Differently able

If there’s a word my entire world completes within is my ‘parents’, and they are everything to me I can say enough and their ability is what foremost to me to survive in everyday life. I can’t imagine a life left behind them and how many times I say I am not content with words or a mind of satisfaction that want so much to speak about and feels so eternal grateful.

I’m sure there’s a great challenge waiting for us ahead and it’s going to be tough more than enough today, I’m intend to live hold to the pieces of shattered hopes than thinking and worrying about the future unknown. I know it’s not a best attitude to ignore the thoughts about future, but if it’s going to be the worst for sure it’s nice being prevented and spared on live moments.

Moved to wheels for complete two and half years after lost back the ability to walk on caliper shoes and on my foot five years ago, I’m much movable in power wheels on plains than bitter walkabout in pain. I’m really grateful to the creators of these tools that support me when i unable to walk easy and life would have been setback a lot difficulty if these options doesn’t allowed to me.

The calipers that helped me walkabout for nearly a decade deserves the ability of me to stand even today and operation of power wheelchair on my own gives a freedom like feel even it’s for a certain distance or within home. I can’t even think of the difficulty in the absence of wheels and it would be the worst ever to change from one place to another and I am glad that I live in this advanced age to enjoy these comforts.

Footnote:

I like to thank everyone who supports me on this harsh journey and I’m sure without nobody beside I would have not enjoying this difficult world from being differently able. Thank you all here for listening to me and today is World Disability Day and the theme of this year is “Together for a better world for all: Including persons with disabilities in development”.

Untitled mind

(click to enlarge)

No plaster pls

Last week took a master health checkup from a familiar diagnosis center here resulting almost normal has confirms diabetic existing at basic in blood has stimulated the need for restrictions at high. It was an expected cause since my hereditary holds it and even advised by our doctor to go for sugar free yet before ahead but this soon is something disturbing somehow thinking about the results and causes that yet to produce.

I went on diagnosis at early morning in empty stomach; I took the blood test first followed by X-ray and ECG they gave me glucose to drink before taking PP sugar test after two hours from then. At fasting blood sugar shows 125mg – 15mg higher than the normal 110, and 236 at PP which is abnormal to ref. range of 70 – 150 has put stress upon another result of identifying cholesterol in blood at base increment are two causes which even imposes me a lot not has diffuses little charm from me freaking to unnecessary.

I still have a doubt that PP sugar has increased is due to dirking glucose juice which is unusual since before it’s a test taken two hours later having breakfast or lunch, but I need to believe that I hold sugar in name of diabetic. A think I don’t like or feel painful more than attending blood test was peeling the round plaster they stick to the skin on where blood was taken is harm I feel. Mostly I avoid sticking to plaster even if I get injured from childhood which is painful I feel every time peeling it out and if it is a blood test, I simple go for fold arm than stick to plaster which I unmindfully did this time and felt the pain.

Ps. still working on laptop system restoring process and yet to load data’s from the early desktop after recovery process finished and was learning more about Windows 7 operating system which is simple and easy more than XP.

Pity life of a little squirrel

As usual it was another wonderful evening wake from the courtyard of our apartment complex, where I wander usually in wheels as a favorite pastime listening to various sort of birds chirping form the lust green wasteland opposite to my house including the frequent and rapid cheep by squirrels from the trees and sight of birds.

The list of birds could be least to count but the songs they chirrup are enthusiastic and resonates eternal joy listening to more than one bird and sometime I try to mimicry there chirp as a replay call at themselves and wonder where will I go to listen to them if constructions come into this site and where the birds will disappear. There not alone humans but nature also inbuilt its curse to tackle each other animals to live nod me to realize hardly again by a curse incident that affect me very close to heart and sight.

I couldn’t take it easily because of the fateful happen in front of me and the cheeping aloud squirrel that continue to resonant in mind and remind me the incident every time I get to hear the creep sound around. It was really a sweet moment when I see these two little squirrels near our compound wall, leaping here and there to climb the wall, in which one seems elder to another. The young one was trying hard to climb the wall by various attempts in the present of another, which had already climbed on and thus I wanted to capture the scene and so asked dad to bring the cam.

The little squirrel fascinated me a lot through its cute and small unlike ever seen appearance. It was the moment I come around a car that parked in the apartment to capture the squirrel closely and I took couple of shots of the squirrel which was trying hard to climb quickly with just seconds to go for another shot, a black cat pounced from behind the car caught the little squirrel and run away… I was shocked by this sudden attack and couldn’t express anything at moment inadequate to response in grief.

I was touched by this not less similar incident of Big Cats attack animals in one pounce catching the throat and it was such the black cat’s hiss on the little squirrel. After sometime dad came to ask did u captured the squirrel, I replayed it’s gone, where he asked again and I said it’s gone. The cat took it away. Oh! What touched a lot was the other squirrel which was cheeping rapidly moving its tail up and down from the tree in the distress of missing its well bond little partner. I wonder now whether the little one might know a cat could take it into prey that’s y it was trying hard to climb the wall!

I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR THE PITY LIFE OF THIS LITTLE SQUIRREL, WHICH MADE MY DAY THROUGH ITS SIGHT AND CUTE GESTURES.

Regards Land of rising sun

No need to say how intense and rage was the waves washout Japan after a strong earthquake which we all see on constant videos, want us to share mourn and set condolence waves to reach our fellow beings who suffer from the greater devastation and indefinite loss of lives that we all wish to come into cease. The thoughts have been around them these days and keeping in touch with news about the rescue operations and wishing the nuclear reactors are prevented from radiation which cause a greater alarm to people who suffered a lot and we no more to see them affect with the explosion and fail to cool reactors.
The tsunami has one again make realize at large how wealth we are couldn’t rescue from this disaster and seems precaution has helped them to save lot of lives except those lose to waves. Earthquakes and tsunamis are not new to Japanese who set their lives on motion and often trembles are an example to be courageous and rise from where lives have been shattered to ashes and debris and come foremost in line of technologies and ideas are sure to prove again they are no fainter.

Couldn’t avoid thoughts seeing the tides crush through sand while at beach on Sunday, we talked and remembered about our devastation from Indian Ocean tsunami which we are somehow glad to be unlike Japan which washout about 10km offshore is something partial to close Chennai. I am somehow fear to waves from childhood and hardly have memories standup at sea waves and after tsunami I am little more scared if tides are unusual or rage.

It’s really hard to image life without electric which we all entirely depend on need and even an hour current cut cause annoy and disturbance but there millions without electric is seriously a problem and lack of water to drink and lose of homes and livelihoods has brought life to the edge with minus temperature to survive. More over the scare over the leak of nuclear reactors has began to threaten people immensely sending away wakeup call for every nation to make sure their reactors are secure to withstand certain disasters. Things happen and we couldn’t change or stop the reaction and we are to learn lessons how to survive when such disaster strike us somehow. Let hope all our heartfelt wishes and condolence rays console their unconditional lose to waves and prevent radiation.

Health outlet

In initial days I had no ideas what’s happening to me and I couldn’t realize or understand what’s stopping me from progress up on myself individually and I hate for not being able to cope up with others and felt that everyone leaves me behind to walk at slow pace and struggle to climb the stairs. I feel so disgrace for being distinct from other children and what others might think about me attitude refuses me to be easy always in streets and school and being unconcerned then it doesn’t mattered me more except few moments to be disgust.

I always avoid thinking back how life has been then struggling to go to school every day and mostly the thought of how to overcome the regret of people despite overviewed by students which sense me dislike and want to stop going to school and stay home to avoid fighting every day. Somehow I managed to complete certain class and thus I was later forced to a situation where I couldn’t concentration on anything, except how to manage the day without wetting trouser and falling down while reaching and leaving home.

I really don’t understand the seriousness of my problem until one day I see my parents coming out of the doctor’s clinic with tear eyes and the series of doctors been consulted couldn’t help me or my parent to console the grievance that I could depart certainly within a time. I couldn’t sense till somehow what an immense shatter it would be to break my parents hearts which I seen through their eyes and I always see their eyes to understand what they think or feel about and certainly there’s no end for their tears and the several treatment we had gone through doesn’t gave hand.

I could not say that all treatment haven’t support me a lot, but there are few treatments and equipments guided by doctors had hold me for some time and one among them had put me on calipers which supported me till a year aback. Over all the problem of Muscular Dystrophy was seen at a particular kind that was Duchenne, but only later we found that there are more than 44 types related to it and I was gladly to come under one category LGMD (limb-girdle muscular dystrophy) which is somehow a slow processor related to Duchenne which is more severe in this category.

Today I understand a lot about my problem and what kind of activates are better for good to add and bad to avoid. My problem is not very difficult to explain because its particular cause was loses of muscles strength and wherever there are muscles would lose it strength slowly towards quite loss of death and usually the lungs are main organs to disturbed often with infection and cold because of lack of resistance power, which I am suffering from lately. I know where my life leads so and I don’t worry about it right now since our life is inevitable and don’t know what will happen next moment. But I hope for a better future.

Things happens beside (pongal)

This year’s Pongal was something very simple and somehow boring until cousins came home. The thought to celebrate the festival in a traditional way never comes home easily unless I force to make it rather like the former year where rice boils to firewood under sun light and sugarcanes to hold either on the terrace, we loud Pongalo Pongal as soon the milk boils over.

Every year I wish that Pongal happens in a village and this year we went further to plan a trip to join a Pongal celebration in a village but by chance we missed the opportunity for some reason in traveling and even though I’m happy that at least we gave such concern to plan and hope next year we visit villages on Pongal festival. The festival went off usually how Chennaities celebrate it in there cooking vessels in kitchen and later watch television programs and go out the last day to conclude the festival which is known as Kaanum Pongal.

This year’s Pongal was something disastrous because of the deadliest accident happened in Kerala where more than 100 Ayappan devotes were killed due to the rollover of a jeep and following stampede in a hilly terrain. It was terrible to hear such an incident before yet to go into a festival mood and even it doesn’t much bothered here, its causes are sorrow. Unlike the obvious one above, one of my dears got into an accident and happened to fracture his wrist and even he’s not relatively close, I grown up by cutting my hairs from his hands since I remember.

What truly bother me was that within minutes he left our home finishing my hair cut he was hit by a share auto. I never saw a person like him, who never changed in his attitude and care for our entire family and closely associate with us since we began to practice. What touched me a lot was even in this condition with a fractured arm, he was thinks about my next hair cut which has a month time and there’re many barbershops in our neighbor and he employs many in his shops to serve and still he care for me is simply astonishing and such people are rare in this society.

He’s not alone a barber; he’s a finest Nadaswaram artist who performs for any rituals and temple festivals and there isn’t a function happen in our family certainly without his concert and we are not even to invite him, he understands and comes to play without an invitation and money comes next to him before us and anyone. I couldn’t say anything in front of things happen and I thought that moment what all his plans got disturbed because of his fracture and for a barber and who plays Nadaswaram the hands are very important and source of life and what he going to do having festivals at phase.

Beside these the festival days went off peaceful even there isn’t much happiness to cheers and experience to share, the last day went out on a brief ride on ECR and it was fun going along with cousins in car and chatting and teasing either. Everywhere it was congested on Kaanum pongal which is usual and to believe it was unusual to see so many people crowded the ECR till Mamallapuram. Yearly the counting just increases in crowd and never seems to reduce and it’s enchanting to see people crowded for happiness and fun! And I’m happy in sharing with you all.

A trail of my travel

The big temple in Thanjavur which mark the thousand years of it’s built shines to the sunset. Captured from my trip to tanjavur lately and it was a great structured to be remind and admire the beauty and grand architecture. It was my long time wish to visit thanjavur big temple and this time been celebrating its millennium year, I wished to mark my existence on its millennium year and thus happens this trip.

It was a weekdays journey we began on 18th Monday October and it was a planned travel to thanjavur, palani and kolli hills. It was partially wonderful and painful journey, because of my slightly down fall from wheels(chair) which disturbed the hand movement and pain still continues to strain me, but most of all it was an interesting and relaxed journey without much hustle and bustle.

Thanjavur which is said to be rice grain repository doesn’t showcase me much paddy fields or I didn’t went around the place to view more green fields, but it was good to see some vast paddy fields somewhere with no disturbance like pump sets or farm wells that interrupted like many other places and its almost irrigation is done by Kaveri river water that connect through canals.

We shared two places in thanjavur to stay and one was govt. guest house and the other was hotel lion city. The hotel room was in first floor and just been paid, my grandparents stayed there and we moved to guest house which was beautiful and nice. From there we move to palani, where my father wanted to go for sometime even we visited it when we (me and bro) were small kids, where we cried and fought in whom to go baldhead first.

We just went near the winch and I told my parents already that I am not gonna come to the hill temple, but they wished me to come, and canceled finally only knowing that taking me to the hill top is impossible since the winch is too small and stands slantingly. In meanwhile we went around the palani sometime and discover the places nearby and enjoyed by touching the foot hills of kodaikanal which is 12kms from palani. let we talk more about it sometime… little struggling to write more since the fall down aches remains in shoulder.

About kolli, it won’t be an easily forgettable place for me, if not for the many beautiful villages and terrace paddy fields and very calm and pleasant weather with little left over medical essence fragrance, it’s the pain and fear that cause by the sudden down fall from wheels. It’s a moment everything felt like emerge with fear and pain that wanna stop me progressing, but somehow I managed to quite the tour kolli hills thinking the worth climbing 70 hairpin bends. sigh

Silent tears

Never like before, I felt so distress because of an incident that happened on Monday. My heart struggles to beat for minutes listen to the desolate end of a cousin who hanged herself. Since childhood I like her a lot and wish to spent time with her and she’s very kind, lovable and softhearted person and never turned her inherent even then we aren’t familiar like before.

Nothing bothers me like her departure lately and even then I missed my grandma couple of years ago, who lived along with us, I couldn’t sense such intense alike her. I know my grandma’s departure was peaceful and intend to age and potential, but her expire is a tragedy and will hurt forever thinking about her. She know nor not I like her a lot and even then she wasn’t interested to talk or share with me I often think about her and care for her good sustain.

It was about 24 hours she left my home, where I met het at last and when she says the least words ‘bye jeevan’, I never thought it could be the last. My emotion might be decreased at least if I haven’t met her this closer hours and she was very casual as usual and watched my pictures slideshow on computer and being get-together as families thus were we gathered for a event at home on Sunday, it was fun and laughter Sunday where she shows no sign to attend suicide.

When I think those last hours I couldn’t believe her true expire and I truly tear for her now silently. I used to wonder sometimes how she forget those days and happiness shared together and either visiting our homes on vacations and when I think now it sense dumb. Who can’t understand or recollect the memories of her parents and dear ones love, desire, sacrifice and the worthless sum they brought for her and celebrating her childhood days, how can she commit suicide whatever reason perhaps she has to take this decision.

Still the reason remains mystery and I don’t want to think or say something, and keeping away the thing whatever it might be, I just wonder in anxious how she could take this decision and what force her more than her parents, who are very friendly I have ever seen. I sometimes wish to be alike them, and her parents – my uncle and aunt, are so energetic and cheerful the moment whenever we get together. They gave her much freedom to chose her carrier and she worked in varies cities under an IT company and lately her parents were looking for a bride-groom and while she took this decision.

I don’t know how my uncle and aunt are going to bear this and convey throughout their life. Especially I’m worrying a lot about our aunt, who I have never seen her much in tears and distress and she’s a easy go person and much cheerful. I’m always against suicide and think who we to perish our life and did we brought it to defeat. I can’t even imagine how painful she might gone through her departure and thinking about it feels scary and freaking.

Life flew away in minute we take wrong decision and then we are no were to feel and who suffers a lot is our parents and dear ones. I always keep this in mind and have come across such parents and I could understand there pain and generally I think always that my decisions should never disturb my parents. They are always and already suffering for me and even if they could, I can’t bear them seeing in distress and physically stressed.

In my view, what the only guilt she did the worst is committed suicide and what are we feel guilt ones is just nothing these days and we have grown in knowledge and realization that doing mistake is nature and related to sense and in need. Who haven’t commit mistake in this world and when it comes to realization and truth, it immerses into the ocean and flies away into the sky.

Whatever the problem in this world, we have a solution in some ways or just accepting the truth or fate and try to face the life it has for us. I too have so many wishes and problems alike others and I sense I have more than enough, but with my conscious, I seek to live in between these, accepting what is for me. I wonder how well I have observed the life and obvious about me, and do things with less knowledge and experience, and thus how come others with rich knowledge, education and transparent in mind and health act senseless and fail to get inspire from others.

When people like us with immobile willing to live, what cause these idiots to die in short temptation or whatever to say. I always wonder and in selfish, why these people can’t take inspire and get solace by having a best life than us. Sometimes I like to say those commit suicide are very selfish, thinking about themselves alone and keeping away those crave for them. Though we can’t totally blame her and even we come to know what cause her to do so and what disturbs her intend and fear, but still I argue that self immortal is stupid and I’m not sure how well I sustain this mind forever. Let’s leave it to future decision.

Life isn’t dedicated to a particular purpose alone and it has many things to do certain. Think I see life from a certain distance and never gone beyond my parents and thus perhaps I don’t know whether there’s something intend beyond that and think I’m at basement of life and many raised as a building to see life at distance. I have been growing around my parents intensely and know how important I’m to them and how well they’re to me. But every life is not same and the way they enjoy the freedom in mass differentiates there life and world they see.

Love is something that cause affection and parents are those give us without an intention and whereas no other relationship gives that intensive. I have seen few mothers in the past lost there children due to accident and what the life they live is simply deceive, but I will never put path for a debate, as I have no more to say and nothing could describe a mothers love and care towards her children. Think I’m going somewhere leave the matter and why I’m saying these because, who is going to suffer a lot after a child’s depart is the mother - apart wife, husband and children, and I don’t know what cause will console my aunt.

Whatever I say is nothing going to change anything and goes pause in silence. My cousin has chosen her solace from whatever disturbed her through departure and we’re seeking to get solace from whatever left behind her in memories. I feel deep regard from my heart to my aunt and uncle, and I wish to be there always to cause solace to keep them away from distress. Thank you!

உறவுகள் / Relations

கொண்டாட்டம் என்றால் கூடவரும் உறவுகள்
கஷ்டம் என்றால் கையை கட்டி நிற்கும்

ஊர்கோலம் என்றால் ஓடிவரும் உறவுகள்
உதவி என்றால் ஓரமாக நின்று வேடிக்கை பார்க்கும்

தனக்கென்றால் தலை நீட்டும் உறவுகள்
ஒரு சிறு வேலை என்றால் வேறாளை பார் என்னும்.

இன்றைய உறவுகள் அறிமுக நிலையில்
அறிவு வளர்ச்சியில் அறிந்து கொள்ளாமல் போனதால்.

தொலைந்து போன உறவுகள் நம் நினைவலையில்
நாம் உறவாடிக்கொண்டிருக்கிறோம் இன்று இணைவலையில்.

வாழும் பொது வராத, பார்க்காத, பழகாத உறவுகள்
இறந்த பின் வாடுவதும் உறவாடுவதும் ஏனோ?

வாழும் பொது காட்டாத அன்பும் ஆதரவும்
இறந்த பின் வரும் பண்பு மட்டும் ஏனோ?

வாழும் பொது வாழ்த்தாத இதயம்
இறந்த பின் வரும் கண்ணிர் மட்டும் ஏனோ?

Celebration means, come along relations
difficulty means, hands bind to stand

Merry go around means, run along relations
aid means, stand at the edge and look in amuse

For self means, head extending relations
a small work means, says to see some others

Today’s relations are in introducing stage
as we went unknowing in knowledge development

The lost relations are in our memory web
we’re practicing relationship today in internet web

Relations that don’t come saw and practice while living
what does in fading and practicing relationship after death?

Love and support that doesn’t show while living
what does the character that comes after death?

Heart that doesn’t wish while living
what does the tears that come after death?

A Bug vs. Bud

I am on treatment for a month long now to get cure the mucus clot in chest and there’re months to go still to get dissolve the clot. But now it seems like no more a matter except swallowing 8 tablets per day and again it was my mind that struggles to get clear unnecessary thoughts. I am trying hard to come out of some thoughts, but still I’m being touch with it in some ways.

I’m going through some symptoms lately and now, though they aren’t certainly to be serious and pass like clouds, still somehow I worry in a force. I just want to blog and be active here alike back and sit before the computer, but nothing comes to mind and couldn’t get interest to read or write, and so I move away. At least I just want to post some pictures, but even that could not be done. I’m much worry these days will I lose my ability to be here and I forced a lot myself now to write something here.

In between last week a black bug or beetle went inside my ear bud at mid 2.30 am! I sense like a bug goes inside the ear and before I wake up my dad it went inside and began to buzz or grind, which makes me annoy a lot. We put slide, buds to throw it out, but it refused to come out and kept buzzing inside and besides creating pain and irritation.

Don’t know what to do and the pain was heavy, so decided to go to the near by hospital and checking out couple of hospitals with no doctors and almost closed, the other one was opened with a sleeping doctor. Since it was a 24 hours hospital, the doctor waked up from his sleep and attended my ear. Putting me lay on the cot and switching on the focus light, he tried with small scissors to bring it out and being aware about the bud tone and a non-ENT, he at last tried by splashing water inside the bud and the bug slowly came out and my bro standing beside suddenly take it out.

I thought it was a small one and will come out easily, but only seeing it size we realize our mistake. It was a mid size one in near 2 cm. and seems it has harmed my ear bud. To avoid further harm doctor put an anti septic injection and it was the first time in more than a decade I was injected a medicine. It was disturbing me for couple of days and now fines enough. But mind still at constant pace of worries and might take sometime to be normal and hope to continue reading your blogs soon. Take care. Hugs

Life these days

I had a very bad throat these days which reflects in splitting blood put me in scare again. Though it continues for few days, I was so much worried and feared about my stage, but it was my family and doctor who gave me courage and comfort to be. Since everyone says it’s because of heat and throat infection, I was thinking beyond and wanted to test something related to splitting blood, so went ahead of complete blood and urine test, which comes out in normal, but found cholesterol little more than normal in blood.

Doctor says nothing to worry about it and little restriction on certain things could put in control. It was really a hard time for me to think something out of my health condition; a lot of things have changed in my life these days and all my interest were stopped sometime. It’s more than a week I spent time on online and blogging, I was occupied by television and doing nothing than simply sitting and splitting; and in evening sitting outside and breathing little fresh air.

The climate is so badly changed and I think it could be one of the causes that affect my throat and I was advice to drink lot of water, but still the heat is unbearable. The nights are badly affected and I go through much trouble these days to sleep, but I think these could pass easily as I feel like returning to normal. The breathing exercise helps me a lot in reducing cough and pressure of splitting, and I well realized the importance of breathing exercise more than before now. But still the trouble stays with my throat while reading, talking or even being simple.

I was in state of feeling alone these days, and I really wish to be with people a lot and I realize it now, how importance and comfort it was being with people esp. our loved ones. This mood comes often when we’re sick and it brings a great distress to mind and for this I spend sometime outside home looking at people and movements around the apartment complex and the evenings are much better than days as we get some cool breeze after sunset.

I wish to get well quite soon before my favorite festival deepavali and I like a lot this festival that falls on 17th oct. Watching and leaving fireworks on this days could never hide from me inside and even it does little injure to environment I couldn’t resist fireworks and I enjoy a lot watching it.

Immense pain

I listen to a voice that speaks heart
and whisper teardrops,
right now in memories of her son

I listen to her silence that says sorry
and immersed in teardrops
that’s merging herself into her son

I look into her eyes that I imagined
and those pretty eyes disclose
a world without sun, alike her son

I look into her mind where her son buried
and ever since he born
she embraces him in hands and mind

I wish peace for her, indeed
who lives a source of life
in memories of her only soul son!

To mom, who quite disturbed and loved to be in memories of Karthik anna (bro).

School time

Those are pleasant moments in memories now, but it never seen to be real in my life. It’s almost an intense eternal struggle I have gone through various moments in school time. Even thought been an average student it never bothers me like the troublesome gestures I had gone through every day in my school times. While looking into the early moments of a school lately in kodaikanal for couple of days, I can’t avoid the thought of unwanted morning hour rush to school in those days. Many a times dad would drop us in school in his bike and along with mom, but they would leave me alone at the entrance of campus, since parents aren’t allowed inside. They know or not, it was something like again waking on wire until reaching my class. Till 5th std all my classes were at first floor and the intense struggle was climbing in steps and walk past the sand ground and slippery pathway, keeping every pace at cautious.

This might sound simple, but it isn’t that much while caring a fully loaded bag at back and even not. I always wanted to be earlier to school, not that I like more studying or to spare times with friends, but to go before prayer bell rings, so that I could reach my class before students rush for prayer or the way they stand in line to disturb me climbing. In days later when I struggle more to climb steps, the situation seems worst to describe and I felt such disgrace and annoyance in the way students look and ridicule passing while. It isn’t easily to climb steps twice in morning – one for keeping bags and one after prayer, until I get permission from principal to stay in class avoiding the difficulties of attending prayers. But that doesn’t make any big difference in my struggle, and thus it sustains for a year and then I was stopped going for school.

After a year break I went to another school, where I was offered with classes at ground floor and so I joined 6th. This wasn’t that much difficult for me going to school, since the students and teachers are very helpful and allowed my parents to drop and pick up from class itself. The school would begin at 8.30am and only after leaving me at school, mom and dad will go home and get ready my bro for his 9am school and then dad will lead for his 10.clock office. Being special, there’s no restriction for me, even I go late or skip Saturday classes – which I never attended, but I never take it as my advantage unless impossible. Those days, my every day caution and fear would be on ‘I should not fall down’. The hard time in all is crossing the sand ground, and wearing shoes I feel very difficult to move and mom in one hand caring my bag and helping me without falling is the distress we only know.

Mostly the class rooms would be closed till principle arrives; and thus mom would make me sat on a table and leave home. After prayer, the rooms are opened and been settled, my dear class mates will come and help me reaching our class. Like no were ever, I only get to realize what friendship means from them and sometimes the school servants will help me. I really think now what disturbs my concentration from studies is because I think more about my inevitable situation and sustain. Watching the morning activates of this school (check picture) from far away, keeps me occupying the thought about my school days and I wonder looking at those students running here and there, doing all sorts of activities like bustle bees.

From every direction the students kept flowing into the school and many in uniform and color dresses and wearing sweaters, stands together for prayer in the little space available in front of a metal sheet roof class. The students arrives even after ½ an hours school began to run, and those comes after prayer are get to scold by teachers and few are even forced to stand on knee for sometime, as usual every school does. It seems like a private school run by the nearby church and it’s up to primary class. Leaving few, many students use the shortcut routes by jumping small walls, using single foot paths and certain pace on slopes without little scare to reach the school, and it simple strikes. As soon the interval bell rings, the students come out of the class and runs here and there, catching each other and plays in the confined place. But I can’t watch the whole day episode; hence we had to move to visit other places in kodai.

The cottage we stayed had a terrace and from there the views are wonderful and thus this school was obvious from there. Except nights, I always sat on the open terrace watching the happening around the place and clouds passing on hills and our breakfasts are also on the terrace, got chance to watch the school’s activities.

Inadequate to sustain

Life is like walking on a wire and its tough balancing without falling down either. Alike, my life could be easily compared with those walking on a string to adequate there life partly. Many a time I have seen in amuse at people waking on a string that tied between two sticks on road sides, but never realized it like lately when I face something similarly on surface to sustain pace. I’m trying my best to do better performance at paces but I’m inadequate with energy and strength to put few more steps, and what I like to express can’t be understood by anyone and my conflict is nothing concern them. I know I’m not to expect to address my conflict often and it might irritate anyone, thus my problem is unnoticed or unconcerned. I’m not looking for sympathy, but I need my anxious to be addressed and I’m not a human to sustain constant at anyone’s instant.

There’re people who suffers more than myself in this world, but still I’m a normal being to think my trouble is the precious. Gradually I sense my world is shrinking and I’m trying to expand it deliberately, but none know what’s happening with me and still keeps thinking in belief that I’m constant and sustain forever. I can’t even tear drops and just don’t want to say something to make someone feel emphasis, reflects myself in stress. I could sense a lot of difference and difficult in my every activity lately, but I can’t do anything to keep sustain except my exercise, since the disorder was such essence, I solace myself to accept whatever comes my way and I still believe to live my life’s full phase. You know I love a lot to live and even thought I sense sometime selfish, I think why I should feel when my self wasn’t good and it was humans right to live to make significant the birth.

To say certainly, my blog world isn’t set apart from this inadequate sustain and therefore I can’t be alike before here. Right moment both my reading and writing(typing) became slow and continuing so, takes much time to adequate either and at same time every other activity instantly struggle, I work hard a lot to keep in touch with every other sustain. Its not long back that I would finish a book less than 5-6 month, to the maximum pages of 600, but these days its impossible and I was interested in reading to extend my existence, and it faces hard time these days, but still I hope to adequate and keep it constant beyond disbelief. There’re few things that sustain me, hence reading and writing occupies me more.

Ones I used to type well and it helped me to work with a publication and for some reason I dropped doing it. Later when the publication contacted me again and even some other offers comes my way, I wasn’t able to replay thus I’m not sustain the way I was then and lately I sense more diminish. I just need no sympathy here or wherever, but my struggle has to be addressed and my position to be recognized for being inconstant, and if not here where am I going express my sense and desire. These days I really think those alike me had to be brought to worlds view and thus people could obvious us, and what we live is no mans imagination and we aren’t the normal disables. We’re coved by dark shadows and only profound torches of thoughts and emotions could find us where many bright hearts and thoughts shine in between struggle. Will the world listen to us and recognize, when our dear and near ones can’t?

Let’s hope – the only thing to say

I don’t think anything much into seriously, but I can’t avoid thinking about the situation in Sri Lanka. I don’t feel regret for those searched there end, but to the innocent people brutally killed and those left in struggle to survive after conflict. While getting to bed last night, I shared my distress with dad that we’re comfortably sleeping here on bed, switched on to a/c to welfare; but there our fellow beings, in temporary shelters under threaten, suffering to injure with no basic facilities to relief pain and hearts without solace missing dear ones.

The contradictory information through media makes the situation uncertain and we have no other way than to believe whatever the Sri Lankan govt. says and promise on giving relief to the people affected by war and resettle them were they belong, within 6 months and creating equal rights soon. But still the true situation after conflict is not clearly defined; and what bothers me much is does war really end and like some people says that still army target innocent Tamils after clearing the terrorists?

I wonder sometime do Sri Lankan people have ever worried about the war in their soil where thousands of innocent Tamils killed brutally. I agree their celebration for the death of LTTE chief, who was a big threaten to there lives but I also condemn their celebration, because it hurts to see them celebrating where thousands of innocent people killed and still suffer to get them freedom from terrorism. The Lankan words gives hope to ears that all evils are cleared and there was a course of action on restoration and giving back their rights, but it hardly touches the heart to get solace.

Now we need to know what’s happening on the late war front zones and how people are treated at displacement camps, and it seems journalists are denied to report and capture the true situation. It’s important to know what causes our patient and pain these days exist for and what the bloodsheds worth being? I wish at least now let the army be human and serve ‘Tamil’ people with dignity towards any cause that brings comfort and peace. Sure it’s an easy thing to say from here, having the right to express and comfort of living, but we can’t even stand from there. At least we can try to understand from them, what’s being struggled to live and survive from an uncertain circumstance means.

Ban warned ‘history could repeat itself’ if the grievance of Tamils weren’t addressed.

Physically mentally

smiling doll from our dashboard

Listening to advice is for better, but when it goes overdose it irritates. Some people could not understand from what I am suffering from truly, even I try to explain they never believe unusual in nature and hang on a branch and says everything is same. Yes, I am same human being with invisible lose of strength and those who come upon treating my disease says I have no problem, just by regular practice and exercise I can recover since I am inactive; and says without knowing how I became inactive.

Without going around I come to matter; I just get mood out often lately because of this person I meet regularly at home. I don’t feet regret writing about him, even if it comes to his notice in future; he is none other than my acupressure therapist. He is attending me since November; and from then on he keep on pressing me to do more exercise to recover soon, but more than him I aware about my condition. Does someone really wish not to walk and avoid doing his daily activities of living? It’s such obvious I wonder why he could not or try to understand. He says he hopes recovery in me soon and too says that’s only in my hand. I want to ask him, then why do you? But I keep silence because he makes balance the absence of Physiotherapist and some worth exercise to maintain activities.

The disease Muscular dystrophy is a case to keep in touch with activities to maintain balance as much possible. It needs exercise to keep away falling illness and lose of muscle strength, and at same time doing more exercise and get stress witness in lose of muscle strength. Some of those experience there life with MD says, they feel downfall more than usual when doing exercise, and even doctors says to do exercise but not more. Anyone can say thoughts and examples to make me courage, but it only strengths my mind and not body. How can I hope I can walk again and be normal like others knowing well about my disease and do they want me to fall into depress and distress thinking about my position alike before? No I don’t want to get into trouble again and lose my peace. I want to stop those teach me about the stress I am giving to others, and they are just looking inside my life, but I am living and I am not insensitive to not understand others. Who switch on the lights to see my eyes dissolved in tears at nights? Who listen to my heart’s solo beats into misery? Who understand my desires that buried within my conscious? None knows quite about me. I am a person smiling before lights, keeping behind the dark shadows that make me sad.

I wonder sometime what makes me stop from being normal and more than science, it’s a mystery the world struggles to disclose a cure. There could be a way unearthed, as someone says, but I can’t fall under anyone’s idea to get weaker and give up my life today for inevitable future. I know until I stand on my feet, life will remain easier tough and for someone’s belief I can’t lose my ability now.

ஏய் கடலே / Hai u Sea

கடலே, நீ ஒரு முறை எட்டிபார்த்ததில்
நாங்கள் நிலை குலைந்து போனோம்
உன் அமைதி சூழ்ச்சி அறியாமல்
அலையில் சிக்கிக்கொண்டோம்

புலி பதுங்குவது பாய்வற்கே
ஆனால் உன் பின்நோக்கம் அறியாமல் திகைத்து நின்றோம்
சற்றும் தாமதமின்றி
நீ முந்தி கொன்று தின்றாய்

உன் அலைகள் தொட்டு சென்றதில்
பாதங்கள் இதமாகவும் ஈரமாகவும் உணர்ந்தன
நீ வெட்டருவா கணக்கா வெட்டினதில்
தண்ணிரும் தவலையுமாக செத்து மிதந்தன

நீ ஒவ்வொரு முறையும் உயர எமும்பொழுது
நாங்கள் தயக்கத்துடன் பின் நடந்தோம்
அந்த ஆழிப்பேரலையின்
அழியா நினைவுகளை சுமந்த படி

கடலே உன் ரசிகன் நான்
உன் சுயரூபம் அறிந்தவன் தான்
நீ விதைத்த மீன்களை சுவைப்பவன் நான்
உன்னை கண்டு பயந்தவன் தான், நான்!

Translation in English follows:

Sea, only ones you over see
we dislocate to go
ignoring your silent cunning
we entrapped into waves

Crouching Tiger is to rush
but we astonish in unaware your back intention
least without delaying
you advance killed to eat

In your waves touched to go
foot sense to wet and welfare
in your cut sickle amount of split
like water and frog, die to float

Every time u rise highly
in hesitate we walked back
with that sea billows
eternal memories to bear by

Sea, I am your fan
I aware your self form then
I relish your sowing fishes
frighten to view u then, me!

# Unforgettable December 26, 2004

Strike before it bites

Terrorist strikes in Mumbai :( what can we do is just sympathetic than nothing. Every time we condemn the incident and I to express that we need union between people, but what’s wrong is not in our hands. I think often is there any other punishment to those take another lives than sentence to death, but I feel if they truly realize there harm to others would get the lifetime punishment in lack of peace and happiness. Could that possible with terrorist or some other anti-social people? Definitely the answer can be no or hardly impossible. I see they are built up structures to harm, where constructor are hidden somewhere; the operations done by them remotes operates by someone.

India is peace loving country, harmless to anyone and we follow not to be an eye to eye person? Even in these qualities of people there lives another little species, the mosquitoes. In my views they remains the reason how terror strikes are happening even there are tight security. In our everyday lives these small species threat us with bites, which disturbs the slumber at nights and in wet seasons, so we make prepare ourselves with mosquito nets and repellent to keep ourselves safe from bite and vexation. Even though some mosquitoes enters to make annoy our peace slumber, like that however we protect ourselves with defense and three difference security forces there are few entry of terrorism happens occasionally. Even then we try to find out which passage is available to mosquitoes and make tight package against there entry, as well we might tighten our security after the terrorist enter into territory to create violence and then we to give importance. In the run over times after which gets to normalcy we reduce the security and look blank without any idea from which side the terror strikes.

Whoever, when the mosquitoes to bite won’t we protect and hit before it bite or just leave it to bite and go? Whomever, we aren’t exception in this, does we? The terrorism is like that, we can’t show kindness towards them when knowing they are born to injure. When the bloody violence getting stage we are speechless and idle to express our strong condolence and anger. We don’t know how the government going to deal with terrorism in future, but our entire wish could be no terrorism in any territory around the world.

The picture of mosquito was taken today morning with macro shot when it falls down after a short circuit with power bad.

Life unlike more

Life is just like that, love and cares are lack of veracity according to some! Few disclose there true mind sometimes, thus how well they understood the importance of close relationship and life. I could not feel how some people are senseless to not value a life such have same feelings and wish to live. Sudden lose of lives is happen to be a fall of leaf that later nothing related to the tree after it’s depart, so as a couple of incidents I come to know make me feel what the difference tree and leaves to human and relationship. Any problem in family could be solved, if not, that’s not mean to forget a relationship or goodbye to the member of a family. In the two incidents I see the problems between family relationships are dared to give up the loved ones without realizing the importance and feeling of those. Though both are uncommon and the good will process is failed to give significant and make worse the situation which happens to be a positive aspect.

I came to know one of our distance relatives’ son is missing for a month now. I don’t have much practice with him, thus I know him for long time through my uncle’s family as he was very close with them, because he was my aunt’s nephew. He lost his mother when in age he can’t understand the lose and then his dad remarried to his own aunt to take care him, as she is his own mother’s sister so that she may love and heed more. But unlike they think he didn’t get much affection and care from his aunt and after her own children he faces lack of affection and attention which turn anger and in anguish his path changed direction. His only support where the grandparent’s and father who rarely pay attention is profession to sculpture so he put him back in craving, thus this work gave him abdomen problems and though he was a cardiac patient by birth get operate recently and more his familiarity created incidents in relationships and in this situation he got missed or away in distress.

What really bothers me here is the care the family got on his disappearance. There was indifference in my uncle’s expression, because they know the information only two weeks back and he enquired directly to there home to know the worse they not even much bother in seek of him. When asked his father, he expressed nothing and ashamed to complain in police of his disappearance and in such incidents rumors are like easily spreading disease adds more puzzle to the situation that he ran along with a girl! In calculating this, more than to care, his father the only person to response is just like that to felt nothing in his hand and what admits is fate! In no certainty what really happen to him, how come these people believe in rumors, but not their son. Thinking on this I could not stop to surprise and wonder what the relationships are! Whatever he may wasn’t he a survivor and son to a father. I thought what if his mother to be alive would she left him alike. To a mother whatever her son to be misfortune or negative in character she cares truly to anything in world. Even people are kind towards animals and care for there survival, such things testify the human trusties and reflector.

My aunt and uncle are so upset because of this, as he only shares with them and they can’t do nothing than enquire at all places and make there well knows to let them know any information comes according or have see him somewhere.

Above one was opposed to what I suppose to come. In that case it was about lost, here the incident is of well known lose. Damn I feel unhappy knowing the incident, that a relationship is touched as a side dish and later the food becomes contrary even side dish get to wastage. I see how a flower before blooming is picked at its bud and thrown back to its belonging where it can’t be fixed again or into usage. I like to mention the flower here is a 3-4 year old girl child, what I try to sense the mind of her, a very difficult task to even think and felt how some are bold enough to hurt the child. Coming to the incident, it’s about one of my old neighbor’s daughter who married to be not conceiving for 4 long years adopted a child in months, to make a welcoming moving and a good concern too went all along until recently. By this time the child was 4 years, receives more affection in their family and they celebrated the child as a wonderful gift makes everyone including me to wonder at there acceptance and rejoice the uncommon relation.

I truly applaud people who accept the adoption in life, thus such executions fulfills the parentless children there rights for craving and disappointment or show them we are here to embrace. Even I spend nothing than from my dad’s pocket, I show direction to those parentless children who want to help in worth and peace. I think often at moments getting something above me deserve or desire, the thoughts come across these children who have no parents to ask or express there needs than to accept what is given. If not my parent’s where do I stand is unimaginable, but mind getting stronger in anxious to think no one to care in future where my end is! To be a parentless there courage could bring them up, but for those only with mind and no action? The option is thinking and understanding can only be the answer.

Back to incident, the parent’s who adopt the child is now diverse of anything reason, the child is back to orphanage or somewhere no idea, the women is living individual now. She works somewhere and stays with parent home – mean to our next native home, practices indifference with what the well-known could think of the child whom they introduced and make familiar with neighbors. Though we can’t be worriless, may be they could because it was a choice in there life choosing a child does not make difference to survive with them. I have a question if it was there own child will they make the same decision? They got the priceless in the world, where they lost somewhere in no cost, but what bothers the child could be lots of pain and suffer certainly. Knowing this I have no words to explain, what I witness then is lose of sight and to think is deceive right now.

‘If we desire for a fish and in some situation the pond is collapse, it’s the same desire could renovate the pond to give life a fish.’ When it’s not a desire and only the decision towards anything to show absolutely and time comes the rain wash away the true or lie to displace. There was another couple I know, who really cares for their adopted child and I see true craving for a child after so long patience and I visible the wise behind there decision. First, ones relationship should be smooth, so that any lives or things pass in pleasure and secure. And if we are enough to accept any life similar to us, is not life just like that and unlike more.