10 Days To Go

I’m counting the days for Deepavali. This year, November 14 is Deepavali or Diwali, and what makes it more special was, it falls on Children’s day – the birth anniversary of the first Prime Minister of India, Jawaharlal Nehru, who likes children a lot, thus this day is celebrated as Children’s day – and Deepavali is a festival more likely celebrated by the children like bursting crackers, wearing new clothes, and eating sweets. Deepavali is my favorite festival of all time, and I always look forward to this day for nothing but bursting and watching the fireworks. Kids grown up through the 90s could easily relate to what I mean and bursting how much crackers would be the task of the day and see who ends with abundant trashes in front of their homes.

In later years the loudness of crackers had become not my kind of thing, but my passion for fireworks hadn’t come down quite. The night fancy fireworks were my favorite thing from the past decade, and every year I buy fireworks, to only watch it turning my night into delightful light, and colors as someone lit fireworks on my behalf. Deepavali always surges an excitement in me and roll me down the slopes of memories of childhood, what I consider the best part of my entire life despite my belief of best is yet to come. The festival was in a real festive mood then, and the anticipations were high, to look forward to this day all the year perhaps because I was active then to ignite fireworks on my own to see it blast with great joy.

These days I almost forget this day until the day gets closer. My kind of celebration shrinks a lot at every passing year, and I was confined to my house alone rather than going around the neighborhood to enhance my festival mood by watching things happening around relevant to Deepavali. People’s interests had become varied from me, and they have their own set of activities to look after, and I don’t complain about it, and I can’t demand that they should take me out, and on these occasions, it was the cheerful memories of childhood keeps me going. It’s just 10 days to go for Deepavali, and I started to look forward to how to celebrate the festival, despite the pandemic drawback, I wish everyone had their best part of the festival.

In memories of Maya!

She came rolling into my life like a snowball

The furry coat, like snowflakes, goosebump

As she comes caressing around the legs

To lay head, cozily around the wheels

In hope, I won't hurt her, as I lived up to her.

 

She forced into my life like a syringe 

Though it hurt, she eases the pain to the least

Like an ointment over the wound, her licks  

Wet the heart, to hate her, to become impossible 

Unavoidable trouble to walk all our paths to delight. 

 

She’s someone I fought to forget

As her memories are quite fond, to forget

Never did I felt pain like this at the heart

Missing someone ever been closer, to

Share space in the bedroom for eleven years. 

 

She's pressure on life to always end with a cheer

And I ever got angry with her for human error

The black marble eyes often convey a message

Of love, affection, and care in reciprocation

I never dream of her staging a lifeless drama.

 

She’s truly an angel in the world of us

Still, I keep away her thoughts, yet a year to pass

Nothing disturbed me like what she did in my life

The furry soft were spike sharp when I feel at last

She departed, leaving us in the clutch of hearts.

Ps. To know more about her (Maya) click Here

Despite I Smile

How long should I pretend to be happy?

To smile, while I actually couldn’t

Just like the smiley yellow ball - stress reliever

I was squeezed to smile.

While I pass through various emotions

The heart hurts the most, to break up

Despite creamy layers of joy or love try to forget

The scars remind me of the same.

And I tried to keep emotions at bay

But like a gale, I was pushed ashore

To pause and pursuit the same

To, lash repeatedly into the shore. 

October for Me

 

October, often reminds me of Mahatma Gandhi’s specs perhaps because the O – the first letter of the month October – resembles the shape of Gandhi’s specs and moreover October 2nd is Gandhi’s birthday and it could be the reason to connect O with his specs. Gandhi’s birthday is celebrated as Gandhi Jayanthi and we’re proud to say he’s the father of our nation!  

October Sky is one of my favourite movies and the teens experiment with rockets in the movie reminds me of the childhood days as kids when we explode firecrackers and the Indian festival of light, aka Diwali or Deepavali also often fall on the month of October is appropriate to connect. Diwali is a festival that we could not be far from fireworks or firecrackers and it is fun to play with those and watch rockets boom the sky with light and colours stroke a chord of sight.

Ayutha Poojai is another childhood delight that falls in the month of October this year. The festival celebrates weapons or tools, is conducted to maintain and cleans the machineries that helps in production and day-to-day activities will pull-off for a day or two to give rest to them and worship for the wellness of machineries and business. I grew up watching my uncle’s garage as our home was adjoined then and putting a step outside the home is left into the garage. So I don't need to say how well I put on delight during the Ayudha poojai festival which is celebrated as a family festival that please me when I join the employees  in decorating and cleaning the workshop. The festival was so delightful until my uncle was alive (he passed away in Dec 2001) and later they celebrated the festival but the spirit went missing. You can check the link here to read how delightful the festival was then.

October is the starting season of Northeast monsoon which bestows with rain across south east India and dipping of temperature makes favourable weather for traveling. Except for the areas along the Western Ghats, the Tamil Nadu experiences hot weather across the plains and it is from Oct to Feb the weather turns cooler. And it was the time I love to travel as it is a pleasure to do the same with windows rolled down rather using AC – only for highways cruising and dusty roads – the weather out here is inviting for a ride but I do remember the pandemic isn’t over.  I wish at the same time the monsoon flourishes this year at least to say 2020 wasn’t drought!

Hope all is well at your side and great month ahead.

Outbreak

Time for myself is missed 

Solitude is not mine when quarantine
Became the chanting of the world;
Peace stands at a distance
When inner tries to console the conflict
outbreak during the lockdown.

Infinite is what I define
The conflicts that surrounds me
Which only rise or lower like a tide;
Sometime ends emotionally tire
Or erupt like a volcano to become a threat 
To no one but myself in this sphere.

Silence is mysterious,
In relationship it’s a hardship
To sail when sea becomes rough;
That’s a moment to realize
The wealth of words, even they’re harsh
Lease words will ease access.

Surrounded by grief

I don’t know how to express myself first, the squeezing grief of losing a furry friend who cared and loved unconditionally for nearly 12 years of relationship, and bonding that could not define in words, an attachment invisible to eyes;  Maya, the magic wizard of our life has vanished (on Nov 16) for ever.   I realize fully and consciously that the departed had happened though I still couldn’t console myself she’s no more and I feel really sick to digest, because we hadn’t been closer with anybody like her in the decade and she was there every day in our life and part of our journeys and this separation brought a great void in us and I don’t know how to cope without her further. Though I feel better now, getting back to the regular activities which I forced myself to keep away her thoughts (temporarily) but I know it’s not possible to block her all of sudden, as I was conscious about her every move and tiny sounds, I get disturbed when I hear anything similar to… because I was the only person in our family to have spent much time with her when everyone goes out on their business, she would be on my side.

Maya and me at my uncle's woodhouse, during a family vacation

As you all know from the previous post, the treatment Maya had been undergoing couldn’t make any improvement at all and the creatinine level has elevated up to an extreme high where dialysis become impossible because of her age and weakness. She had turned half her weight as she stopped eating from the beginning of the month and the last two days to her demise was greatly troubled her. I didn’t want to narrate further about her demise and it was really a painful moment I noticed ever, even I have lost some dear ones in past, their final moments were apart from my sight and this departure is something I really want to forget to retain only the cheerful memories  and brushes  of furry. 

Maya is an unplanned arrival and was forced to stay into our lives when we have any idea about adopting a dog or any other animals as pet, slowly she become unavoidable as a trouble as well a pleasure to increase and decreases stress. We had never been harsh with anybody, and this little furry ball/doll took it as a favour, tagged her in us and secured a quicker place to immovable. We couldn’t plan anything without her that let to miss a lot of opportunities and many a time I give damn but ever thought of denying her or lack in prior and to be certain she hadn’t been away for a day in last 7 years except that one day she stayed in clinic for uterus removal.

It is very hard really to swallow the truth that she shut her doors permanently and how close we’re to depart this way… she cared and was conscious when it comes to me and I enjoyed this care and affection what I even miss from human. From the conscience I could tell, she trusted me lot than anyone else and was certain I would hurt her ever, because she mostly sleep comfort by lying head under the wheels of my wheelchair!  Hope I lived to her faith and she shares a bond that had any doubts… Maya the word I frequent has turned whisper into ears, and I understand she’s no more but the practised tongue would take time to change.

Upset with Maya

For past two weeks, our pet dog Maya isn’t well and it’s been a week she had ate any and vomits whatever she takes in oral.  In September she had a severe wheezing and cough and was taken for x-ray and blood test revealed fluid in lungs and a bulge heart. Later she turned normal but couldn’t say she recovered fully. The one thing that always trouble us with her is she never take medicine easily and we use to apply tricks to let her pick the medicine or hide tablets in sweets and chocolates but this time we quite failed to do it either ways which perhaps led to a serious effect and kidney fault. We consulted the .vet when she refuses to eat or ate less and then a scan was took regard the signs, which exposed a gel like substance in the gallbladder but the dog refused to take a pill  and the injections also didn’t respond well. So the vet suggested taking her for a complete exam at the government veterinary hospital in Vepery, popular for treating animals. The amount for treatment is also considerably less at the veterinary hospital compared to pvt. clinics.

Maya look so tired sitting on the sofa

Again another round of scanning and blood tests confirms kidney fault in Maya, but this time she quit eating and was forced to put on DRIP as she turned weaker. For about a week she had been taken to the vet hospital for Drips, where medicine is injected as well and a blood test would be taken next week for further treatment. We really worry about her condition and she looks so pity now and had lost much weight and lie down sadly all the time. Last night she was vomiting for every two hours and mom had to wake up all night cleaning and comforting her. Though kidney fault had identified I see the gallbladder should be responsible for preventing her eating or digest the food. But we all hope she recovers and with that hope we bear all the difficulties. Though she’s almost 12 years old we hope for the best.

Deepavali and Its Electric Feel

Deepavali or Diwali – which is around the corner (Oct 27) doesn’t need an intro to the world, and India is a multicultural nation with each has its own richness of colours, dynamic, values and unique practices progresses with zeal; and Diwali is a festival unites the nation under the limelight called festival of lights, just like the festival of colours - Holi. Every part of the country has a reason and belief to celebrate Diwali with common intent of good against evil and light in place of darkness. Though not everyone celebrates Diwali in India and you really don’t need to celebrate the festival but the mood of the festival of lights is delight! Those who grew up in 90s and 80s and further decades below would knew the real essence and spirit of Deepavali or any other festival in common, and we as kids used to begin the celebration weeks ahead to Diwali by bursting little firecrackers that we buy from the petti shops in neighbourhood.

Sparkler effect in playful way

Deepavali is an uplifting feeling leap off every year during the festival time and it has something to do with me, perhaps it was a favourite time of the year for me from the beginning and bursting fireworks was the intention behind the enthusiasm. During school days, we draw Diwali greetings on the black board on the last day in school before the Deepavali holiday and what we draw was rockets, flower pot fountains, sparklers… and some terror boys drew Lakshmi vedi, auto bombs and electric crackers and the girl students drew Diyas. Those days Deepavali means fireworks and still I could not imagine a Deepavali without the same and the sound of firecrackers. I don’t encourage the sound and I too stopped buying fireworks that exits sound, except for the Aerial shots, I handle only sparklers.

Apart fireworks, Deepavali is a festival of sweets and this was the only time that we make sweets and snacks at home. But these days many prefer buying sweets from the shops perhaps because of laziness or workload where they are not ready or impossible to spend time on preparing snacks at home. During our resident at apartment (from 2005-2013) we get to taste different sweets and snacks shared by the neighbours but we ever turned from Adhirasam and Murukku – the traditional sweet and snack that mark Deepavali. The Adhirasam made of rice flour and jiggery and Murukku with same flour and other ingredients produces a distinct sense and cheerfulness as we go through the smell and hunger for same. The snacks were later distributed to relatives and friends the same way we’re treated by them.  

Though new cloths are part of the festival, like any other festivals, Deepavali clothes has a special place and this was the time where purchases reach the peak and offers come in grand what people never wanted to miss. The online shopping has took a huge leap these days, where the festival rush to shopping streets and malls had gradually decreased and the great Indian festivals at online websites and apps like Amazon becomes an advantage to people who lookout for low-price and stress-free shopping experience. I remember going to shopping for Deepavali and Pongal festivals,   when I was a kid, even though I wasn’t much interested on dresses that was a time new dress made sense and gave happiness showing it to others. Only in last couple of years I took shirts for Deepavali and this year that too was nil, as I got stitched dress only lately, but generally I wasn’t interested shopping on special occasions.

For me it was the feeling, the cheerfulness of celebrating a festival and gathering of people and cherishing the memories that I hold dear from past celebrations makes Deepavali special. For me the past is always significant, not only because those moments unreturned but hold back the spirit and becomes a force to take forward.  I believe a festival is to celebrate and a celebration is impossible without sharing. For me Deepavali bring a feel of togetherness, what the sounds of fireworks on this day reproduce and I don’t see bursting fireworks as a rite or reasonable act but I like watching firework display that happens only during Deepavali and I buy some on my personal interest.  Enjoy your day and have fun.

Ayudha Poojai Thoughts

Ayudha Poojai is a festival occasion that was so delightful once and full of joy, in the presence of my late maternal uncle, and the celebration take place at my uncle’s car workshop right in front of our courtyard. Begin in year 1990 at the courtyard of our house, he headed the workshop till his last breath in Dec 2001, where ended all our celebrations, though my younger maternal uncle led the workshop which is in condition of almost closed, no one could replace his place and an anticipation itself is wrong. Generous is one word I could describe about him and his personality is something unique and could be among an million but destiny gave him short life.  

Ayudha Poojai is a festival celebrated at the workplaces and houses wherever people deals with mechanical devices or machines and it is a festival related to prosperity and worshipping of the goddess of wealth, Lakshmi. Ayudha Poojai is a festival time to remember quite my uncle, because it is him occupies our thoughts during this occasion or hearing the word Ayudha Poojai is irresistible recollecting the memories of his presence and dearness we hold. I thought of writing something about the festival celebrated but everything I think about the festival reads his face in flashes as memories.

The spirit of Ayudha Poojai is long lost or missed but thinking of past make sense and this time the festival came around the weekend, though every day is not unusual to me, with the thought of people celebrating around I felt cherish. Today my cousin conducts Ayudha Poojai at his bike service centre and yesterday my brother celebrated at his gym/fitness centre attended by parents and few close relatives/friends.  I see there’s less in celebration or spirit prevail among people or at work places it exists plainly a formality or divine worship unlike those days which was a celebration of whole and keeping festival at core the activities surrounds it bring cheers. I’m glad for my conscious mind-set that gets caught fire through sparking thoughts.

Dog-tired Maya

Our pet dog Maya isn’t well for last few weeks and she looks exhausted all the time. She restrain herself from regular activities and was not even barking what she regularly do with house maid, guest, my therapist, insects… and started to wheeze after going through a medical check-up at govt. veterinary hospital. She did have wheezing problem already and if she barks intensely she experience cough and pursue wheezing which would take some time to settle or need some medication. We do remember she’s already aged 11 ½ and perhaps this should be age related despite her unchanged attitudes. She was injected medicine and put on drips for some time at the hospital and they took blood test and x-ray to examine her condition but once at home she started to wheeze immensely so she was took to the regular veterinary clinic where an immediate x-ray revealed congested lungs and swelling at a part of the heart. Dr injected her again after seeing the x-ray and next day she was taken to hospital and to get blood test report but gladly nothing alarming was defined instead a slight injury at intestine which caused the infection. She’s doing well and improving much right away and slowly backing to normal and barking her regular way but not that louder or energetic to make feel normal.

Picture shot from our vacation this year at uncle's woodhouse in mountains

Maya was brought up like a kid in our family and for last 11 ½ years she travelled all our lives through many up and downs and seldom departs us at few road trips. So it wasn’t easy to see her suffer, though we understand that we can’t expect her to be like earlier and her energy level and level of activities will strike as she almost lived her life. I hope and wish her further stay with us is at peace and happiness as long her destiny.

Hell of a week!

Last week I was caught up with terrible cold, cough and fever that kept me out of my control, though I still have cough to keep me sleepless at night I feel better from Sunday. Once cough starts it lasts sometime to settle down along with spitting off sputum. First I checked with our family doctor and he prescribed medicine and said it was some infection but last week was quite hell and I couldn’t do anything and was feeling comfort only at slanting position. Again he changed the medicine but the cough/cold continues without a sign of reducing so we took an X-ray and visited the pulmonologist who I used to check early. The doctor found any abnormality rather said it was the weak muscles prevent me from fully coughing or bringing out the sputum that trouble me. My lung fields are clear with 99% oxygen so it was absolutely a flu or some kind of infection but the matter was my muscles are more weaker than before to make the fight tougher and it was a kind of warning that I need to address or be more cautious with things that caught cold easily. That’s all from the side of my week... I thought to do many things last week but was troubled by the cold to think anything out of my box.

Here’s something pretty capture for you from the uncle’s woodhouse in Kodaikanal! My uncle grows pots of Japanese roses and those are the flowers I capture first every time I visit there. The photo captured after showering. 

Family Vacation 2019 Ups and Down!

Don’t know why the vacation wasn’t exciting or to say there was something missed feeling throughout the stay but travel wise I enjoyed the trip and spending time in lap of mountains in company of birds and trees. It’s always a pleasure to stay at Smokey Haven, my uncle’s woodhouse and cottages at Thandikudi near Kodaikanal, where we spent our days with extended families from July 8 to 13. Since the inauguration of the resort in 2015, I continue to visit it at least once a year and I’m happy and thanks to my uncle for executing a project alike i.e. building a woodhouse in the vicinity of coffee estate and tall big trees helps me staying and enjoy an environment full of nature rich.  Anytime there would be a bird chirping outside but this time I felt a bit lesser sound of the birds and spotting birds has reduced too what I perhaps guess was migration! I know there are some little birds that migrate from Himalayas and it was the environment that console me lot as I felt down sometime.

Smokey  Haven Woodhouse and Cottages we stayed

Though we waked up early and began the journey, the most part of traveling (490km) went under scorching weather until climbing up the hill. Our car couldn’t produce enough cooling to the cabin, though we serviced the car before traveling it quite went out of gas when we switched on the AC on the return journey. We travelled in two cars and our 9 seater was occupied by 5 of us with boot space quite went for wheelchair, commode and luggage and the uncle’s Innova had other five since my uncle’s family was ahead of us in another car. Though we travelled together they speed up always leaving us far behind as we drive on moderate speed to help me balanced.  While traveling at two different speeds doesn’t bother me much unlike how it continues at the vacation period as well.  My uncle had built an additional woodhouse at their vicinity at a ground below the already exists, were all others stayed and we 5 including the grandmother stayed at the old woodhouse. It wasn’t the old or new mattered, but none came above to spare time with us and it felt like we came alone like how we travel last time to the same place.

Dad standing in front of Thandikudi village (beneath), picture shot from Balamurgan Temple come viewpoint

I was irritated lot to sit alone always, even though nature gives me company I felt lonely when all my dear ones were around not sharing. I haven’t felt this before while travelled as five and I would sit ideal watching birds and taking photos as it was my choice and nature of traveling, but as a family vacation mind thoughts about being together, sharing and having fun rather think about anything. I love exploring places and traveling but love double folds the family vacation or group traveling at least once a year to keep cherished throughout. As soon we come into the range of Thandikudi we all lost our Airtel network signal and I actually thought that it could be a mild fault in connecting, but the disappointment came hearing that Airtel network has stopped working there due to fall of tower! I know I haven’t gone there for networking and it didn’t bother me actually, instead only made feel happy that none will be looking into the smartphones so there would be more chances for sharing face-to-face but my cousins had another network to still connect and also hopping on and off in jeep. 

A moment together with family at the woodhouse deep inside woods

Though we expected rain in the mountains, as monsoon already began, the first two days restricted us to woodhouse and we got to the Balamurugan temple one morning and then to another woodhouse my uncle had built on behalf his friend and one day spent driving to Kodaikanal and Kookal Lake/Village. We hear people complaining of no rain until we got there and it was obvious wherever we visited except in Kodaikanal where the lake was at its brim! The Kookal Lake was muddy with water at the bottom where only water hens were walking in and out. The weather was much colder in Kodaikanal, even though clouds form as if it going to rain it didn’t happen until we move to the woodhouse. One night we spent at my uncle’s friend woodhouse (which my uncle built on behalf his friend) in a place called Vel Farms, a place deep inside the woods and remote from much activity. Overall I had good time despite the lack of sharing and feeling alone while being together as well, it was refreshing and relieving to travel after more than a year and I could cherish this for some time until I pick up another trip. 

A part of beautiful star shaped Kodaikanal Lake at its full level, in the eventide light with reflection of trees.

More details and photos will follow in further posts.

Sister’s Wedding @ Mamallapuram

My sister got married on Friday at our ancestral town Mamallapuram, about 45 km from here on ECR and I attended both the events – the reception at night and marriage in morning – by staying a night from a guesthouse there. Though the wedding turned out eventful and content packed there was something couldn’t make feel relaxed or comfort at certain level i.e. the wedding hall was in the first floor with no lift!  It was a marriage happened within kinship and my sister (cousin) is married to her maternal uncle’s son and it was their desire to go together in life and we all approved their decision after small hesitations, since we were looking for a bridegroom outside the relative circle this was unexpected and we couldn’t say no as it was her life and she has all rights to decide her companion and thus marriage was fixed and following an engagement in February.

My sister was sent off  early in the afternoon (of Thursday) to Mamallapuram to get ready for the evening reception and bride inviting and we planned to leave by 4 pm in evening so that we could relax before the event begin by 6 pm. But we left home only by 6! Though we reached there in an hour things were to be hurried up. We had booked two vans for the relatives, friends and neighbors to cover the distance also arrived late to delay the pace and my sister went directly to the nearest temple from the beauty parlor - as per the custom, the bride will be invited to the wedding hall following a procession from temple, either by car or walk about, which signifies the beginning of wedding process in Indian culture. Already the crowd perched the hall when we arrived and there wasn’t time for anyone to spare me to transfer me to the marriage hall in first floor and it was packed further to make transfer difficult, so I settled in the ground floor courtyard where couple of rows seated and a shamiana tent was spread out with popcorn and cotton candy stalls installed where people thronged despite age differences.

I happened to meet and see many people during the occasion, where many of them were long seen and as I seated in a corner some couldn’t notice me as I did but glad there was a LED screen placed in the courtyard where I watched the live happening on the reception. The dining hall was in ground floor so it wasn’t an issue to have dinner but the tables aren’t comfortable for me and I was to use my regular wheelchair tray and plate instead eating from banana leaf, which takes a special place in our festivals.  Being late to the venue and beginning of the event it extended beyond 10 pm, when we had our dinner and moved to the room, which is a walkable distance from the wedding hall   that I covered in wheelchair.  I couldn’t participate in the wedding reception but I was content attending the special occasion of my sister and I was transfer to the wedding hall in the morning to watch the ceremony with help of my brothers and his friends.  The wedding was attended by close relatives alone so it wasn’t much difficult to transfer me by shifting to a chair and then to wheelchair, I got to watch things happening on the stage from the first row.

But what really turned out difficult was the timing. The marriage ceremony that held between 6 to 7.30am is quite an inconvenient for us whose wakeup time is not less than 8 am and for the 6 am ceremony I waked up at 5 but still went half a way through the marriage rite. The brides sat on the decorated stage in traditional wears of Dhoti and Saree and I felt they looked beautiful and fresh in the morning than in the elaborated makeup for the night reception. The marriage is conducted by the bridegroom family, so we haven’t to decide anything and the wedding hall was also their choice as it located very close to their house. I feel there was something missing which I couldn’t say what but I could transparently see the happiness on my sister’s face despite the exhaustion went through wedding process. We couldn’t spend much time with the brides rather hurriedly taking photos, the couple were sent off to Tirupati temple (about 200 km from Mamallapuram) as soon the breakfast is over and we moved out of the marriage hall and check out the room and fired back to home. Both the dinner and breakfast was good enough and this was quite a wedding I attended after a cousin’s marriage in 2012. I hope my sister led a happy married life and being a known family I believe she feels the comfort of home.

Our house illuminated in colorful led lights for the wedding

Apart the celebration of marriage, the day out there was terrific and the weather was burning to ashes once out of the wedding hall! The air con in car couldn’t control the heat wave even at high speed and I couldn’t remember how we reached home so was the sultry weather blurred the senses. We checked out our guesthouse room (Sri Murugan) by 11 am and I felt it was too pricey for a night with two to three cots in a room with no blankets and air con with no control to reduce cold. Moreover they denied allowing our pet dog, which they agreed when our relative inquired and so we booked the room. I had no chance to capture any photos and what you see here were few shot by mom.

Unspoken Still

Words cannot describe certain feelings
the pain in pursuing dreams, passion
when contemporarily rely on someone
or more than one, to even overcome a day 
comes with a question can I?

There’s something to be chased always                                         
even at dreams, and it could be anything
that anybody could decide the course
or chose the kind of attitude
from their personal vista.

Dreams come and go, but passion
keep tracking the path that flash lighted
sustaining a flow to keep track free
and a smooth ride is always on
however hard the surface rock!

Sometime it feels like nothing to lose
hopelessly life moves on, stereotype
that I always like to break
has become unchanged for a while
what decided by me not.

Like the terms and conditions that ever read
people never take time to read minds

or understand the difficult being different
as we try to outshine from the low light
their high beams brings us down. 

Rising Fitness, Health and Fitness Studio – Bro’s Gym Inauguration

My brother has opened a new gym/fitness center in the neighborhood, Neelankarai, ECR, Chennai, and on Wednesday there was its inauguration function held in the presence of friends and family. He already administers a fitness center in the name of same (Rising Fitness) in partnership with friends and now he has executed his independent business named under title ‘Health and Fitness Studio’. He has worked hard last two months to create a theme based interior and it has come out exceptionally good and impressive by sight at first.  The gym is executed in a rental property and is located in the second floor of a building measuring 4500 sqft and he has taken loans to implement this fitness branch. Most of the gym equipment were imported but purchased through a company in Chandigarh that transported things through container truck.

Ribbon cutting

Mom lighting the lamp

Unlike the inauguration of their main fitness center in Madipakkam in 2014, any chief guest was invited and we had no ideas who will make over the show. We had arranged for breakfast for the invited guests and we reached the venue before anyone arrives, except gym staffs, and i took around the gym that was partially rubber floor and equipment were placed neatly with enough space from one another. A row of treadmills and exercise bikes are showcased across the glass panes facing the ECR main road and there’s a separate section for crossfit activities. I thought there isn’t a ribbon cutting event as time outstretched the defined period and most of the guest arrived and took their breakfast in areca plates (that came along the ordered food), my brother’s friend took me to the entrance saying that they’re going to cut ribbon.

But until I come out of the gym I had any idea that I’m going to cut the ribbon, along with my dad! Anyone other than my brother know this until the moment and it was quite unexpected and surprise move by my brother and this really showed his intend and care for me what put me on happy mood. Following this the elders and well-wishers lit the lamp (kuthu vilakku) that was placed in center of the front office and later all moved to the cross fit area for cake cutting. The crossfit area gives a studio/theater feel in the black/white theme and chairs where places there and cake was brought in center. I thought of sliding away to the side of the table placed with cake but my brother called me to come in front and in middle of the table made me realize his another  surprise move. The table was short for me, so he supported me from back to let me lean forward and mom holding my hand cut off the cake as people clapped in as signalling for the very success of the gym. Cutting off things could be side but I believe the real happiness is in its success and make revenues. Hope you all sent your wishes for the grand success of the gym.

Some interior shots 

Someone Dear Passed Away

One of our grandfathers (Dad’s uncle) passed away yesterday and I really wish I write about this gent who I expected to stay longer, despite his age – he turns 80 this year – he was healthy and fit as well with a clear and conscious mind-set is bit harder to find out these days. He was someone straightforward throughout his life and talks what’s in his mind whether the people listen likes or not and because of this some could feel disturbed or annoyed but he was mostly right on things and say what’s good for others which sometime would be hinting their mistakes and stroke pride to make feel bitter experience. Thinking back I too have felt disregarded sometime listening through his speech but when I could understand things the truth in his words made senses despite his difference in attitude.

He had a diploma in civil engineering and had worked and retried from Tamil Nadu Housing Board dept. and only with his earnings he built a house and grown his 4 children (where 3 were graduates) and married them all and 3 were married within relations.  After he was married with dad’s cousin sister he was fond of my dad and dad used to visit his home to do maths in his school days and all our constructions were executed under his instructions and planning and he’s someone never compromise on the quality and strength of a building. He had a special care for me and used to enquire about me wherever he meets mom (who was named by him, as Lilly) or dad and one time he took me to one of his neighbours (practicing touch healing) whom he believed could do something on my disability, after seeing someone being healed. But it was quite nonsense method and I don’t want to narrate the stupidity, and what I really saw there was a grandfather’s love and his intention to get me cured in any means.

He was a healthy person all his life and a never changed personality, adjustable to the situation and practice friendliness with everybody. He shares the age of my maternal grandfather, who passed in 2015. His fitness and active lifestyle is something would inspire anybody despite the ages, and even after a cardiac attack, less than a decade back, he become more conscious on his health and food habit to sustain deed. We never expected him to die very soon, despite being very stable for his age, and active till he experience urinary infection and backbone squeeze few months back. He was on medicine and cast to produce much trouble and pain but on one expected the problem he experienced was a sign of cancer at 4^th stage. Last time when I saw him (in September) he motivated me to do whatever I could rather stay idle. His last words still resound in my ears. Hope he rest at peace and sail through our memories.

Year began with pain

A new year had begun and already 10 days had passed into the year and everything went as usual fine and obviously nothing to anticipate or perhaps change at this least time but it was the Sunday turned thing worst for me. As you people know the state of me, with difficult progressing on day-to-day life since the discovery of Dad’s coronary artery disease that prevents him lifting me I was look after by my brother and cousin but to put things a little ease we looked out for a part time caretaker to put me on bath and thus came one on Sunday and on the very first day itself I got hurt my arm through an unexpected move from him although he was cautious, it happened unintentionally and I’m still going through the pain which raises at night to keep me unsleeping. Both my arms have limited access and putting a bit pressure above it will reflect pain or tear of muscles or rarely fractured alike the one I got in 2013 on the femur. Though I wasn’t content the way he handled me, I understand he was not intended to do that hurt me but his quick attitude could never work with me and we have put hold him already until I heal to decide to continue with him or not. Right now I couldn’t think more while spending painful night sleeps and I believe it wasn’t a fracture. From Sunday I have been applying ice gel over the painful shoulder and right arm and my physiotherapist started the ultrasound therapy to support healing and ease pain but it was paining more and i couldn’t work on laptop for last few days and I post this from iPhone which was easier to use now than laptop. Will check all your post later or when I feel good or less pain! Have great Year all

An expression of distress

Dad is doing well after the stenting and no breathing difficulties anymore but he’s continues to stay in rest for few more weeks to get back to his regular activities. Thought it feel everything is normal I couldn’t take it easy with my life. I don’t know how to describe or put it in words the pressure I go through internal and it has no business with dad’s health and he’s alright. Like all, I dislike certain things or want to maintain a distance from people whose activities I don’t like or not suit my lifestyle which including my parents. But now life forced me to walk through those which I don’t know is how to unveil. Sometime people are fair and kind, and at next moment breakdown everything to make feel disdain and bad and we can’t blame them for that if that could be their nature, I would stay away, but when it bothers were just going behind them in sake of life. It’s a struggle purely to answer the conscience when accepting assistance physically and mentally couldn’t go through the all. I never thought life would shrink all of sudden when I wasn’t ready or even read the book of my future tense. I know I need to handle this really and I was in the process of planning my future and executing in bits manner but this huge skip is unexpected. This is my second huge leap after the femur fracture in 2013 that put me years ahead into the future, what I have dreamt was only average.

As I have told in my earlier posts, I, mom and dad were like a cycle where any part of the wheel gets an affect the entire cycle will face the challenge. So far I haven’t been to expect somebody to aid me on everyday activities and nature calls, rather occasional; my parents continues to be my saver to drive me all this while and I’m certain they will do it until we’re alive, but I do know I’m in need to look after by someone when they can’t physically support me. Though I know well I need to adjust with life and accept the changes and I too believe this isn’t permanent and I need to find a way if things haven’t change for better. I’m someone who couldn’t stand with people who easily change their mind-set and belief from time to time and draw a rule that frequently turn on and off. It may sound weird but sometime need to believe such people do exists and dealing with them is not easier. It isn’t a problem when taking things physically challenged, but I’m not an insane to feel about anything or insensible to the atrocities happening around me. Perhaps if I was a normal being I could have easily skipped or try to turn down or better, but being a dependent I’m limited and was forced to take things at teeth bite. I don’t know could you understand what I say, but still no problem at least I able to express something here and let you know something disturbing me lot.

Operated on Stents

As you all know the status of my dad, who goes through clogs in coronary artery, was hospitalized yesterday for the stenting and the stents were planted on his heart successfully. We took nearly two weeks’ time to decide from either open heart or placing of stents for the blocks on coronary artery and it wasn’t an easier task as we consulted couple more doctors, open heart has been their first preference but only on our insist they suggest stent as second option and to be done from their referred doctors or hospitals. One of the doctors was strong that open heart is best, but his activities can’t be same and need to be hospitalized for 10 days and more recovery days at home. I know how painful it could be for him if he go through a major operation like open heart and we aren’t in a mind-set to see him suffer from great wounds and feeling sick. So we went back to where we begin, the doctor who guessed and took angiogram to reveal the blocks. He was clear and positive about having stents, and thankfully the major blocks isn’t on the main artery, so his opinion of having stents don’t create serious problems if dad was in controlled diet and continuation of medicine. 

Some report on net says stents aren’t recommended for diabetic patients and those survive on insulin injection. Though my dad was on diabetic for 15 years, which was taken into deep consideration, it was the doctor’s words gave hope and confidence to go for stents. Dad was at CCU from yesterday afternoon to this evening, before shifted to general ward and he’s doing well now and he called me twice after the surgery. Mom and brother were at hospital on exchange duty, where she would be with me at night and visit him on day and same was with brother. My grandmother was at home and my uncles and cousin helps me with day activities. Dad will be discharged tomorrow evening and would be at rest for a month before catch up with regular activities. And being a pensioner the partial amount for stenting will be covered under insurance.  I can’t even image him going through open heart and I’m glad the stents working on him and hope it continues to support him.  

Quite an unexpected trail

I never thought life would turn this difficult, this sooner, with unexpected happening into our lives. I couldn’t remark how I have been disturbed by the discovery of my dad’s coronary artery disease, which is a cause of narrowing of the arteries that supply heart with blood. To make it short blocks in heart. He was normal all these day and many a test result (related to heart) were normal except the treadmill exam, which taken on his complaint of insufficiency of breathe after having food or going on walk and climbing stairs. Seeing the result, the doctors advised to go for an angiogram to get a clear picture of the condition before going on further treatment. And the Monday’s diagnosis revealed three blocks on the coronary artery with a percentage of 90, 80 and 60 and for that the doctors prefer was either open heart surgery or placement of stents. But still we unable to decide and was expected to consult one more doctor, like we already done with two before taking a firm decision.

Except diabetic, dad doesn’t had any serious health problems but I do aware diabetic is a cause could bring anything into a healthy body, alongside lifting me and recent stress relevant to house renovation should be the prime reasons for the clogs. After mom’s surgery in May, dad was the only person to lift me to change in positions, mostly from cot to wheelchair and wheelchair to commode stool, with occasional aid from brother; I too haven’t took long trips since March visit to Kodai. Now it’s time for him to retire from the lifting course and of course he’s age 66, a fair reason to prevent lifting me but he did until doctor advised after examine the test reports.  For last few days my brother was helping on shifting and we too had sought for a part time caregiver and meanwhile the portable hoist is used for lifting. Like told above, I have no words to express my distress and pain and my only concern right now is dad’s recovery from the disturbing fact, and it’s no matter how I lead without his support but his healthy presence is more important for me and I could understand his situation and I hope the advanced medical aids will improve his condition and put back to norm at any state.

Though I sound strong and clear, I have fear about the upcoming progress in our lives and my dad and mom are a part of me so I could not keep away anything affects them, like I for them. I should say I really lost my sleep or fell into nightmares lot thinking his condition and our futures ahead; I too started to experience pains related to my scoliosis on spine and difficult at breathe some time. Though it wasn’t anything instant serious, but certainly a cause to bother me in near future and I tell myself get ready for the war with soldiers within! Haha There is no way denying the fact and I keep thinking and doing various things to distract the thoughts about the future and current occurrences. I truly wish stents works for my dad, so that he doesn’t need to suffer lot and spent more time in hospital and time to recover. Let’s wish for the best