoy the natural showering. 

I would say kick away the age barriers. I hear many opposing it and have reasons to argue, like is it ok for kids to explore adult things?  Those who turned age 18 considered adults because 18 is a general age or stage where individuality happens. But is it questionable whether everyone over the age of 18 is mature enough to handle their uniqueness? I have seen people below the age of 18 being responsible and acting consciously and those aged to behave ridiculously. 

Some hesitate to treat the child hidden within them, thinking about society and stuffing themself in a stressful mood, and act as if they lost interest in the childish things. How many adults play video games on the smartphone, and isn't that kids' stuff? lol 

I'm not complaining but want to encourage you to explore things that were fair, lawful, and harmless to the circumstances - that society put behind the bars of age.  If someone feels young at the age of 60, let it be, and age is only a number, and it counts only on aging and never reads a mind. Our life is surrounded by a lot of little happiness, and we should not miss those just because it is not related to our age. 

Nephew Jeshwanth and the New Arrival

My nephew Jeshwanth is almost six months now - by November 3rd, he completes the same. His activities have enhanced now, and he flips, frequently lies on his stomach, and tries to crawl at a snail pace. And it is funny to see him move forward by lifting his butt up and down. 

Jeshwanth from sister-in-law's baby shower last month.

He approaches and tries to grab things with his tiny hands and tries to feel us by touching our faces. He's quick with his gesture, and at a glance, it looks like he is hitting us, but the next second he shows tenderness and smiles that are so innocent to sense. He tries to mimic the words or sounds we emit (by twisting his mouth) though only air exits his mouth the way he observes us amazes. 

He screams when his happiness rose, and giggles when we make funny and silly sounds. And he's quiet other than those and uses wakeful eyes when watching television. But we never encourage that habit when he comes to our home, but his eyes go over it due to colors, and his favorite is the bright yellow of Chennai Super Kings (IPL cricket Team). My father used to watch IPL, and whenever he sat on his lap with a match at the same time, join him to watch colors. 

I added a short video below on  Jashwanth giggling and flipping. 

To add joy to the same track - to add another boy to the family, my sister-in-law delivered a baby boy (today). The family goes through an overwhelming joy, and on the other hand, we anticipated normal labor but had to go through cesarean since the baby turned overweight. The baby and the mother are doing well. And they are expected to be discharged in a day or two. The baby and the mother would go to their maternal home directly from the hospital to stay there for a few months before coming to our home, so we had to wait sometime to see the baby. 

Time

pic: google

Time is precious, and it never waits for anybody, and what I intensively know was I have a limited time. Though no one can predict the end of our lifetime, the fact is that no one lives beyond a limit, and for some, the time works short or lasts longer. Something that I utter often was 'no time. Not that it means I'm busy. My activities had slow down or cut short due to the progressive downgrade disability despite my intention of doing many things. Perhaps because of it, my writing has come down, or I'm taking a long time to write to improve myself to a standard of writing without mistakes. Not only writing, but all my daily activities take a toll, including the time I take for dinner or breakfast is had not less than half an hour. 

I realize the importance of time and its cruciality to be creative. I try as much as I can to use the time rather than just being idle, and I see how satisfied I am at the end of the day, either it helps someone or not. But one of the things I don't like is the division of time into good and bad times. I think it's good or bad depends on our intention and if we intend to do good all time is a good time.   

Some people always watch time to do things, some hurry to do within a time limit or delay up till the right time come. I know religious people follow a custom of watching good time to begin an event or any activity they take in front, similar to the Hindus who follow Rahu kalam and yamagandam - a time considered to be inauspicious. Though I don't believe in the mentioned above, I can't appreciate people-watching time for everything. Just because things didn't work for them, blame always falls on time. 

Like I said in the beginning, time never waits for anybody or hurry up for our impatience, and we need to adjust things according to the availability of time. 

Masks and Events

Masks have become mandatory in the period of the pandemic. Just because I didn't go out much, I did not experience the difficulties of wearing a mask much - except going through my brother's engagement and marriage last year, and the baby showers of my cousin at the beginning of the year and sister-in-law's yesterday. Mask doesn't become a matter in my life. I wear a mask only when I go for an evening walk on Sundays or guests visit our home. Since the members in our home follow the protocol sincerely leaves me pretty casual at home, and even seldom do they miss a thing or two, I remind them in earnest. 

The difficulty I experience - wearing a mask - is most difficult to speak and respond through a smile. It's not easy for me to lift my hands above the elbow unless I use a board or the wheelchair tray to support the hands, so usually, my response to those gestures by hands to say hi or bye is replay through a smile and headshake.  I got mild neck pain yesterday at the sister-in-law's baby shower responding to the relatives and friends visited the venue. I wore a mask the entire occasion, though it wasn't much difficult to complain rather than talking and responding to the guests, I hesitated to speak and converse wearing the mask. 

I saw two kinds of people at the event, those who wore the mask and those don't. And there's a third kind that masks the mouth alone or covers their cheeks. It has been proved that the events like these are the spreading ground of Covid, and keeping this in mind, we invited only close relatives and friends to count about 100 total, but it reached out of hand to about 150 members. 

I decided to stay in a corner to keep distance myself from others. I also minded them neither they check me nor not; I tried to stay away until finding me on their own. I like to interact with people and hear stories from their corners, and occasions like these are bridges to connect with people from distant relatives and friends, but now it is out of reach due to pandemic block. Though we know it's a temporary block, the occasion like these are limited in my life as I don't attend every event that takes place in our family, the pandemic has suppressed the leftover chances. 

The venue (of the event) is close to my house, so I went there in my wheelchair, and the hall located on ground level made my attendance easy. My uncle accompanied me to and fro the hall, And also, the event ended well, and those who could not attend the wedding (due to the cyclone then) made a visit to bless the couple. It's also one of the reasons for the rise in the number of visitors. 

Instead of turning better, the situation in our state continues to be the same or to say the cases of covid is slightly rose in last few days increases the anxiety. This event was something possible only because of the decrease in covid cases and relaxed lockdown. It's all in our hands to make such events possible only if all followed the protocol and sustain self-discipline.

Motivation!

I don't think I need it. I don't think I'm looking out for it, rather seldom that to I couldn't remember though. I have many things to do - a list of books to read and movies to watch, and travelogues to write - that keep me away from the need for motivation.  If boredom stroke, let it for some time. If laziness embrace, let it hug sometimes. Be idle but never let it become your identity.

I have nothing to achieve when life itself is a challenge to fight every day. And I'm not desperate; perhaps, my life is the same to look for something separate to seek motivation. I'm optimistic to accept things that come in my way, to least complain about difficulties, but not fail to raise my voice to expound the right to resistance to passion. I dream a lot about traveling, and I push myself to travel as far as possible, and it has been the sole intention, motivation, passion, and anything that adds upon as layers conduct of course of my life. 

Nature is my eternal motivation for life, which has everything to inspire me for daily transit. The chirping birds, blooming flowers, fluttering flies, the fragrance of soil before the rain took into force, the magnificent sunrises and sunsets to the beauty of twilight, the fluffy to altocumulus clouds against the pretty blue sky. Nature is a marvel in every aspect of its exists, and as a guide, it decides my travel destinations which perhaps lead me to my destiny. 

Course Completed!

I completed the 2 doses of vaccination on Saturday after 92 days of 1st dose. 

My parent completed the course of vaccination (with Covishield/AstraZeneca) before I took the 1st dose, and the time period for them then was 45 days. But when I took it, the ICMR (Indian Council of Medical Research) extended the time between the 1st and 2nd doses of the vaccine to 90 days. I think this extension was to make the vaccine available for many, for at least one dose, to keep away from the seriousness of covid.  

For my 1st dose, I visited the nearest vaccination center, and that time it was a total lockdown so accessing the wheelchair wasn't difficult through the empty main roads. Now, the city bumped back to its array of traffic, and steering the wheelchair wouldn't be smooth, but I was in intend of visiting the center if there aren't any options.  

During my 1st dose, I saw the doctors and nurses at the vaccination center getting ready for home vaccination for elders and differently able as soon vaccinated me, as I was the last one to take a vaccine that day. And that was the day home vaccination was launched by the state government to facilitate those who couldn't access the center. So this time, I utilized the facility, and even before we enquired and two days to my 2nd vaccine, guys in two-wheeler came announcing in a megaphone that they would come home-to-home as a special vaccine camp (on Thursday 26 Aug) and the one who doesn't take can take. 

I waited, with a sigh of relief, and I waited the whole day, but there wasn't a sign of vaccination. 

The next day dad went to enquire about the home vaccination drive, and at the center, told there wasn't a home-to-home vaccination camp, and for me, they agree to come home if we arrange transportation. So upon this, dad took my cousin in our car and picked up the nurse from the center, and after vaccinated me (with Covishield/AstraZeneca), dropped her back. The nurse brought one dose for me after being vaccinated for 9 others as one vial of vaccine is injected to 10 people, and once open, it needs to be fully used within four hours. 

Same as the 1st dose, the vaccination went smooth, and I didn't experience any unusual health beyond 48 hours now except for a sore arm. My cardiologist advised drinking plenty of water for 1st dose prescribed blood thinner for a week for the 2nd dose, perhaps because the doctor might want to be cautious. Our state has gone to nill restrictions now, and more liberty with social activities, there's a great chance for a surge in cases and vaccination being the only solution, I'm glad to complete the course to feel secure. But, still being cautious is more than enough. 

Got vaccinated with Covishield (AstraZeneca)

I got vaccinated, 1st dose, today from the Urban community health center at a walkable distance from home.  Vaccination started in India in January, and the first preference was given to frontline workers and later to those above 45 years; from May 1st, vaccination open to everyone above 18. But, they couldn't begin as announced due to a lack of vaccination, and in our state of Tamil Nadu, it started only last week with special priority to differently challenged.

There are three different vaccines available in India - Oxford-AstraZeneca's Covishield, India's Covaxin, and Russia's Sputnik-V - and I took Covishield, which is the only available vaccine now despite what I was about to take in case of. My dad and mom had already completed the course of two doses of vaccine two weeks before mine. They took the 2nd dose 6 weeks later, following their 1st dosage. For me, they have given 90 days or 14 weeks to take the 2nd dose.

The ICMR (Indian Council of Medical Research) has extended the duration between the 1st and 2nd dose of vaccine from 45 to 90 days for Covishield. I don't know about the other two vaccines. I registered online on May 1st itself, and till now, every time I open the page of registration, it shows available for the 45+ only. So, rejecting it, we went directly to the vaccination center as it had already announced that differently challenged are an exception of all, and they are true to their words.

Less than a km from home, I reached the vaccination center riding my power wheelchair, and we had to wait for only 10 to 15 minutes that too because of some issue going between the staff and some public. Actually, they issued tokens to the people to take the vaccine, and they all seated maintaining a distance, and suddenly the staffs announced stopping of vaccination, and people erupt. After some argument, they were allowed to vaccinate, but some went off already.

By the time they vaccinated me, Republic Tv was covering the vaccination and after seeing me in the wheelchair, they inquired me about shooting while I was vaccinated. I accepted immediately as they said it could be awareness for people who refused to believe or were scared of vaccines. While moving out after waiting for 10 minutes on the premises, as advised by them to see I feel any discomfort, they interviewed me (click here for the video link on YouTube) with few questions related to my experience with vaccination.

I'm feeling normal until writing down this, and no pain on the arms too, but I don't know what kind of reaction it stored for me further tonight or tomorrow. I'm quite confident that my body accepts the vaccine and works better to prevent Covid and lessen the effects of anything that comes against it. The doctors who were around me when vaccinated encouraged me to eat well and be confident. And don't go anywhere until taking the 2nd dose, without fail.

Personal losses from the pandemic

I lost two of my uncles last Sunday to covid. Both are cousins of my mom; one was her father's sister's son, and another was her mother's sister's son - the one I mentioned in a previous post who was in the hospital under oxygen - are aged less than 55. Do covid see the age? The well do immunities survive along with early detection and prevention with mask and social distancing. 

Though we are not much acquainted with the paternal cousin of my mom, she got a lot of memories with him as she used to spend her vacations at grandpa's village playing with her cousins. I have stayed in their village during our vacation too, but I never remember seeing him there; perhaps he was out of the village on a job, our first intro was at his marriage. He was a flooring contractor in Mysore. More than 100 employees are working under him, and a lot had benefited from him. The youngsters from his village and family circle hired by him acquired flooring and become contractors themselves later.

I have been to Mysore twice, and both the time we stayed at his home and looked around the places. The first visit was after his marriage (1997), and the next was 10 years later, by then when he had three little kids. Only 2 weeks back, his elder daughter's engagement took place, and only my mom and brother attended the function following the preventive action. He has just built a big house in his village, and since the outbreak, he stays in the village with his family and makes monthly a visit or two to Mysore.

During one such visit after her daughter's engagement, he got the infection and spread it to his family. Many others who returned to the village from Mysore also had the infection, and they spread it for their share. He was on the ventilator for the last 3 days before he breathed last.

He's a respectful person, and during our visit to his house in Mysore, he treated us with such delight and made sure we are comfortable. His son just admission to medicine, and another daughter at college should be missing his father's support, and his family was dependent on him. Even though there won't be a problem with wealth, but still, the void left by him irreplaceable. 

Almost it was the same with my other uncle, the maternal cousin of my mom, though he isn't a big businessman or someone possession enough to leave their family to feel secure. His death was something that really shattered us, and we never thought he would die as he responded so well for the treatment of more than 10 days in the hospital with the aid of oxygen. And he passed away within a few days of discharge and while eating his breakfast at home.

He's not only mom's maternal cousin; he's my dad's cousin sister's son. So, he's related more than a way to us, and how could we not say his death is a tragedy when there's a series of death in his family. In 2019 his father passed away, and the following year he missed his mother, and in Dec 2020, his brother-in-law died prematurely, which has quite shaken their lives.

He's the one who motivated me to use a computer since he owned a DTP shop, and after I dropped out of school, I started learning computer, and it was through him I bought my first computer in late 2000. Because of the job of long seated, he got a serious back problem and was forced to change his work pattern. He shifted to various jobs, but he couldn't sustain a permanent job or income. He has two sons - one is doing engineering 2nd year and another studying in high school - and the elder boy is a smart and humble being.

I really need to say, his wife, who is also my cousin, is down to earth. And I have never seen someone as patient as her. She has gone through a lot of trouble due to the contradiction with her mother-in-law, but all the time, she was the one to step down, and she never complained about it.   The way she brought up defines her character, and I've seen her from my childhood, and she hadn't changed till now. There won’t be anyone who dislikes her, and what she exercises is all pure love and care.

It was not less than 6 months since she lost her beloved brother, who had been a great support to her financially and emotionally, and I couldn't imagine what kind of mindset she should be now. I could only feel disaster. I truly wish for the welfare of these families, and losing the family heads needn't a definition, and it's definitely a thorn trek for these families to reach the various summit. I hope they are motivated in some way to look forward to driving. Peace

I don’t think I need to define the situation in India as the world watches us; uncertainty continues as we are into the 6th day of the whole lockdown in our state Tamil Nadu. Keep us in your thoughts, please.

Covid Continuation and Personal Touch!

Covid hasn't changed its face in India and continues to storm ever stronger. Our state Tamil Nadu is increasing with cases at a range of 1000 per day. Since the assembly election results on Sunday, the yet to form new government has tightened the restrictions to an almost state of lockdown, leaving open the essential shops and limited public transportation. Whatever the government, without people's cooperation, nothing going to work out, but I could see a positive response, or accepting tendency from people, perhaps they continue to see the fierceness of covid 19 on every platform they roam and from their own circle of people. 

Last week one of our family friends died of corona. He's a barber, as well as an artist, who plays the traditional musical instrument Nadaswaram. He has played at all our family festivals, and everyone in our family circle knows him, and he's the only one who had cut my hair from childhood and trim beards once I started to grow. Since the early 90s, he owns a barbershop under the house of our grandpa's, and he succeeds the shop from his father as he becomes old and passed away later. So, until I was able to walk, I cut hair from his shop whenever I visit grandpa's house, and we never paid him, and he used to debit the amount from the rent.

It really saddens all of us, and we couldn't believe he's no more, and before the news become certain, I truly wished it shouldn't be him. I know he's somewhat indifferent wearing the mask, so I stopped calling him lately since the beginning of 2nd wave of covid, and I think now that I made the right decision. We couldn't share our condolences with their family or attend the funeral due to the covid. I wish he rested in peace.

One of my uncles and my mom’s cousin is admitted to hospital for nearly 10 days due to the covid infection, and he has been kept on oxygen. But his condition is far better from the day of admitted, and once his oxygen level becomes stable, he would perhaps be discharged. I have seen the indifference in wearing masks at both the persons I have mentioned above, and their conditions have certain created an impact on others, the importance, and need of wearing the mask.                

I think the people's anticipated price to realize the significance of covid seems so high. The consciousness is something I guess hasn't been obtained well by anyone, including some well-educated to realize what happens around them; forgetfulness is something natural, but how come one forget easily the terrific scenario taking place all over the world. Over a year, shouldn't we have learned to live with the mask? 

The health workers', doctors' lives are oscillating over life or death in preventing and curing the infection, but our roles weren't much greater, and their anticipation wasn't that much. Simple, wear a mask and stand or talk at a distance from each other is enough to improve the situation and quickly get us back to a normal lifestyle. Everyone is stuck in some cage, and liberation is a must to cheer up the body and mind that has been exhausted overseeing the destruction of lives and livelihoods due to covid 19. It's every Indian's responsibility to save our country, to act according to it.  Let's work together.

Spiritless Pongal Festival?

2020 exists no more, but it took away the happiness and festival spirit with along. I didn’t decorate the Christmas tree or put lights for Christmas and New Year, and now with Pongal, in 2 days I couldn’t feel excited in the usual way.  Pongal is the only festival that leftover to speak the tradition and culture of Tamil people living all over the world and it is a common festival that communicates our lifestyle and unites the people to support and thank farmers for their continuous work of feeding.

Every year we used to draw colorful Kolams, aka Rangoli, in front of the home to add auspiciousness to the festival, and boiling milk and rice in a mud pot, on top of firewood, is another kind of gesture greeting farmers and nature, and also helping the pottery workers.

I always love celebrating a festival beyond its religious beliefs and rituals, as I believe festivals are mean to gather people and celebrate the spirit of togetherness. Pongal is a social festival and farmer’s festive so wishing for their wellness is important and being a pandemic period, we had no option other than limiting our celebrations although our celebration is always restrained to two families. But this year is gonna be celebrated in the kitchen itself. Hehe

Talking about the past year will only make it sadder than happier, and it is a year the world will never forget for the number of losses mankind faced, but the consoling fact was nature restored its place even if it is a temporary phase.  Personally, 2020 is a devastating year for us apart from the pandemic Dracula sucking the life from all over the world, some lives were lost in our family circle and a couple of them were quite unexpected. Though no life is lost for COVID-19, my uncle’s death was the most sent tremors into our family than the cousin who died leaving back two little kids. No life is left to comparable and life is a life that is replaceable by anything but we haven’t been close with that cousin to deeply feel the pain.

This cousin is a good-hearted guy, and kindness would melt in front of his smile, and he had never raised his voice or think to hurt anybody, but he died out of high pressure and cardiac arrest. Perhaps because of this, he hadn't shared his problems with others, and this is a problem with many of our reserved types is to suffer silently. He’s a project manager in a reputed IT firm and an affectionate kid to his mom and with a problematic married life, should I need to define the challenges he got in front of him to cease his life?

My uncle is just 6 months younger than my dad and thus they are like best friends and whatever it is dad only call him first to know his thought before proceeding. I would say he was an iron man who lived among us, and his support to our families is significantly strong and there’s nothing he unknown, and has great grasping power to workout things at observing.  It was him, and it was on his captainship my brother’s wedding in November held successfully. But he couldn’t live less than a week to see them lead their life or any of our future events.  

We meet him frequently or to say at least once in a week or two, it was hard for us to think or feel he’s no more but we feel regret for our aunt who misses him the most as a loving wife. They lived like made for each other and as a cool and casual couple.  They lead any of our functions from the front and now seeing her confined to home hurts really. I hope she returns to normalcy and continues the way she was earlier. I know she too knows life has to move on, more than any of the other, as she already came over her daughter’s demise a decade ago. My thoughts go for her…

Thank you

My Brother’s Wedding Story

Before I go ahead, I need to say I wasn't in mind to post this blog because we faced a great loss to pluck away the happiness instantly coming out of the wedding mood. The unexpected loss of one of my uncles shattered us to pieces and left us in a great void of grief. I should make a post soon on this ironman, who had been greater shoulder support to our family and who also conducted the wedding from the front.  

Despite the pandemic restrictions and alert and alarming Nivar cyclone, the last week's wedding of my brother went on well and trouble-free as along. What we anticipated wasn’t far disappointing, but instead, reversed in order of what we planned.

We headed to the wedding hall earlier than we planned as we had no idea when the cyclone would hit hard or reach its extreme, so we informed the cook to prepare lunch for us,  and the bride’s family too reached the hall by the afternoon for the evening reception. There’s a custom that the bride should be invited only from the temple rather than going straight to the wedding hall had been broken down by the Nivar cyclone.

The day the reception and wedding was surrounded by gusty winds and pattering rain, agree to blow along the resonating Nadhaswaram and Thavil – our traditional music instrument used in weddings and any auspicious functions. Our family friend Selvam and his team of instrumentalists hit the notch in their playback instruments. Perhaps because this’s a wedding everyone looked out for for a very long time, and the enthusiasm hasn’t left him alone.

Everything went on planning or timing we set on other than fewer disappointments. We anticipated more people for the reception and less for the marriage, but the cyclone kept the twist, thereby reversing the order. The threatening Nivar cyclone had kept away many people from attending the evening reception as many don’t want to take a risk paid a visit to the morning wedding. But there weren’t people up to our expectation, and we understand the situation wasn’t favorable to us and there’s a waste of food for about 200.

Glad we decided to advance going to the wedding hall and halted there for the night, instead of coming home and return in the morning, like how we planned first.  Sure it would be a bad idea to execute our former plan in the gusty wind and rain, and our stay at the wedding hall was comfortable too. The room allotted for us on the ground floor was spacious with two king-size beds, reminding the cottages we hire during our travel,  was convenient to stay and watch every aspect of the wedding.

The night wasn’t easily forgettable apart from the gusty wind and rain blasting outside, there’s something disturbed the sleep, and it was a cold night that didn’t allow us to use to twin a/c in the room. The bride and the groom looked fair at their wedding/reception outfits and makeups what didn’t go right at the engagement.  After the wedding, the couple went to Tirupati to fulfill the request from the bride’s side.

I wore the mask thoroughly at the wedding, while many didn’t care a bit. I keep insisting my father wear the mask. But during the rituals, it goes off.  I keep the mask away only when I got to pose for a photo!

We were worried about conducting the marriage in the pandemic period, but the cyclone steered the wheel differently. We stayed at the wedding hall till everyone leaves and we moved out only after loading the things the bride brings home as Seeru (gifts from her parents) in the mini-truck, and we also made sure that we didn't miss anything. We are almost content with the happenings at the wedding, and the couple is happy, and the sis-in-law is quite calm and familiar to practice though we haven’t met before. And everyone had our part of smiles through the event.

A group photo of our beloved families after the wedding session and the one standing 2nd from the right (with a big mustache) is our uncle who passed two nights ago in a heart attack. 

Preparing for Bro's Wedding

Brother’s wedding arrangements were going in full swing, and with only two days left for the occasion – of Nov 25^th evening reception and Nov 26^th morning marriage – the invitation process came to an end with Panthakaal on Sunday. Panthakaal is a pre-wedding ritual, where a wooden pole is planted in front of the house (a few days ahead of the wedding) after prayer for a trouble-free wedding ceremony. In the bygone era, word of mouth was the only source of communication; so pole planting ensures the passers-by get to know about the wedding and also the good news is passed to others.

Now, following the Panthakaal, Nalanggu is performed on him for the remaining days to the wedding. Nalanggu is an activity of applying turmeric paste on the cheeks, hands, and feet of the bride and groom by the married women, and as a blessing, saffron is applied to their forehead. Mostly it’s a 3-day ritual, and we are having guests visiting us every day to perform the rite, and my brother is at hold at home from Sunday.  Other than relatives, we invite friends and neighbors to visit us to perform the ritual, and for me, I get something special to eat at home in the evenings and at night as we have guests.

Everything goes well until now, and our house got a cheerful look like the wedding lights that set home in the festival glow. But not to forget, the Nivar cyclone is nearing us and threatening to mess the celebration mood as it is predicted to strike exactly on the dates of the wedding. We have no option other than facing anything that comes our way, but we hope the cyclone passes off quickly before the event began.

The last few weeks were kind of huff and puff for the parents, and presenting the invitation has kept them away from the afternoon naps and our bedtime to past 11 pm. My uncle's family next door has taken care of me while my parents were away on an inviting spree, we still can’t reach out to many of them as we got a very short time, and the pandemic is another troublesome kicking ass as well. Conducting a marriage in a situation of social distancing and mask-wearing is a different experience we’re looking forward to, and hope things work well for us safely and securely.