Oct 17

Like how a wound may heal but not the scar. Three years had passed since I got fracture in leg but the scar continues to bother me invisibly and indirectly. No, I have no issues with the fractured leg but the loss of the ability to stand has affected me at various levels. I really don’t want to think about the ever painful days of my life and passing each day had been an eon then until the fracture healed and knee become flexible. My inability to stand affected my travel a lot and I am depended beyond my parents to put me into the car and having an SUV it’s quite difficult. Thought I’m looking forward for a remedy by exchanging our car, the inability to stand put me down on other sides too.

I believe it’s perhaps because of the loss of the standing position I experience scoliosis, due to sitting most of the day time unlike early where I used to stand for few ministers daily when transferred from once place to another. I know even if I continued to stand the scoliosis is unavoidable at later stage of muscular dystrophy, so I would say the fracture has brought steps forward reaching this position early. In last three years my travel has come down with limited distance travel and access and transferring becomes easy only with two people at aid. Many of my plans were shattered in few seconds of that slip between the bath stool and wheelchair, and the unexpected incident had made my life very difficult in many ways. I started to use traction belt for my pelvic pain and scoliosis, daily for an hour and I’m still looking for a lateral support for my curvature.

A small update

For last two weeks am going through neck and shoulder pain, and couple of times I was forced to take Paracetamol when it becomes intense. I had no sprain what I thought initially and took medicine but I felt much better for few days after taking tablets. But I wasn’t fine like I thought about and I started to feel much pain and visited the doctor who prescribed me the same and a gel to apply on the painful area. Once again I felt much better till the dosage power exists, though the pain wasn’t sever alike before I keep away from things that strain my neck and shoulder. My physiotherapist says this is perhaps spasm due to incorrect positioning on bed or working on laptop. I usually work on the laptop by placing it on the wheelchair tray and reading also happens by the same which means I have to look only down mostly and that could have stiffen or weaken the muscles to feel  painful.

My therapist advised me not to use the laptop for long time and also reading by only placing the papers/book high where staring is straight rather bending down the neck. I have reduced the usage of whatever gives me strain and also with limited time spent on laptop. I have bought a wireless keyboard/mouse and started to use it by placing the laptop on a high setting to keep the position straight. Though I finding little difficult with this change, as I have been practiced with laptop for last five year, adapting to the old desktop setting isn’t easy but I hope to become familiar with this soon. In laptop my hands action is limited to easily operate/communicate but with this I really need some time to adjust. And I wasn’t concern on anything for some time now to keep me away from blogging and I really want to write more and I have plenty of photos to share… but I wasn’t comfort to do it right now and that not mean I recede, I hope to come back with a bang.

Me and MRI

I never thought or imagined an MRI (scan) could be such torture!  I took an MRI for the whole spine yesterday to study the course of my scoliosis and to clarify the discomfort I am going through in the lower abdomen, for last few days. I have taken CT scans earlier and I was thinking MRI would be similar to it, and could be taken in few minutes, but the first dismay came when I learn that no wheelchair or stretcher is allowed inside the scanner room. The MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) machine seems to have a gravity to pull metal things and so I have to leave the wheelchair outside and my brother lifted me and lay on the scanner. Unexpectedly a coin from his pocket was pulled into the machine and only then I understand the magnetic attraction the machine holds. 

Before they put into the machine made sure that no metal is attached to the body and also no polyester is worn. They cover the face with a mask like thing and the head was tightly tapped to the sides to prevent moment. I could manage these things and lying for 45 minutes and motionless isn’t that stressful but the sounds that raises from the machine make me tensed.  The machine develops different constant beats that enough to create headaches to feel terrific. I just want to shout to stop these and discontinue the exam, but tried to be patient and bring peace of mind. I closed my eyes almost the scanning period perhaps to keep away my scare and being tensed. Glad there wasn’t anything difficult at breathe and mom sitting at a corner of the room gives me little comfort, though any moment is banned inside the rooms during the process.

Out of my control, I was praying for the moment to come to an end.  It was pretty cool inside the room and I was trying not to shiver and it was great sigh of relief when I hear the door was opened and pulling out of the machine my first question at the diagnostic person was is it finished? The technology has developed a lot and I wonder why anyone didn’t find a way to keep away the terrific resounding of this MRI.  I felt like I would never go for an MRI again but I should be glad that I unaware about this process until experienced myself to keep away the pre-tense. Except few remarks on scoliosis and lordosis the report has comes out almost normal! Looking forward to check with the doctor tonight and I am feeling slightly pain in the abdomen lately, hope all is well soon.  

Grandfather passed away…

The year had end for us with greater destruction and sorrow sent down to heart. Missing someone who’s dear, when we’re looking forward with hope and improvement in health is something painful to bear.  Although my grandfather wasn’t well for last few months, he continue to show hope through his little gestures and when the force inside him decides to stop, no one could do anything and at least he exhale at peace (just like his desire to go home) is consoling. As you all know my grandfather has been with us until three months back, though it was for a short term, the time spent with him and grandmother was precious and never going to replace anything. He’s someone great at expressing through his eyes and I always see a yearning in his eyes for me. His affection and care is something very special for me and is always evident through his eyes. Though he couldn’t’ speak more and make gestures easily, I understand him quite well (I guess) but I can’t explain how much I loved him and mean to me. He’s been our great well-wisher and what and where we are today is only because of his chief intention and selfless being provided us so many advantages in life.

With my grandparents, during one of our traveling to Valparai

He had been a hard worker and active being until he decides to retire from his dairy business. But what brought him more down was the demise of my uncle in 2001 and just being idle draws greater setback at his health and a cardiac arrest in later years and expose to Parkinson’s put him out of action. We never expected him to become so infirmity as early as 70s (though he died at the age of about 77), while many older than him were progressing well. I’m one of his concerns to feel regret and many a time he had felt sorrow for my state of unable. Though the memories of him are immense and certain things are impossible to forget, and during the days of school, he used to pick me in his bicycle if I received none. Putting the bags on the handlebar, he used to pedal me to home taking on pillion since my latter school was nearby his house. In later days he used to drive me daily to a clinic in T. Nagar here, where I took Ayurveda treatment for some time. Driving through the heavy morning traffic is a true venture in his way of driving, and he managed it only because of the eagerness to see me as a normal being.

He had scolded me and also embraced at same, as he always had a special attention towards me. Until 2012 he had been traveled with me for many places, as I love doing so, he and granny had been great companions for us and moreover I enjoyed taking them along and I also thought they deserve going out, as they spent most of their lifetime for others comfort and prevented to be outside. Though his bad health condition is the cause for his loss of life, he has been emotionally disturbed by others or changes in their attitudes, forgetting whatever he had done and just for the brief of ego and updating their fake statues, made him feel anguished. If there’s something to exhibit purity, I think grandparents love and affection has a large space to accommodate. What the old age people anticipate from their children, as well as the grand ones was to make feel comfort, which I think, exists only by reflecting what we receive from them and that happens through sharing. Though my grandpa’s demise left a deep sadness and hollow in our lives, the consoling thing was that we had been around him and also got to spent time back at home (when he was staying with us) before the unexpected blow.

I know he lived a content life and his death was also peaceful and concluded without pain. But grandma’s state really makes us all worry. She has broken down quite when let know grandfather is no more and also become fragile weeping all the time from the moment doctor declared his death. Grandfather got a severe heart attack on 30^th night and become unconscious when transferring to hospital where they told he has died on the way or at home. After years I visited my grandparent’s house to pay my respect for the grandfather, who was kept at his newly built home, which was constructed mainly for his comfort of living and grandparent’s moved to this house only 3 months back. Grandma couldn’t console the loss and the struggles she took to make certain he’s well and his needs are addressed to become nothing now make her feel lost. I don’t know how to console her and seeing me she burst into emotions as she knew how much I love him and they petted me. Wondering what would have been filled in his mind during the last moment of breath, which I believe, perhaps, how granny going to accept his destiny? I know it’s impossible to anticipate feeling better soon from granny, but I do hope she come up from his loss and lead her remaining life at peace in the embrace of his dear ones like us. 

துயரம் / Misery

கண்கள் வழியே  கசிந்து சென்றது

துயரம்! கண்ணீர்ராக.

Through the eyes leaks

Misery! As tears 

Memories of Tsunami

Ten years has passed since tsunami struck the coastlines of Indian Ocean, following the powerful earthquake with an epicenter off the west coast of Sumatra in Indonesia; the memories of tsunami are obvious like picking up shells from the seashore. Though I haven’t affected by the deadly waves directly, I was deeply disturbed and mentally suffered followed by the development of the devastation and scattered reports on mourns to death. There were even rumors (on the advancement of sea) to leave us into panic and living not far from the seashore, it’s impossible to avoid the uncertainty prevailed.

Memorial Icon of Tsunami in Kanyakumari

Being Sunday, we were asleep than usual and on hearing words something referred to tremor I couldn't continue lying on bed and come out to know what as my uncle asked me that I felt anything. There was an earthquake! But the tremor being so mild only those who were awake and living at certain elevation have felt the tremble and by the time I look at the street everyone where back to their places who came out in panic.  During the disaster we were staying in the first floor of our native house in Adyar, Chennai, hearing the news of tremor triggered panic even before the tsunami strike the coast or sorrow choke the throat.

My first encounter with a tremor/earthquake was in October 2001. Until then I have just heard of earthquake and know how it used to be only after seeing the Gujarat incident that happened on the same year. My expression and experience to tremor was funnier, perhaps not knowing how to react to such feeling/fear I scared so much and throw away the board on which I was painting something while sitting on the sofa. Since I was in caliper I could get out like others who rushed down as soon they felt the tremble, my mom and uncle hurried up unbuckle my shoes to lift me down. In few minutes all of us where on the street shoulder with neighbours.

My deals with tsunami were happen almost in front of the television, only my uncle was dare to go check with the Elliot Beach following the stroke with tsunami. I was staring at the television with awe, while the second longest beach in the world (Marina) enveloped in war of waves. The cars that have always seen running on roads where floated like boats in sea, with boats representing the parking lot. It was heartbreaking to see bodies being dragged to shore and people running towards the road to save their lives to avoid hitting the wall of sea.  The news channels where updated from time to time with the breakup of nature’s terror videos from across the southern countries.

Living close to coastline, I am sure each one of them would have a story to convey on their own related to tsunami whether they affected or not. During this course of tsunami, rumours were also spread to frighten us with the advance of sea levels into the landscape. I couldn’t sleep well for more than a week in panic, spending number of nights in uncertain thinking about the disaster and the visually seen in televisions/internet occupied the mind involuntarily. To relieve ourselves from the nightmare of tsunami and earthquake, we all spent the night of same in the single hall along with my uncle’s family to make not panic.

In the last 10 years I have covered 2/3 of the coastline of Tamil Nadu from Pulicat to Kanyakumari, we heard many stories related to tsunami during our journeys. While I visited Kanyakumari it was impossible to keep away the thought of tsunami and the videos and images were recollected when I sit watch the waves crashing the rocks. I felt unrest at each big wave arrive in force and the tourist boats making leap across them. Even it was fun checking some youngsters enjoy the strong waves and water splashes, something uncertain keep occupied. I also come across Manakudy, one of the worst affected villages in Kanyakumari where a bridge was washed away into the sea enclosed with number of death in the district.

The mindset was very similar even when I visited Velankanni, Cuddalore, Karaikal and Kodiyakarai along many other places aside east coast road (ECR), there are many villages in Tamil Nadu where one can find the traces of tsunami still exists reminding the one of the deadly disaster of our history. Many memories trigger while writing this post and experience with places that well relevant to the tsunami, but I couldn’t bring all of them here. I truly wish these incidents never repeat. 

Reflection 2013

Picture by Jeevan

The year 2013 wasn’t great for me, unlike the beginning of the year that wake up to cheerful cake-cutting and get-together with cousins and following trip to Javadu Hills… the house shifting, father’s bike accident and my femur fracture are greater setback of the previous year. I never thought that we will shift to an individual house, but things happened all of sudden and we shifted house in about a week of time going through it. The spacious rooms and corridor, garden space and silent environment, large windows and natural light attracted me to this home but we only find the hidden dragons almost settled! Lol 

We experienced extreme heat during the summer season, which we chosen for shifting house has been a great mistake and also deciding the house just with the look of it is another error we had done this year. In the monsoon and winter, ever like before we exposed to mosquitoes bite… day or night they are always around us, even in extreme hot condition they survives quite. The initial strike of the latter year happened when dad skid off the bike and got severe wound in ankle along with hair crack, has dropped away the cheer of 2013. With no help from any other, mom had to take care of all things single handedly and cooking isn’t a tough job for her but taking care of me as a single woman has no words to describe.

Just like that that where there is an end, there is a beginning… when thinking that everything was back to normal - dad almost recovered - my fracture on femur drawback to extreme level. Still unable to believe that I got fracture, because I haven’t actually fall dawn but while shifting from a stool to wheelchair, the chair moved and I was seated on the floor in my knee, bending fully. Normally my knee won’t bend after certain level but that day my entire body weight has bear on the bended knee, which causes fracture above the knee on the femur bone. Doctor says it’s not a bone that breaks easily, but the reality was, my bones are so weak and being a muscular dystrophy patent it seems like a normal thing. Only now we have come to know about it… so therefore we need more attention towards it also.

I have planned to do certain things in 2013, but dad’s injury and my fracture had pushed away… but the things aren’t that impossible to achieve and I hope they could wait for their time to come. The most favorite thing for me was traveling. I could think they are the best part of my life, because traveling is not that easy for a wheelchair rider and however it was difficult I love to do so. And not to forget, nothing is possible without my parents, and it’s their strength and affection that make my dreams come true. Vacations are the happier time for anyone of us, and in latter year too I had a wonderful one and also exploring new places were another delight.

For the last six months I haven’t travelled out of the city and in that, the last three months were like hell shut inside the home. Watching television and music where the only entertainment and I couldn’t sit back longer to read something and touched extreme level on boring while lying and staring at TV. It was never like before I was forced to take bed rests, except night times I generally won’t lie for any reason unless fall ill. Words can’t describe how terrible I felt and still feeling the pain on the progress of knee bending, which still holds 20% stiffness that resist me keeping my feet on the wheelchair’s footrest quite.

What really worry me now was, could I able to regain my standing ability which helped me then for shifting my seat from one another. Actually I used to stand on my left leg and right one just support for balance, though there won’t be much difficult since the fracture happened only on the right one, but I still worry about. I still haven’t tried climbing into a car; I’m waiting for my last review on fracture to confirm quite recovery. In-between we are looking for another house shifting this month, without much hurry and with the latter experience we make sure that we don’t repeat the mistakes choosing the house.

This is also the longest break I have taken in blogging, unless I am ill I could not avoid blogging, because it is the only source of sharing which makes me feel quite. Even I find Facebook and Flickr as other sharing option, blogging could never replace, at least at this moment… I missed this place a lot. I am back, but not quite… but I decided to make a slow entry and don’t mistake me, if I haven’t check yours. I will slowly catch up with everyone. Btw. Thank you all so much for the well wish and I also hope it was a wonderful beginning for you all this year. Take care and have a great year ahead.

Smile

Smiley ball from Jeevan

Smile is something everyone bears, which enhances our face more bright and beautiful. Smile is a foremost aspect, break the silence between strangers and a friendly conversation begins at the wake of smile.  Fake or real, no one could identify with smile so easily and if we began to research we will lose a precious aspect doubting each and every smile. But it’s obvious when someone smiles they embrace the environment. Smiles have a healing power, even on desperate I believe a smile could cheer up for a moment or while in longstanding distress.

Smile is a wonderful thing helps managing, when we doesn't have an answer to query or hide something that we don’t like showing off in face. I have been going though something close to the second one and smile is my only tool today, I try to sweep away the raw feeling of hurt and gushing emotions. Smile is something living without is difficult esp. to survive with utmost hardship, smile is a vital element.  I would like to see people smiling however despite life, because the bits and pieces of smile are hope for tomorrow. J

Turned 28

July 31^st I turned 28! Yes, it was my birthday and I wasn't feeling at all and thought to think about that day.  Though it usually used to be another day in my life, rather sometime celebrate it plainly cutting off a cake once cousins gather at home. Nowadays I don’t find any reason to celebrate birthday rather it just mark my date of birth, this special day doesn't make anything special or become a turning point in my life, instead, keep in touch with others via birthday wishes. As you all know, for less than a month now after dad fell off his bike, life has been tough and troublesome (even it is a part of our everyday life) it turns worse in latter days. Like a lady worrier, mom battles everyday stretching her to the edge of exhaust to preserve our life not get worse.

Though it may bore hearing on it again and again but the toughness continues to battle on us and passing each day has been an experience of age. Mind continues to concern on things how to reduce or prevent even a particle adding to the turban of the lady worrier. J I couldn't come out thinking about my birthday and usually I don’t give much important to my birthday and don’t care people remind it or not (but I thank those remember this day to call me). I too know when my dear ones birthday falls, but I used to forget quite until someone reminds me on that day. I too wish for those well being always and I don’t mind forgetting to wish them on their birthday. Dad’s health is responding well after continues on medicine and injections, and once the wound is healed he will be ready for tie up on his ankle crack.

Master checkup - an ever undergone trouble!

I took a master health checkup two days back in a clinic close to our house and suppose to find out that almost everything is normal except slightly increase in blood sugar and indication of BP (blood pressure) in ECG. Though the results are not unfavorable, I had tough time going through one of the test (abdominal ultrasonography) to which I was instructed to drink plenty of water until my tank get full. It wasn’t difficult actually to drink more water, but to control without passing urine until the test complete was quite a struggle and terrible task.

I drank about 1.5 liters of water an hour before we are suppose to be there and as soon we enter the clinic, the bladder began to urge for a release but there was no symptom of call for the test. We waited for half an hour; the receptionist doesn’t have an answer whereas only saying doctor will come soon… wait for five minutes. There were two more five minutes gone and the doctor hadn’t arrived. I was going through severe trouble in bladder or abdomen and don’t want to take the risk of mess up with pants. It was a moment I couldn’t think of anything, lying on the bed next to the scan instrument, the attendant asked to think about what I like more (to divert the  pissing thought)… I could only say the hell!

It was I who want to take the master checkup to confirm everything is fine on basic terms of health (dealing with MD is a different matter), it’s been a year and a half I took a similar one, which confess the diabetes and I know someone who is in sitting position always could invite side effects and with the aid of diabetes anything is possible. I am trying my best in controlling sugar (don’t believe him, he ate half a cup of palkova - a sweet made of milk and sugar - two days early to test) and was regular with medicine and physiotherapy seems to cause an effect only to sustain.  

The abdomen scan doesn’t last more than five minutes but I was going through immense pressure enduring urine and I was only back to normal with everlasting pissing. Sigh! Later I went taking chest X-ray and ECG and following a meeting with doctor and physical exam, I was advised on certain terms to follow and regular check with BP as he find it abnormal. I could only think it is because of intense pressure I went through the abdomen scan had resulted in blood pressure and a mild symptom in ECG. I know it was worth going through the trouble but I don’t know whom to blame - the doctor who came late or I drink water early - anyhow there wasn’t any problem gracefully. J

மன வலி / Mental Pain

"செல்லாக்காசை பிச்சை  போட்டு என்ன பயன்?"

ஒரு வரி 

என்  ஆயிரம் கேள்விகளின்  பிரதிபளி 

வெளியே சொல்ல முடியாத வலி.

தெளிந்த நீரோடை
ஓர் கல் விழுந்து கலங்கியது போல் 

என் கனவுகள் 

ஒரு சொல்லில் கலைந்தது.

கண்கள்
கண்ணீர் சிந்தி சிவந்தது
காவிரியை போல் 

தண்ணிர் இன்றி வரண்டது.

மழை, வெயில்
மகிழ்ச்சியோடு தொடர்புடையது  

அதிகபடியான எதுவும் வேதனையே
வலி, மனவலிமை பொருத்தது. 

Non-Tamil readers, check the translation below… but I inquire myself does it convey quite.

“What benefits a beggar
by dropping invalid cash? “
A phase
reflects thousand questions
of my unspoken pain.

Like how a clear stream
shaken to a fall of stone
my dreams
shattered by a single word.

The Eyes
turned red to spill of tears
without water
it drought like Cauvery (river).

Rain or sunshine
associated with pleasure;
excess of anything is pain
plainly depends on mental vigor. 

Depressed yet impressed

Image courtesy: flickr

வலியை தாங்கிடு மனிதா 

வாழ்கையில் இதுவும் ஒரு படி புரிதா?

கல்லும் மண்ணும் காலுக்கு புதிதல்ல
பாதையை நடந்து கடத்திடு மனிதா.

ரத்தம் உறைய உறைய குளிரும் 

அட்டை வலியில்லாமல்  உறியும் 

அச்சம்  என்றும் நிறைந்த உள்ளம் 

மௌன புன்னகைக்குள் மறையும்.

Bear the pain man
understand this is also a step in life?
Stones and sands aren't new to foot
man, walk past the path.

Cold freeze freezing blood
leech sucks without pain,
fear filled mind always
hide inside silent smile.

P.S.

These phrases come to mind by 3 am, while I deeply distressed. But I don’t want to reveal what caused me so depressed at that mid night time. I had touched emotional core many a time during night, only the darkness could witness the silent war. 

Man behind this Blog - MD

If you are new to my blog or couldn't check my profile, I need to mention that I’m fighting with MD (Muscular Dystrophy), which is a genetic disorder of losing muscles strength and I move everywhere on my power wheelchair. There isn't any cure for it currently globally and perhaps the only way of approach to it was to exercise constantly to delay the course of loss of muscles strength. There’s also a disadvantage lies in this progress of exercise which should not last for long duration; if the exercise had been stressful or painful  will also witness in loss of muscles strength. Physiotherapy has become a part of my life from the early stage of development with MD; I was going through therapy off and on and perhaps stopped for a year or so meanwhile taking medicines on various mode of treatment.

 I was suppose to write on this only because, I want to say that I was taking physiotherapy for the last three year had been constant unlike ever before, and my therapist Rajesh is visiting me thrice a week on a content fee. I could recollect the day he first gave me exercise and it was extremely a painful moment since he hadn't handled a MD patient before and unfamiliar with my body. But things weren't same, as he kept visiting me frequently, he understood me physically and how much I could endure pain lead me quite comfort with exercise.

MD is a common word used to describe the disorder, and DMD (Duchene Muscular Dystrophy) is the general appearance in most of the patents, but there are several types of MD founded later years. Gladly I hadn't come under the general category (even I feel quite regret for those affected with DMD, whose life span is not more than 25 years) I enjoy the extremely rare exception with LGMD (Limb-Girdle MuscularDystrophy), is an autosomal class of MD which is similar but distinct from DMD and Becker. LGMD encompasses a large number of rare disorders with the term ‘Limb-Girdle’ is referred to the muscles on hips and shoulders which most severely affected in general.

I don’t want to go much in detail about the disorder, as well the distressed or frustrated moments that haunt me immensely then and now, but with better consciousness and knowledge about the disorder I come to show somewhat normal mindset in latter days. I don’t think much about the disorder, but anytime I feel hurt I dislike myself being born as burden or frustrated. But the regret feeling doesn’t used to live long or I change my thought by concentration on other things or drown into dreams. I need to say I haven’t seen a therapist being so kind like Rajesh and I never seen him in tense or harsh during exercise (it’s a different story at beginning while he wasn't well aware about the disorder) I doubt whether he knows at least how to act severely. Hehe… Hope he better stay that way for me to continue happily the exercise.  

I think it’s time to go to bed now… time 10.13 pm. Thanks for all your support and encouragement on behalf fight with my MD! :)

கடல் அம்மா / Marine Mom

Pic by Jeevan (cick to enlarge)

ஏ கடல் அம்மா

உன்  சிறுபிள்ளை  நங்கள்
மடியில் தவழும் பிள்ளைக்கு
நீ  கள்ளிப்பால்  ஊட்டலாமா?    

தாலாட்டு பாடிய அலைகள்
ஓசையின்றி  ஒப்பாரிவைகலாமா?
கதைகள் கற்பிக்காத பிம்பம்
கண்ணிமைக்குள் மூழ்கியதே 

தான் விரித்த வலைக்கு
தானே இரையான கோரம் 

வாழ்வளிக்கும்  வள்ளல் நீயே 

உயிர்  பசி ஏனோ?

சுனாமி என்னும் அரக்கனை அனுப்பி
வதம் செய்வதேனோ ?
கண்ணீர் சிந்த யாருமின்றி 

கொன்றுகுவித்து விட்டானே .

A marine mom
we are your child,
how could u feed venom
to a kid crawling on the lap?

The lullaby sung waves
how become quiet threnody?
The stories untaught simulacrum
submerged into the eyelids.

To the expanded web
to become a victim of horror
being a brought up philanthropist
why hunger for life?

Sent a monster tsunami
why you slew?
To no one to shed tears
he killed everyone to hump.

P.S. A tribute to tsunami victims, wrote from a fishermen’s perspective. 

Joint pain and Joint family

This week I received a supplement on orthopedics along with ‘the week’ magazine and it reveals many a causes and treatment for joint pains and knee replacement and one of the reason that doctor’s point out make me feel hit the nail on the head. Apart the active lifestyle and life expectancy, fall of joint family has been noticed by the doctors for the increase of joint pain, where one remain to take care of things independently.

I wonder how true the joints has been an important part in our lives to make a move and it should remain forever in motion with emotional cord chained within near and dear ones in family. I truly acknowledge the doctor’s perspective on joint family and I have a reason too to come to an agreement and the supplement came on time in my hand when I could feel the pain (not at the knee) of disjoint at heart.

I have experience on living as a joint family during my childhood and those days were never been same again and we were accompanying my uncle’s family (family of dad’s bro) and grandmother then. In the 1bhk house of own, we divided the huge kitchen with a barrier to make it as a bedroom for my uncle family and the arrival of aunt was very helpful at mom in sharing the household chores and taking care of us as kids.

Later my cousin born, we are forced to shift to ground floor of the house to give more space for them and even then we were like live together at through and practice and no event were celebrated at parted. There were some renovation and rebuilding take place at house in later days and we still continued to support each other at despite desperate and share common festivals and celebration and even after we shifted the location for my comfort my mind kept joint with them.

First time I feel the pain more in lately when they decided to go on individual basis on taking the custom related to Deepavali and for me the matter is not the custom or ritual related, which I don’t have faith but sharing the festival spirit and happiness. I believe the festivals are created for get together people and sharing the moment of happiness and love, but their decision to disjoint at traditional level makes me feel despair and anguish.

The sharing means not only about happiness or celebration but also involves helping each other when it comes to work or preparation of stuffs; and in a joint family there’s much chance for such tendency and if one wasn’t well the other take care to give rest for another to quick recovery. This is the natural state of a joint family and during this festival season we really miss the helping hands from our aunt, and mom solely had to prepare the Deepavali ‘sweet and snacks’ to share with relatives and neighbors.

I always wish for a joint family and it has a lot of positive aspects on life and the main reason was sharing and it may sound selfish if I say that a person with disability or old age, the joint family becomes a great backbone for their survey in case our parents or the children of old age find stubborn or struck with other chores. The joint family is one of a dream that often haunt me into the thoughts and I know it is impossible perhaps there is only way of disjoining families these day, I hope the best gift that life gives for us is the joint family – where there’s lack or less joint pains.

Inner conflict

My heart kept swelling
to emotionally breakup anytime;
my heart gets scratched
repeatedly to eternal pain.

My eyes left wet
with no warmth to wipe out;
my throat get choked
with no light moment to pass.

My mind left puzzled
with no problem gets solved;
my consciousness gets collapse
in battle with constant grief.

PS - Image Courtesy: Google

விலகிடு உயிரை / Depart my life

Image: Google

உயிரே என்  உயிரே

என்னுள் நீ எங்கே?

தேடினேன்  காணவில்லை;

ஆனாலும் விலகிடு

இரவு  விடியும்  முன்.

போதும் இந்த துயரம்;

படுத்தும் உறங்கவில்லை

புரண்டும் படுக்கவில்லை

உயிரே  விலகிடு

வலிகள் ஏதுமின்றி

என் நிழலே

என்னை சோதிக்கிறது;

குழம்பினேன் இரவில்

நிழலா இருளா என

விலகிடு உயிரை இருளில்.

பகலில்  புன்னகை

இரவினில் வெறுமனே

வியந்து நின்றது நெஞ்சம்;

விலகிடு உயிரை

நிலவில்லா நேரம் பார்த்து.

Translation in English follows:

My beloved life
where’re you in me
I searched like missing;
however depart me
the night before the dawn.

Enough the grief;
I slept without slumber
I laid without turnover
depart my life
without any pain.

My shadow
checking me;
I puzzled at night
over darken and shadow
depart my life, in darkness.

The smile of the day
just bare at night
the heart stumbled to stay;
depart my life
while there’s no moon.

Life is nothing… but

Image: Google

Life is nothing

but a phase on planet;
sometime it pain
like wound by sun
and stain
like the mess-up after rain.

Life is nothing  
but sustain upon strain;
whether it rain or sunshine
under moon lit night
life movie on to gain,
as only remedy.

Life is nothing
but a song of sparrow
twitter of heart
rhythm of breath
embracement of love
and rhyme of friends.

Life is nothing
but unrest heart beat;
taking break
at something breathtaking
and sometime dreadful
about dear ones.

Heart gets hurt

Deep in heart I get hurt

The reckless words shatter

And cut pierce my veins

Leaving me at impatient call

When insane people talk

Insensible and extremely intolerable; 

Money is a matter

Cut slice the heart layers

No matter how well and deep u loved

A minute exchange of phrases

Cuts off the ever lasting relationship

You believed lifelong.

In someone’s system of love

The gratitude and attitude is nothing

Once the program is completed;

People whose interaction is almost gadget

Applies the same technique in relationship

Which Sign-offs immediately.

Dad’s health cause

The last 5 days were not so good for us since dad health was little ill due to diarrhea and low sugar sent us to deep distress and once the diarrhea comes to halt, the low sugar sent him to shivering and slightly moving condition. One entire night he was restless between the bed and restroom and next day he was seen physically so weak and was forced to check the nearest clinic for medication and drips of glucose which gathered him strength but it doesn’t last as soon the sugar level decreased.

It went down as not so worrisome but the stressed intestine at other hand began to twist and pain and along with this he was mentally upset due to his condition and felt sorrow for not helping me on routines. Mom was indeed forced to take care of me single handedly with her already wrist and heels problem, it was impossible for me being easy and mind kept thinking about his health and wishing for a quick recovery.

On Monday he visited our family doctor and only later his health condition becomes better and again he took blood test on Tuesday which showed rise in blood sugar level as he didn’t take diabetic tablets in the confuse state on health and the cause of drips of glucose. He went out only late evening for a short walking after 4 days of suffering from health disaster and I could seen him little energetic now and bright smile on his face, which I wish last forever…

He’s also suppose to take a cataract operation at the end of the summer which has put forth lot of worries and if it is not for the surgery which has been nothing these days in the medical dictionary  taking care of me had been the worrisome for the three of us. Since after the surgery dad needs at least a month of rest for getting remedy and only mom has to take care of me, the toughness ahead really push back me thinking how could we balance… even though we express our grief of how to manage it seems senseless and words of void and feels so hopeless when no response for others, the so called dear ones.