Friday, December 21, 2018

An expression of distress

Dad is doing well after the stenting and no breathing difficulties anymore but he’s continues to stay in rest for few more weeks to get back to his regular activities. Thought it feel everything is normal I couldn’t take it easy with my life. I don’t know how to describe or put it in words the pressure I go through internal and it has no business with dad’s health and he’s alright. Like all, I dislike certain things or want to maintain a distance from people whose activities I don’t like or not suit my lifestyle which including my parents. But now life forced me to walk through those which I don’t know is how to unveil. Sometime people are fair and kind, and at next moment breakdown everything to make feel disdain and bad and we can’t blame them for that if that could be their nature, I would stay away, but when it bothers were just going behind them in sake of life. It’s a struggle purely to answer the conscience when accepting assistance physically and mentally couldn’t go through the all. I never thought life would shrink all of sudden when I wasn’t ready or even read the book of my future tense. I know I need to handle this really and I was in the process of planning my future and executing in bits manner but this huge skip is unexpected. This is my second huge leap after the femur fracture in 2013 that put me years ahead into the future, what I have dreamt was only average.

As I have told in my earlier posts, I, mom and dad were like a cycle where any part of the wheel gets an affect the entire cycle will face the challenge. So far I haven’t been to expect somebody to aid me on everyday activities and nature calls, rather occasional; my parents continues to be my saver to drive me all this while and I’m certain they will do it until we’re alive, but I do know I’m in need to look after by someone when they can’t physically support me. Though I know well I need to adjust with life and accept the changes and I too believe this isn’t permanent and I need to find a way if things haven’t change for better. I’m someone who couldn’t stand with people who easily change their mind-set and belief from time to time and draw a rule that frequently turn on and off. It may sound weird but sometime need to believe such people do exists and dealing with them is not easier. It isn’t a problem when taking things physically challenged, but I’m not an insane to feel about anything or insensible to the atrocities happening around me. Perhaps if I was a normal being I could have easily skipped or try to turn down or better, but being a dependent I’m limited and was forced to take things at teeth bite. I don’t know could you understand what I say, but still no problem at least I able to express something here and let you know something disturbing me lot.


Sandi said...

I understand what you are saying, Jeevan. But things have a way of working out. I believe in divine providence, so I am praying for God to send you, specifically you, helpers who are the kind of people you can trust, with personalities like yours. But that is for the future...right now I pray for healing in your family and for your father and for miracles to happen.

carol l mckenna said...

Always good to express your self ~ it is not easier to have to depend on people for own primary needs ~ Aging does that to most people but you, dear one, have had to experience too young ~ Let out the negative feelings and question and then move on being your beautiful creative self ~ You are a precious 'child of the universe...' ~ Thanks for being you and sharing your feelings.

Happy Holidays to you, ~ if you celebrate ~ if not Happy Day to you ^_^
A ShutterBug Explores,
aka (A Creative Harbor)

bill burke said...

I understand what you are saying and Sandi is right. Things have a way of working out and they will for you too. I had been in a situation where I had to ask for help and that is one thing I felt very uncomfortable doing but I learned how to ask and not feel bad about myself. It was still hard but my situation started to change and I learned a valuable lesson. We all need help sometime in our lives. We can't a;ways do it by ourselves. I hope everything improves for you.

eileeninmd said...


I think things will work out for you. I think as you get older, you still want your independence and life to remain the same. It hard for many people to ask for help, especially when they do not want help. I hope things get easier for you. I wish peace and good health for you and your Dad.

Nancy Chan said...

Sometimes things can be tough for someone in your position. It is good to try to open up and share your inner feelings. For things that are out of our control, we can only leave it in God's hands. Somehow things will work out for the better even though we may not see it now. Meanwhile, enjoy the people you love and not dwell too much on the negative things. I hope you are feeling much better now. Best wishes to you and a speedy recovery for your dad.

GreenComotion said...

All things are temporary, including the painful bits.
Hang in there.
You are a beautiful being.
Spread your love.

Kirtivasan Ganesan said...

It's all temporary. Be motivated. Be brave.
My good wishes continue. My prayers continue.