Nothing but a little regret!

It was a tunnel called the parental, and there was no light beyond it. No one knows much about me other than a concern, or I don't know that I haven't shown much of myself to anyone curious about the person I am or me. 

Aside from the primary feeling that life will be unbearably difficult without my parents, I worry about how understanding the people around me are. I don't travel far, but within my home and the extended family, beyond my mother and father, there is no awareness of me. 

People see me in my wheelchair all day, but I wonder what they think of me when I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.  Life isn't pleasant sitting in a wheelchair all day, but it is comfort compared to other obstacles such as attending nature calls, bathing, eating, sleeping, and other essential daily demands. I'm just thankful I have an electric wheelchair to get around on my own; otherwise, life would be difficult and timid. 

I just realized that, aside from my parents, the people around me don't know how to handle me unless I guide them. Still, the important thing is that they lack patience (which is a risk factor when dealing with me), and despite living nearby and seeing me daily, they lack the basic knowledge to assist me. They help us simply because we call them, rather than acting in their self-interest.

I was recently emotionally injured, albeit not directly affected, and I am positive it was related to my issue. I often felt like causing problems for someone because of how they behaved or acted hastily. 

It's a blessing and a curse at the same time that I can read the expressions on my loved ones' faces, perhaps because I notice details; even little changes don't escape my attention; the tone and, most of the time, their eyes reveal their intent while their lips go mute or overtalk. 

It all started in 2019 when my father had an angioplasty and stents placed. He had been cautioned not to lift weights, so he no longer lifted me for any position-changing activities. Since then, my brother and cousin have been assisting me with this, and we have only lately employed an assistant to help my parents place me in the bath and toilet. 

We had an assistant at the beginning of 2019, but he only came for one day; when he lifted me, I tore a ligament in my shoulder. We didn't look for anyone after that, but now that I couldn't bear the hardships we caused them, or at least lessen the burden, we seriously looked for a caretaker and got a nice guy through my physiotherapist. He works as an assistant radiologist in an ortho clinic, taking x-rays, and he agreed to assist me on the side.

Everything is going smoothly till now, and my heart also feels light that I won't bother my loved ones too much. Although I know they don't deny helping me at any time when we call, and I want to emphasize "just when we call," they are aware of how much I rely on them, but until we call, they don't reply or ask on their own and sometimes have to compel when they are out somewhere. It's difficult to do justice because they aren't obligated to answer, but I'm grateful for the unconditional help, which is impossible if they don't love me.   And I'm glad that, despite their apathy, they continue to help me, even though I'm upset that they do so without knowing anything about how things work for me!